The KBS Apocalypse Special

Presenter: Hot on the heels of last week's huge military parades in Pyongyang comes this week's 85th anniversary of the founding of North Korea's People's Army. The burning question amongst the world's top generals and their ladies-who-latte is; just how will the boy-king-turned-Super-Supreme-Leader, Kim JongUn choose to celebrate ? 

Apocalypse Now: make sure your last meal is the Nuclear Bomb Burger
- only USD $4 with a soft drink 

In the last two weeks Kim has launched so many tirades it is difficult to know which is his favourite form of destruction right now. Will he make good on an early promise to wipe the US from the face of the Earth in a sea of fire ? Or will he be content to just sink a passing aircraft carrier with 'a hole in one' ? 

USS Carl Vinson: diverting to make a hot spot even hotter !

Don't forget his ominous threats to annihilate any allies which stand together with the US: - Australia has already irked the young warrior once this week, as has Japan several times over. It's becoming hard to keep track of all of young Kim's enemies and the feast of options on the table before him. One nation not yet in Kim's bad books is the Giant Chinese Panda; but how long will it be before telephone calls from Kim's arch nemesis President T to Kim's neighbour President Xi finally leave the panda with dirty paws ? 

Let's hope the young emperor can handle all this international attention, the pressure of military leadership and this undoubted test of his stamina without an accidental premature ejection of his nuclear weapon.

Keep cool to avoid premature ejection

Come what may, you can rest in peace knowing that the Korea Broadcasting Service will bring you the very best, split-second reportage right through your End of Days and into the aftermath.

KBS' intrepid reporters will be live on location (well, initially at least) to relay updates of the whole shooting match as it happens. Our front line reporters have been dispatched literally to the front line; along the full length of the DMZ from where they will bring you blow by blow accounts of incursions by either side. 

Standard issue South Korean military rucksack
- note the flag and name fixed by velcro so they can be quickly exchanged for North Korean flag and name to facilitate a hasty retreat  

Our favourite K-Pop girl group ME4Uranium235 will be cheering our forces as they race headlong into oblivion. 

Meanwhile high speed coverage will be brought to you in glorious ultra high definition by KBS's sports reporters located on the nation's highest peaks. From there they will capture the full splendour of mushroom-shaped vapour clouds bursting over our mountains and the searing nuclear firestorms as they rage across the peaks and through the valleys incinerating every last trace of vegetation and human activity in their wake. 

Ain't no mountain high enough to keep our reportage from you

Of course, for those of you who are too busy to watch these spectacular events live, KBS shall be screening repeats each night after 9pm with special edited highlights condensed into a 2 hour souvenir spectacular to be shown on Sunday evening.

And now as we wait for the nail-biting escalation to the final countdown, let's see how some foreign visitors are preparing for the inevitable. Earlier today we spoke to two embassy officials Bob and Mable who arrived 3 years ago.

Presenter: So Bob, Mable, both of you obviously decided to stay here in Seoul for the grand finale. Firstly what are your impressions of the infamous Mr Kim ?

Mable: Well frankly we are both very disappointed; he is just a horrid little schoolboy without any class, isn't he ? We have lived under the best dictators of the 20th century and we can tell you honestly, this little Kim barely deserves the title.

Bob: Hmm

Gaddaffi: punctual

Mable: We spent 3 years in Tripoli with that Colonel Gaddaffi. Now he was a real professional; military man of course. You could set your watch by his firing squads; his prisoners were always dead on time, 11am, no matter what the charge, the evidence or the verdict. Always small calibre rifles at close range, never any mess and not even enough noise to interrupt your focus when completing the crossword with a croissant in the café across the square .

Bob: Hmm

Saddam: Panache

Mable: Then we spent 5 years in Baghdad under Saddam. He was an executioner's executioner; knew what he enjoyed and how to enjoy it. Pure showmanship, real panache; left everyone in awe. But finally the crucifixions became a bit much. Instead of a slow, quiet process that you could peek in on from day to day, he started to smash their knee joints and leg bones with iron bars to prevent them standing. There was so much howling and bone crunching. You can no longer call it a family event when your children start crying because their squeamish nanny has passed out and dropped their ice creams again. She was such an embarrasment that finally we had to stop going.

