I Came, I Saw, I Lunched (Bigly)

A radio guest once explained to a DJ, why he was lucky not to be late for their live interview. The guest used the underground to avoid traffic delays and indeed the trip began well. The guest exited his subway car not only at the correct station but also comfortably ahead of schedule. However on leaving the platform he looked up to see a sign which stated 'Dogs MUST be carried on escalator'. The guest then described his frantic panic as he searched high and low through the teeming flow of passengers for more than 40 minutes trying to find a dog somewhere in the crowd. When he was finally successful the guest then needed another 20 minutes to convince the dog's owner to briefly lend him the mutt so he could ride the escalator up out of the station. This anecjoke™© was obviously a mischievous farce but the point was clear enough; sometimes the key issue is not the message itself but how the message is presented and understood. 

Since 1953, Kim Il-Sung, Kim Jong-Il and Kim Jong-Un have, in succession, ruthlessly enforced and desperately clung to ideologies which China slowly relaxed back in 1978 and which the Soviet Union dropped like a hot potato in 1989.  Unfortunately for North Korea's long-suffering citizens, the Kim dynasty fails to realise that Stalinist personality cults are simply not like flared pants, which you can obstinately cling onto for three decades until they finally come back into fashion.  

Vitaly Mansky's critically acclaimed documentary "Under The Sun" portrays an 8 year old schoolgirl named Zinmi preparing to join the NK Children's Union.  Zinmi's class is taught how Kim Il-Sung defeated the US forces of evil by crushing them under a huge boulder. The same evil US forces are, even now, preparing to kill Zinmi's parents as they sleep in their beds if they let their guard down for just an instant. The only hope for Zinmi's family to live a long, happy, secure life together is under the protection of Super Supreme Leader Kim Jong-Un.  

https://www.washingtonpost.com/world/asia_pacific/for-north-koreas-kims-its-never-too-soon-to-start-brainwashing/2015/01/15/a23871c6-9a67-11e4-86a3-1b56f64925f6_story.html?utm_term=.37a3c5283dcc   

https://www.theguardian.com/world/2015/dec/21/life-in-north-korea-the-early-years

After 65 years of such relentless indoctrination, news of Kim's June meeting with Mr T in Singapore required a very careful spin to ensure the correct understanding by Kim's subjects back home. Kim's earlier meetings with South Korea's Moon Jae-In and China's Xi Jin-Ping were only reported in NK after the meetings were successfully completed and all the video footage had been edited to maximise its propaganda value.  By contrast the meeting with Mr T was heralded in advance during prime time, to show Kim's elevation to top tier international statesman, confidently buoyed by his much-vaunted nuclear deterrent, which he would use to negotiate from a position of strength. Certainly there was no mention of impending new rounds of punishing international sanctions against NK or a three line whip issued by the Giant Panda next door to "...play nicely or else".   

Risky Business : a tricky first date

After a somewhat hairy 2017 characterised by disappointing elections and escalating military tension around the globe, diffusing tension in Korea actually offers several presidents the chance to finally deliver what we expect from heads of state engaging maturely in global politics in the 21st century. 

South Korea's Pres. Moon
From his inauguration in May 2017, SK's President Moon Jae-In personally redefined the expression 'to hit the ground running', working urgently to shrug off decades of ingrained government cynicism and antipathy towards North Korea. Despite fierce criticism from the conservative right, including accusations of reckless foolishness, being a NK stooge and upsetting US sentiment, Moon re-opened dialogue with NK's Super Supreme Leader Kim Jung-Un in May 2017 when NK missile launches had reached an alarming 3 per month.  After this rapprochement , launches reduced to 2 per month until August and then only one each in September and November - although the last of these confirmed the potential to reach the continental US.  

By January 2018, the Koreas re-established a long-abandoned hotline for direct communication and SK secured US agreement to postpone the regular 'Foal Eagle' combined forces military drills which NK (rightly or wrongly) interprets as preparations for an invasion.

http://time.com/5088363/the-u-s-just-canceled-war-drills-off-the-korean-peninsula-during-the-olympics/

By February 2018 NK had not only accepted an invitation to participate in SK's upcoming Winter Olympic Games but Kim JongUn's highly photogenic younger sister Kim Yo-Jong attended as a high-level emissary, becoming the first member of the Kim dynasty to visit SK since the cease fire was brokered in 1953.

Kim Yo-Jong and Moon Jae-In at the PyeongChang Winter Olympics

"U.S. Vice President Mike Pence ... who seemed to go out of [his] way to not acknowledge the North Koreans despite sitting just few feet (meters) away"
https://indianexpress.com/article/sports/sport-others/winter-olympics-kim-jong-un-sister-north-south-korea-5060537/

Through all of this Pres. Moon had to delicately spin the news of his progress via SK's respectfully dubious media to its vociferously skeptical audience.  It is a fine balance; on the one hand to lead people one small step at a time so as not to make them nervous but on the other hand, asking them to consider the much bigger picture; the prize of a meaningful peace. 

China's Pres. Xi
Meanwhile many political observers spent 2017 watching NK missile launches and underground nuclear tests, scratching their heads, wondering why China was not using its undoubted influence to rein in NK's bellicose and increasingly daring Kim Kong.

Frustrated criticism came thick and fast reminding China of its responsibility to show a united front with the global community.

Things eventually became clear in Feb 2018 when China unsportingly announced an end to presidential term limits. Behind closed doors the National People's Congress had been quietly voting for (ironically) less frequent Presidential elections and then deciding how this should be spun to ensure it was correctly understood at home and abroad.

https://www.scmp.com/news/china/policies-politics/article/2136740/china-ends-presidential-term-limits-what-other-changes

With its own house in order, Pres. Xi JinPing then wasted no time summoning Kim Jong-Un to Bejing for three days to explain that re-ignition of the Korean war was not how China wants to begin NEoX; the New Era of Xi. It was now high time for young Kim to put his missiles away and get along with his neighbours - or to face Panda Rage on the world stage.

Much less discussed is SK's deployment of THAAD, the US' Terminal High Altitude Area Defense system; essentially a powerful radar imager which detects ballistic missile launches, extrapolates their trajectory and then fires interceptor missiles to knock them out in flight.  China objects to THAAD being stationed in SK, arguing it can spy directly on China's own military operations.  China's first response was to put SK in the dog house for deploying the system, unofficially boycotting SK products, businesses and celebrities within China and halving the usual 8m Chinese tourists from visiting SK . 


http://www.koreaherald.com/view.php?ud=20180626000649&ACE_SEARCH=1

As painful and expensive as this was, SK actively encouraged tourism from other nations in an attempt to ride out the storm until Nov 2017 when China lifted these restrictions in exchange for SK promises not to develop THAAD any further.

https://www.scmp.com/week-asia/geopolitics/article/2120452/china-wins-its-war-against-south-koreas-us-thaad-missile

https://thediplomat.com/2018/04/is-the-us-south-korea-alliance-in-trouble/

The US and Mr T
The US Republican Party and SK's Pres. Moon recently suggested that Mr T be nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize for his role in the warming of relations with NK.  Naturally many object but we can all agree that even if Mr T does not deserve the prize the most, he would certainly enjoy it the most and he would definitely milk it the most.

If nothing else, Mr T is an actor, quite possibly an exquisite, sublime, Oscar-worthy actor.  However disappointing his administration may be, in the matter of North Korea, Mr T has played the role of President very well, perhaps even reassuringly responsibly, so far. Admittedly the world gasped at the immaturity of his opening lines; school-playground name-calling such as "I would never call him 'short' and 'fat' " and "Little Rocket Man".  But oh-how-much we relished NK's lofty, scholarly retort of "Dotard". Never was a spat squashed so quickly and so decisively.

Next Mr T had us on the edge of our seats promising to send the aircraft carrier USS Carl Vinson to the region to 'show resolve' while simultaneously initiating drills to evacuate all US personnel from the Korean peninsular. Evidently Mr T had learned that he too can fake the news; with this sly bluff he misdirected the world's attention with chest-beating puffery while the USS Carl Vinson quietly continued to San Diego as planned. Finally as Mr T's speech-writer brought us to an incendiary climax with threats of "fire and fury, the likes of which the world has never seen", Mr T personally improvised with a return to the playground; "My nuclear button is bigger than yours - and it works !".

Through all of this Mr T is to be congratulated for playing out his John Wayne/Gary Cooper/James Stewart alter ego without actually attempting a military solution.  Like previous presidents he seems to have listened to strategists' advice which concludes there is no military solution in which Seoul can be saved.

https://www.google.co.kr/amp/www.military.com/daily-news/2017/06/22/defense-officials-warn-of-seouls-destruction-war-north-korea.html%3fvariant=mobile.amp

After all Seoul city includes 25m people living only 30 miles from the DMZ. This distance can be covered in 30 minutes by tanks at full speed or  less than 3 minutes for the slowest regular rockets. In the event of hostilities, even the most modern technology could not prevent large parts of Seoul being levelled in hours - and with it ~230,000 US troops and english teachers. Not something for a president to blemish his CV with unnecessarily.

http://time.com/4751933/south-korea-evacuation-exercise-military/

As the 12 June Kim-Trump summit in Singapore approached, most media tried to show Mr T as inexperienced and ill-prepared. How much did he know about the history of the Korean war, about NK's military, did he think he could sign a peace treaty, how would he know if Kim could be trusted, how much time would Mr T need to assess Kim ? Mr T batted back the questions with the measured contempt they deserved; they were designed to trip him up and garner ignorant, arrogant or otherwise embarrassing sound-bites at a time when he needed to remain calm, focused and to stay within his remit. 


Ultimately Mr T did exactly what was required of a president; he flew in, shook hands, had lunch, signed some papers, showed off his limo and flew back - in time for his birthday 2 days later. Rocket launches have been postponed in return for military exercises put on hold. Against expectations, in a very difficult situation, as the world held its breath, Mr T delivered, presidentially.

https://www.military.com/daily-news/2018/06/25/trump-kim-summit-assessment.html

It is still far from clear if Kim Jong-Un is sincere about resetting NK's relationship with the rest of the world. This and any steps towards a peace on the peninsular would require a lot of hard work over a long time by many dedicated specialists. However all sides are now talking at senior levels and with a regularity not seen in decades. Unless and until it fails, 12 June 2018 may be one of the first real Apollo 11 moments of the new millennium; one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind. One thing is already certain; Mr T may survive a term or two, but inevitably he will be a note in the margin. Meanwhile, NEoX, the New Era of Xi, is already firmly established and well underway. 

A hard act to follow: the constitution of China now updated to include 'Xi JinPing Thought'

Out and About in Cambodia - Angkor Wat

There is no denying that city life is stressful, perhaps too stressful and a modern megacity like Seoul is no exception. However where people have problems, others have solutions, so Seoul offers the usual range of distractions; from cinema to saunas via karaoke and baseball. 

(1986) Crocodile Dundee's innocent misunderstanding about life in the city:
"Imagine seven million people all wanting to live together. 
Yeah, New York must be the friendliest place on earth"

And if a distraction is not enough, Seoul also offers various forms of stress relief. For old birds, traditional relief includes the time-honoured 'personal massage' but for spring chickens, options now include dedicated 'Rage Rooms', rented for half an hour, in which you and your friends can throw a completely lunatic fit of unbridled vandalism. Armed with hammers, golf clubs and baseball bats you can smash inanimate objects into the smallest pieces and entirely wreck all the furniture you can trample on until you have worked all the stress out of your system.

http://m.koreatimes.co.kr/phone/news/view.jsp?req_newsidx=241268

Needless to say if you are an impatient, feisty female whose daddy or hubby owns a national conglomerate, then you can simply treat the workplace as your own personal Rage Room and vent your anger directly on the employees; abuse them like inanimate objects and then spend a fortune on lawyers to cover it all up with gagging orders. 

https://www.theguardian.com/world/2018/apr/16/korean-air-suspends-executive-over-violent-outburst-meeting-nut-rage-daughter-airline-chairman

http://english.chosun.com/site/data/html_dir/2018/05/10/2018051001521.html

http://www.koreatimes.co.kr/www/nation/2018/05/251_249529.html

When you are too busy to even prepare an instant noodle, it is worth remembering that any quantity of food or snacks, from a three-course meal to a single bottle of Yakult can be delivered to your home or work at any hour of the day or night to help you maintain focus. If you have already lost focus due to too much alcoholic stress relief, then you can simply dial up a driver to drag you out from under the table of your favourite karaoke bar and drive you home in your own car - assuming you can remember where your car is and where your home is, which is not always as easy as it sounds. 

When the time finally comes to leave behind the stress of the city for somewhere blissful and timeless, it is reassuring to know that you can fly to Cambodia's ancient temple complex at Angkor in just five and a half hours without any risk of 'nut rage' because, mercifully, the route is not covered by Korean Air.

Cambodia
Cambodia looks west onto the Gulf of Thailand, nestled between Thailand, Laos and Vietnam.  Although its economy based on agriculture and textiles currently struggles to support a modest population of 15 million, the country has enjoyed a much more glorious past. From 800 to 1400 AD Cambodia was the seat of the Khmer Empire, based at Angkor on the northern shore of the near-central great Tonle Sap lake. 

Stress free: Cambodia's Great Lake Tonle Sap

The City of Angkor
By sometime in the 12th century the Khmer empire had become the largest in Southeast Asia, with the city of Angkor becoming the world's largest city prior to the Industrial Revolution; larger than modern day Paris and comprising more stone than the combined structures of ancient Egypt. The earliest temples built in the area were Hindu but these gradually  gave way to Buddhist designs as the new religion swept the empire.  Today approx 70 major stone structures are concentrated in an area 24km by 8km, with hundreds of minor structures beyond. Modern survey techniques estimate the city covered between 1,000 and 3,000 square km, possibly making it as large as modern day Washington.

By the 1400s the Khmer Empire was already in decline and although the city of Angkor was sacked in 1431, the temple of Angkor Wat itself continued as an active Buddhist shrine.  Many surrounding temples were abandoned and virtually all were starting to be neglected by the 1500s but even these were visited by the occasional French missionary or Portugese monk as they attempted to enlighten the locals with the latest Christian rapture. 

Credit for promoting Angkor's wonders to the western world officially falls to French naturalist Henri Mouhot, sponsored by the Royal Geographical Society.  Mouhot made a long expedition to the area in 1860, writing breathless journals on what he found there shortly before prematurely expiring from a bout of malaria just a year later. Mouhot claimed the ruins exceeded those of ancient Greece and Rome effusing;

"At Ongcor, there are ...ruins of such grandeur... that, at the first view, one is filled with profound admiration, and cannot but ask what has become of this powerful race, so civilized, so enlightened, the authors of these gigantic works?"

Angkor Wat by Henri Mouhot in 1860: still an active temple but with few visitors 

Mouhot's journals stimulated sufficient interest for other European notables to start adding the Angkor temple complex to their itinerary.  In 1865, five years after Mouhot's death, Anna Leonowens (popularly recognised as 'Anna and the King' [of Siam]) also visited, although her impressions were never widely published.  Only at the end of the 1800s, following the visit of two eminent French archaeologists, was sufficient finance secured to begin the methodical, ongoing task of clearing the jungle, fixing drainage and restoring structural damage.


The Temple of Angkor Wat
Today the temple of Angkor Wat is claimed to be the largest religious structure in the world, set on a vast moated island accessed over a causeway the length of London's Tower Bridge.

Constructed from 1113-1150, its pyramid style features higher structures in the centre.
Current day forest has replaced the original wooded structures of the city around the temple

Angkor Wat temple; built as a mausoleum, 
designed to reflect Hindu cosmology, later transformed  to Buddhism

Endless lofty sandstone cloisters funnel breezes and provide shade from the afternoon sun

The top and centre of the temple, representing heaven, where quiet reflection is still possible

After almost a millennium, technology now encroaches, not the jungle

The Temple of Ta Prohm
Ta Prohm is an example of a flat, Buddhist temple abandoned for centuries.  Restoration efforts have been deliberately minimal to preserve the harmony between the jungle and the structures. 

Angelina Jolie's Lara Croft at Ta Prohm temple in Tomb Raider (2001),
the first Hollywood movie filmed in Cambodia since Peter O'Toole's 'Lord Jim' in 1965.

Ta Prohm temple; worship in a magnificent natural setting

Ta Prohm temple; difficult to see where the temple ends and the jungle begins

The Temple of Baphuon at Angkor Thom
An example of a pyramid style, Hindu temple, later converted to Buddhist and subsequently neglected requiring extensive demolition, new foundations and reconstruction stone by stone.

Bauphon temple; dizzying size and scale

The Terrace of the Elephants; wall detail showing elephants and riders

The Temple of Bayon at Angkor Thom
The last temple to be built at Angkor, also in the pyramid style, originally a Buddhist temple, converted to Hindu, reverted to Buddhist and finally abandoned to the jungle for centuries.

The shade of the ruins provides relief from the afternoon heat

A total of 216 stone faces look down from the towers with serenity at people passing by

 

Siem Reap
The previously unknown nearby village of Siem Reap mushroomed quickly from the global interest in Angkor such that it now serves the needs of tourists coming from far and wide to while away the hours, unwind under the trees and wander through the temple ruins at their own leisure.

Although most visitors only stay for a few days or perhaps a week at most, the ancient city of Angkor offers enough temple ruins to keep a person busy for months.  That's even without digressing to the mangroves of the great Tonle Sap lake, river cruises or other tourist attractions.  Whichever brand of spiritualism you succumb to there is a tangible feeling of peace and tranquility to be absorbed from these ruins which is curiously not present when ambling around other hallowed loci such as the Vatican, the Temple of  Karnak, Bangkok's Temple of the Emerald Buddha, Ephesus' House of the Virgin Mary, Turkey's Mount Nemrut or the Hagia Sophia.  Whether this is due to the natural jungle setting or the magnificent size, scale and geometry of the structures, the colours of the rock, the intense hue of the sunlight or the play of the shadows is impossible to say.  The overall impression that one takes away from the place is one of quiet, contented, calm, confidence, energy and optimism.  The ideal place to get away from it all.

Losers Back Home

Of course, when living in a foreign country, it is all too easy to scrutunise the way everything is done and to make judgements about things you don't understand. It is even easier to forget that others are probably, almost certainly, scrutunising you; making their own snap judgements - not only about you as a foreigner but also the country they presume you come from. 

Right up until the early '90s, the number of foreigners in South Korea struggled to reach even a paltry 100,000 for the first time. 

1985 Live Aid at Wembley Stadium.
The crowd capacity was 72,000, roughly the number of foreigners in Korea at the time.

Back then on the shiny, new, Seoul subway people looked at us in hushed, cautious awe - as if we were new zoo exhibits which might bite if disturbed. No doubt the locals were mindful of the words of their King Gojong who described all foreigners in the late 1800's as "uneducated louts … driven by lechery and sensuality". 100 years later that is still a pretty harsh reputation to recover from, even if you have a few months in which to try to set the record straight. 

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Foreigners_in_Korea

Foreigners fitting in; sometimes easier said than done, especially on the subway

By 2016 the number of foreigners finally breached 2 million.  This is still barely 3.4% of the total population but each year the national media uses the new census figures to stoke lots of wailing and gnashing of teeth with rhetorical questions such as 'How long can this go on ?' and 'Where will this end ?'.  Short-sighted xenophobes are left gazing into their collective navel searching for answers how to preserve the Korean identity, unchanged, for ever.  

The annual Seoul Lantern festival;
invites nations from all over Asia to join an hours-long parade of lanterns through the city

For many decades approx 50% of all foreigners in Korea have been Chinese. Many Koreans will tell you quietly but proudly that while Chinese businessmen usually outperform the locals in most parts of the world, the Korean govt wisely prevented the Chinese from owning property and businesses in Korea for many years, thereby stalling early Chinese domination of the fledgling Korean economy. However in recent enlightened times, these regulations have been relaxed so the Chinese appetite for property in the popular holiday hotspot of Jeju and in cities such as Seoul goes unchecked.

https://list.juwai.com/news/2017/06/juwai-reveals-chinese-buyer-sentiments-on-south-korea  

https://qz.com/259419/the-chinese-are-buying-out-south-koreas-jeju-island-and-the-islanders-are-none-too-pleased/

http://english.chosun.com/site/data/html_dir/2016/10/15/2016101500451.html

After the Chinese, the second largest group of foreigners (~33%) are migrant workers who come from all over Asia to work on the farms and in the factories. Initially invited to Korea on valid work visas, migrant workers earn low salaries but more than they could in their home countries. For this reason, when the migrant's work visa expires, the employers often take advantage of the worker's reluctance to return home, including the withdrawal of legal benefits and entitlements and official documentation. Without these the worker essentially becomes illegal; tied to the employer but without any job security or leverage to negotiate better employment terms. In this way migrant workers routinely slip into the huge, unregulated black economy, working exhaustive hours in poor housing conditions for increasingly disadvantageous reward. 

https://vimeo.com/109425722

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vkqUkCf6h28

https://www.koreaexpose.com/south-korea-migrant-workers/

http://www.koreaherald.com/view.php?ud=20171222000777

Even worse, having overstayed their visa, migrant workers cannot return to Korea if they leave, so they stay year upon year without break or vacation. In many cases relationships break down between the migrant worker and the family they support back home. New relationships form within the workforce by default, creating new undocumented families locked permanently in the black economy. While such shenanigans may not be possible within the huge, well-regulated conglomerates that has it's name on your fridge or tv, each sqeaky clean chaebol is supported by a very broad-based pyramid of second and third tier suppliers and contractors which can operate as they wish from the shadows.

Meanwhile in a recent heartfelt piece by a Korean-American returning to Korea to re-connect with the country, the author casually described western foreigners (~13% or 340,000) by the unfamiliar abbreviation 'LBH'.  

https://www.buzzfeed.com/ealexjung/korean-american-asian-american

A little fishing through the internet revealed this to be a derogatory term meaning 'Loser Back Home', or sometimes more fully; 'Loser Back Home, Alpha Abroad'. Deeper trawling revealed a firm conviction among some groups that westerners can only be working in Asia because they failed to make a career in their home country. These 'failures' then consider themselves successful Alphas when placed in charge of people or projects in Asia. 

People who hold these convictions criticise LBH's for a wide range of professional and personal faults starting with the foreigners' job skills, down through their lazy work ethic and cultural insensitivity, right down to their lousy dress-sense, tasteless food preferences, unbridled alcoholism and their cavalier delusions of knighthood while trying to woo the local women. Derision of LBH's skills typically includes comments such as: "How much talent do you really need to teach your native language anyway ?". There is also much derision attached to the LBH's  nationality. The term "shit-hole countries" was recently made infamous but such thinking is not only held in high office by people who are bald enough to know better. 

Most Koreans are not well traveled beyond Asia and few will volunteer for a foreign assignment, even to a comfortable, culturally rich, socially vibrant city with a relaxed business environment somewhere in Europe. However Koreans will agree to go abroad for the success of their project, department or company or as a display of fealty after being hired as a newbie. It appeals to the innate Korean sense of duty to know that the company's success depends on their personal suffering to endure a miserable assignment far from home, even if it's a cushy little number in Madrid. Imagine therefore how counter intuitive it is for a Korean to hear that a western LBH not only volunteered to move to Korea but also brought the family to see something of the wider world. It is as totally baffling as it is highly unlikely. It is easier to believe the LBH was fired from every job he could find in his home country and has slyly duped his way into a Korean conglomerate where he will immediately set about inflating his ego by bossing around the minions assigned under him. 

This is not to say that all foreigners are in Korea willingly or that they behave well all the time. There are still approx 28,000 US servicemen in South Korea who wonder daily why a military truce has been allowed to fester unresolved for an amazing 65 years and still needs to be reinforced by Uncle Sam. 

Seoul's Itaewon area has long been the favourite haunt of these servicemen and therefore also Seoul's other foreigners. Behaviour in Itaewon is not perfect but it is getting better; these days street-fights are generally limited to 2 people after 2 am and last for 20 minutes. Invariably they slog it out in one gruelling bout which gets progressively slower and more wearied until the pair are on their knees without the strength to lift either fist. At this point the police gingerly appear to politely offer the pair safe, secure and separate sleeping accommodation for the rest of the day. It may be bad behaviour, but it barely registers when compared with a typical Saturday night on the streets of most large cities in Europe or the US. 

Itaewon at night: peaceful, mostly

Aside from active duty servicemen, western foreigners are working in Korea for the usual mix of reasons. Those on single status often have a partner back home who cannot give up an equally important career and income. Others may want a little relief from the stress or tedium of what family life has become. Some are financing an impressive set of divorce settlements for which they urgently need the allowances, tax breaks, subsidised living costs, etc which sometimes come with a foreign assignment. I still recall the day a friend burst into my office complaining that his allowance had been reduced by 1 Euro per day. Naively I asked why this distressed him so much. He confided that he had 3 divorce settlements to finance which consumed his entire monthly salary. Consequently he was now living soley on his allowances and depended on this daily Euro to keep from starving. Ironically this foreign assignment, which was supposed to finance his divorces, simply served to introduce him to his future ex-wife No 4. On reflection this friend might have done better to stop working and simply go live on a beach.

Foreigners on married and family status are also abundant in Korea. They help to meet the demand for foreign teachers and also to drive the demand for good international schools. In such an educationally focused country, places at international schools are highly sought after by many families. So much so that many foreign schools limit applications to students with at least one foreign parent simply to stem the tide of applications. 

Seoul Foreign School - 'outstanding' by any definition of the word

Typically the schools follow international equivalents of the domestic syllabuses of France, Germany, US and UK, etc. As expected foreign sports competitions and cultural trips are regular fixtures in each school year. Academic standards are very impressive with the majority of students winning places at reputed international universities. With a steady and generous revenue stream, the facilities at such schools are envious and (sadly) beyond the reach of most schools back home, certainly the schools that most can afford to send their kids to.

Leaving aside the motives of Losers Back Home, Korea's culture offers all foreigners a chance to reset their views and values of the world they know.  Furthermore it's geographical location makes it a perfect springboard for visiting nearby marvels in Cambodia, Vietnam, China, Thailand, Japan, Oz, India, Malaysia and Indonesia - to name just a few. These in turn afford the chance to meet fellow Losers Back Home who are busy doing all the things you have not yet had time to do yourself; honeymooning in Machu Picchu, driving up Mount Nemrut in the snow, diving through pearls growing in the sunken hulks of Japanese destroyers, tipping tea off your 7th floor balcony at -40°C to see it evaporate before it reaches the ground, boiling eggs in a lake inside an island inside a lake inside an island, pulling bottles of champagne from the mud inside war-time ship wrecks, night-clubbing in long-abandoned silver mines dug by the Conquistadors, lighting incense at the shrine of the 47 Ronin, finding peace in the ruins of Angkor Wat.

Angkor Wat - a place find yourself

Climate Change Confirmed - politicians, scientists, church agree

This morning, in a rare, coordinated media blitz, leaders from every corner of the globe sensationally announced they were now ready to announce something totally sensational.  

No 10 wears Stella McCartney house slippers

Britain's woefully Sub-Prime Minister appeared predictably for the cameras in signature leopard print house slippers to give a statement outside No 10.  


Meanwhile Mr Putin, looking relaxed after an effortless election victory, sported open-neck, smart-casual hunting fatigues for a short announcement in front of the Gasprom Flame of Eternal Reward.  

Sig Berlusconi appeared in a chiffon nightie with love-bites on his neck and fresh welts on his thighs on the front doorstep of one of his regular 'nieces'.  

Sig Berlusconi - a stock photo showing some indiscretion behind the podium

Together they confirmed what scientists, climatologists and even the bears in the woods have been reporting for years; the world is experiencing global climate change, the likes of which has not been seen since the days when you could walk from England to France.

Parts of the globe which have been deep frozen for decades are warming for the first time; news agencies are reporting unusual signs of life.  This includes the first attempts in recent memory to reciprocate communication by the KimJongUns. These highly reclusive inhabitants of the northern Korean peninsular normally hibernate for countless years on end, huddled for warmth around their uranium enrichment facilities hidden deep in the dark caves under the mountains.   

South Korea hosts the new, slimmer face of North Korea;
Kim YoJong, Director of NK's Propoganda & Agitation Dept 
and more importantly, the youngest sister of NK leader Kim JongUn 

http://www.businessinsider.com/south-korea-message-to-us-kim-jong-un-nuclear-talks-2018-3

A delegation of South Korean negotiators immediately flew from Seoul to Washington to report the previously unlikely thawing of relations with North Korea. They brought with them an 'unconventional message' from Kim JongUn addressed to 'US President Dennis Rodman'.  

Whitehouse medics had to treat several South Korean negotiators for dislocated shoulders after they apparently patted themselves on the back a little too hard following the success of their epiphanous decision to 'initiate dialogue' with North Korea; a concept previously dismissed as 'dangerous' by more conservative South Korean governments.  This dialogue was just the latest warming event in a chain reaction beginning with South Korea postponing its winter military drills with the US. This led to the North's cessation of test missiles launched into the Pacific. In turn North Korea accepted an invitation to participate in South Korea's Winter Olympics; notably the 'Icy Hard Stare' and 'Synchronised Scowling' events, at which they won gold, silver and bronze.

Vice Pres. Mike Pence and wife Karen make a solid synchronised effort at the classic 'Over my dead body' scowl.
Ultimately a more engaging 'Come on, impress me' scowl by NK's Kim YoJong (rear, left) won over the judges in the Synchronised Scowling Event (Humourless Diplomat Class)

Just weeks later North Korea's Fat Controller urgently brushed the dust off 'Thomas', his father's favourite tank engine, setting the wheels in motion for his first trip abroad since taking power in 2011.  

Rasberry ripple and lemon sorbet : firm favourites with Kim JongUn since childhood 

Where better to go than China for an even faster warming of relations between Super-Supreme Leader Kim and Emperor Xi as the two leaders celebrated Mr Xi's recently elevated status.

http://www.scmp.com/news/china/diplomacy-defence/article/2139342/chinese-president-xi-jinping-north-korean-leader-kim

While the far east reveled in totally unprecedented warming, the west has conversely been plunged into the sharpest cooling of relations in modern memory. Rhetoric was already frosty, even by European standards, after Britain formally declared 'Brexit' - an intention to take all their toys from the playground and to go home to play with themselves.  


After months of deteriorating speculation about a speculative deterioration of relations, most observers thought things could not get any worse than Britain's David Davies. 

Then a secret nerve agent was used on unwitting victims in sleepy Salisbury.  This became the unlikely catalyst for a sudden show of strength and unity as Europe stopped bickering for a few moments and were joined by the US for The Great Russian Freeze-out.  

Russian attachés were sent packing from all countries in time for Easter.  Russia immediately warned of retaliation; the expulsion of an equal number of foreign officials from Russia. Inevitably one lone squatter tweeted jubilantly from the Whitehouse; 
"Russia can't expel any of MY attachés because I didn't appoint any yet ! Losers !" 

Putin on the charm, with Emperor Xi

Tzar Putin was later heard joking with friends; 
"Comrades: he wails with the petulant insecurity of an unloved child - the free world finally has the leader it deserves. 

"But, to business; Beijing, next week, Emperor Xi invites me for a detailed inspection of his troops to celebrate our respective election victories. There will be many female comrades wearing automatic weapons and uniforms pressed with so much starch their skirts will crack like gunfire when they sit down. He will showcase China's latest range of assault tanks which are now available in a stunning range of day-glo colours with air conditioning and martini shakers fitted as standard. Sadly, none of you are invited. Laters comrades. Don't call me, I'll call you."

Meanwhile leaders of less-developed nations seem much less confident about managing the unpredictable swings predicted in the global climate. President Nana Akufo Addo of Ghana gave an example;

Flooding: not funny

"Last year we had 3 months of torrential rain; more rain than normally falls in 3 years. River levels rose 10m above normal height, sweeping away roads and bridges completely. Water burst the river banks in many areas, flooding into our homes. Crocodiles swam freely onto the balcony of my mother's 4th floor apartment ! My goodness, it was definitely not funny ! 

"Our brave but ill-equipped emergency services were completely overwhelmed of course. When the water level finally dropped, we saw proof - incontrovertible proof - of God's unique sense of humour.  Can you imagine how difficult it was to get a 5 ton hippo out of the topmost branches of a mahogany tree ?  It is not easily done I tell you ! The animal was very, very distressed and not even a little bit grateful. It was not worth the effort.  If it happens again, we will simply shoot the bugger up there in the branches and then chop down the tree.  We will send the villagers home with a heaven-sent BBQ of firewood and hippo-steaks.  You can take my word for it."

Back stateside an exceptionally strong storm named 'Daniels', the likes of which has never been seen before, continues to be fueled by huge amounts of hot air spewed by a disingenuous, mystery Whitehouse resident named 'David Dennison'.

https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/the-fix/wp/2018/03/07/the-7-most-interesting-parts-of-stormy-danielss-lawsuit-against-trump/?utm_term=.77574631ea4c

60 minutes ?  Daniels didn't even need 6

Rather than ignoring the storm so it quietly blows itself out, lawyers for Mr Dennison continue to deny DD was ever in the eye of the storm or indeed that DD even tried to make the storm go away. This despite DD's well documented, regular bragging about his prolific success at chasing and riding out many other storms in the past. 

Claims of proof that Dennison
shared a bed with Daniels

Denials only served to whip storm Daniels into a greater frenzy, boosting public interest, speculation and intense media coverage. 

After '60 Minutes' aired an extended weather forecast to examine the storm in detail, most observers thought the storm would change course to distance itself from further controversy. However this now seems unlikely given this week's relentless new bursts of hot air from lawyers of Mr Dennison.

Last but not least, a Vatican spokesman also confirmed that climate change is a sin against the Creation, against the Natural World and as such is no less than a sin against God himself.

Pope Francis sporting the Vatican's own design; 
an Earth Wind Water and Fire Elemental Energy Collector neck ruffle, 
proudly not based on works by either Copernicus or Galileo.

"Let me be clear," a spokesman explained, "The church is very much aware of our duty to preserve the Earth as the greatest of God's gifts to man. We are proud of our great strides in reducing carbon emissions, starting in the middle ages, no less. We were the first to stop burning witches as early as the mid 1600's while other churches irresponsibly continued for at least another century. Ours is an enlightened, loving, all inclusive church and as such we rapidly embraced the transition to drowning, hanging and beheading as environmentally friendly - and let's not forget merciful - solutions for exorcising Satan from the possessed, demonic women and children living in our communities. By the way, perhaps you are interested in our exciting training program to prepare squads of new exorcists for global assignment ? You get to keep your frequent flier miles."

https://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/2018/03/30/exorcism-training-course-put-vatican-demand-rises/

“This is 2018 folks, it is no longer the Middle Ages.
Self-taught exorcists no longer cut the mustard; we're hiring apprentices”

  

Just When You Thought it's All Over ...

Let's face it; some men are naturally gorgeous. They are mouth-watering, perhaps even scrumptious; whether they have just been pulled out of a wrecked car (Connery), pulled through a hedge backwards (Depp) or just simply pulled with Elizabeth Debicki (Hiddleston). 

A moment of rare prescience which we all failed to appreciate in 1964;

Goldfinger apologises to Bond for the caddying shortcomings of his henchman Oddjob -

"Golf is not yet the national game of Korea, eh ?"

Johnny Depp, timeless as Edward Scissorhands in 1990 

2017's The Night Manager: 

Debicki and Hiddleston: "Phwoor" and "Phwoorer" 

Then at the other end of the spectrum are the guys with "the perfect face for radio". Or as a friend put it rather less charitably; "You've all the looks of a tennis ball that's been chewed by yer mutt for the best part of 30 years". Always looking for the silver lining, I interpreted this as his warmest wish that my four-pawed buddy would achieve such privileged longevity.


It has to be said there are very few of us 'tennis balls' in Korea and most of us are indeed foreigners. South Korean men and women are for the most part strikingly good looking, with each generation successively increasing the average height of the population. During the course of a normal business day in Seoul it is not unusual to meet Korean men and women-in-heels who approach 6ft in height, sporting thick, dark hair, flawless skin and very well-toned, slender, athletic physiques. Young South Koreans at least have broken out of the mould of the short, stooped, Asian shopkeeper.

Meanwhile the scarce data which exists suggests that poverty and famine have combined to such a degree that North Koreans have already fallen behind their South Korean cousins by at least 3" in only 65 years since the end of the Korean war. Exactly how much varies according to sources; anything from 3" according to Seoul's Sungkyunkwan University

https://www.bbc.com/news/magazine-17774210

Or 6" according to Christopher Hitchens

https://slate.com/news-and-politics/2010/02/kim-jong-il-s-regime-is-even-weirder-and-more-despicable-than-you-thought.html

Back to John McCain's 3"

https://well.blogs.nytimes.com/2008/09/29/short-north-koreans-and-americans/


Whichever is correct, the pursuit of movie-star looks and extended youth are powerfully fueling the economy and the media. In 2018 the Korean beauty market was estimated to be worth US$13bn, a little less than the opening cost of 2 new nuclear reactors at Hinkley Point in Somerset. Sadly there are no prizes for guessing which of these will rapidly outpace the other, much to the chagrin of the British electricity consumer.

http://www.mintel.com/press-centre/beauty-and-personal-care/a-bright-future-south-korea-ranks-among-the-top-10-beauty-markets-globally

https://edition.cnn.com/2018/04/11/health/korean-makeup-beauty-health-benefits/index.html


Of course beauty products are no longer aimed exclusively at the female consumer. Anything a woman can do, a man can do better, vanity not excluded. Korean men are now increasingly the target of new product launches; for example 'Boy de Chanel' which selected South Korea for its initial worldwide release.

https://www.forbes.com/sites/tiffanyleigh/2018/08/27/chanel-debuts-boy-de-chanel-male-makeup-collection/#6c9a4cfee3c5


In this simple move Chanel confers to the Korean men's cosmetic market the same importance as the movie industry would if it held the worldwide premier of the next Bond movie in Seoul. And not surprisingly the soundbites are just as corny as any quip by Roger Moore's 007;

"For Chanel, 

beauty is not a matter of gender; 

it is a matter of style. 

This new range allows men in their beauty routines to 

have the tools necessary to feel better about themselves. 

Moreover, men should be free to use makeup products 

to correct their appearance, 

without calling into question their masculinity." 

So all praise to Chanel for delivering unto us the tools we need to hide the zit under our chin to give us the confidence to travel under the glaring, unforgiving lighting of public transport.

With military service being compulsory in South Korea it is reassuring to know the cosmetics industry can still support with products such as; 

'Dandy Guy 4-Colour Camo Cream'

which is not only 'non-sensitive' but also 'without harsh chemicals'.

"Men have every right to protect their skin" - while they are presumably protecting their country.

https://www.cbc.ca/news/world/korean-men-makeup-cosmetics-mainstream-1.4552761


It is important to note that the current reinvention of Korean masculinity is driven largely by female preference rather than male re-positioning and is not in any way linked to an expression of sexuality. K-Pop, TV and film have become launchpads for a softer, androgynous Korean male image which departs from previous rugged stereotypes.

https://www.scmp.com/lifestyle/fashion-luxury/article/2103854/cutting-edge-beauty-male-plastic-surgery-south-korea

Yesterday's boyfriend material: ByungHun Lee as the ultimate assassin ChoBai Han.Rugged machismo with the necessary firepower to (almost) dispatch
Bruce Willis and John Malkovich in 2013's Red 2: "The Best Never Rest"

World famous BTS; with the necessary eyebrows to make your knees tremble.
Guys that nice girls dream of bringing home to meet the parents.Helping to launch a UNICEF youth campaign at the United Nations on 24 Sept;
“No matter who you are, where you’re from, your skin colour, your gender identity,
just speak yourself,”

The elephant in the room is always that come the zombie apocalypse, a devastating meteor strike or having to recreate the Normandy landings for every post-Brexit shopping sortie to France, who do you want to watch your back ? Someone who can lock and load a GAU17A machine gun, someone who can jump start an amphibious military landing craft or someone who needs 3 technicians to conceal his concealer ?

Hair today, gone tomorrow
It has been known for more than a decade that metabolised products from recreational drugs can be monitored in London's Thames during the week to back-calculate the number of doses of cocaine and ecstasy used in the capital during the previous weekend.

https://news.nationalgeographic.com/2018/06/european-eels-on-cocaine-polluted-rivers-science-environment-animals/

https://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/uknews/1502321/River-of-cocaine.html

A similar exercise in Korea would instead show an alarming spike in black hair dye products flushed into the waterways on the last weekend of every month. As each month progresses one can clearly see small, distinguished flecks of grey, silver and white quickly sprouting in all the usual places on one's colleagues; the side burns, around the hair parting, the top of the neck, etc. These are natural signs of experience, wisdom and maturity. However suddenly, on the first Monday of the month, all will vanish completely as colleagues report for work looking 20 years younger than they looked the previous Friday. In some cases they look barely a day older than their own kids in the college graduation photos proudly displayed on their desks. Apart from the appearance of eternal youth, this is partly a response to the rapid increase of 'twilight divorces' and consequently 'second careers'.

In the 12 years to 2013 divorce rates fell by 25% in Korea but  among those married for more than 20 years rates soared 31%, now accounting for one quarter of all divorces. The trigger is typically when the husband reaches retirement age or is retired early. This is when wives have the sudden epiphany that their husband's long working hours were in fact the best feature of their marriage and that to be together all day every day will be insufferable. With recent changes in the law and favourable judgements setting legal precedents wives are now promptly filing for divorce and taking half of everything with them.

https://www.reuters.com/article/us-southkorea-divorce/its-never-too-late-twilight-divorce-in-south-korea-at-record-idUSKCN0T12KV20151112

http://koreabizwire.com/twilight-divorces-and-national-pension-splits-both-on-the-rise/114140

In such a climate it now becomes imperative for each husband to preserve his dashing good looks to minimise the risk of being retired early and indeed, should the worst occur, to trade on his experience to start a 'second career' as a senior consultant in a smaller company, just when you think it's all over. 


http://m.koreatimes.co.kr/pages/article.asp?newsIdx=252860

Anything but the quiet life.