Bob: Hmm

Mable: As for this Kim, he has no taste, no style, no finesse. An execution by rocket launcher is hardly statesmanlike is it ? It's just pure gangster. And being set upon by ravenous dogs ? To much 'Game of Thrones' obviously. Nuclear tests and missile launches at 6:20 in the morning ? It is self evident, he has no decorum, All that good education wasted. Very disappointing indeed. As I keep saying to Bob: "Kim JongUn is a wrong 'un".

Bob: Hmm

Presenter: So what can you tell us about your personal countdown to cataclysm ?

Mabel: Well I know what to expect; to be incinerated at some ungodly hour with my hair in a net and my teeth in a glass beside the bed while I sleep. Nothing short of barbaric. Decent folks deserve annihilation some time after 10am. That would give us time for a hearty last breakfast with a few extra bacon rashers since we won't ever have to work them off. Then just an hour or two to feed the fish, shampoo the dog, take out the trash and check the lottery tickets. About 10:30 would be perfect, any later and I'll start feeling peckish before lunch.

Bob: Hmm

Presenter: I am afraid I have to stop you there ... KBS has reports from Seoul where people are desperately waiting the government's decision on the only issue more apocalyptic than the apocalypse. It's an issue which has vexed our rulers since the late 1300's and been the unbearable burden of every govt in modern times; The Egg Conundrums. Which end of the egg is the top and which is the bottom, also which is the correct end to break to eat the contents and  ... 

POOOOOOF !

President Xi: Consider yourself evicted.
There will now be an intermission of 20 years while Chinese language, government, administration, social hieracy and religion are formally re-established on the peninsular.

It's all about the long game innit ?

Mwhooor-hooor-hooor ......

[Menacing laughter and cackling fades to distance]

Bob: Well it was sure nice talking to you guys. 
Armageddon out'ta here !

Star Trek 14: The USS SmallHandSize

Meanwhile The United Federation of Planets continues to look to Starfleet Headquarters for a strategy to deter the warmongering Kimjonguns on the near fringes of the Delta Quadrant. The 'Kimmons' defiantly cling on to the assertions that they have the right to bear arms, develop their own weapons technology and to meet force with force if intimidated. This leaves Starfleet with only one option, to dispatch a heavy cruiser to the sector to show some 'resolve'.

Retired Captain James T Kirk, commented that back in the day, his Constitution class starship Enterprise would have been perfect for such a delicate mixture of strength, tact and diplomacy.

Kirk; Starfleet now has little use for the Constitution

"However these days Starfleet seems to have little use for the Constitution class. Instead they're sending nothing less than the fleet's new Ego class flagship the USS SmallHandSize."

Ego class flagship USS SmallHandSize - fitted with classified NC17 Pussygrabber technology

Starfleet confirmed the flagship has already been dispatched to 'monitor' the Kimjongun homeworld from close orbit and to 'be prepared' for any new weapons tests which might occur. Latest upgrades to the starship include the latest top secret 'NC17 Pussygrabber' technology. Starfleet declined to reveal details of what this does exactly but it is believed to address serious concerns logged by British captains Jagger and Richards who complained that they could get no satisfaction whatsoever from an earlier prototype installed on the HMS Marianne Faithfull.

In line with the Starfleet's current ethos to promote high profile businessmen and wealthy moguls over experienced politicians, the USS SmallHandSize will be captained by top Boston legal mind Captain Denny Crane; a man whose own extreme views and wandering rhetoric often receives very mixed reactions. When asked about nuking Iraq and Iran, Captain Crane casually replied;

"Sure, Before Breakfast"
"And then what ? North Korea ?"
"Ok"
"Pakistan ?"
"Why not ?"
"Afghanistan ?"
"If there's time"

Captain Crane : "Anybody can grow up to be president, that's what I say.
Except for Hillary.  She wins, I puke" 

Before departing space dock Captain Crane assured the media that he had the full weight of interplanetary law behind him.

"Any keen legal mind will tell you
(and remember, Denny Crane is still the best)

that this is first and foremost a Second Amendment issue.

We had the Second Amendment first, not the Kimjonguns.
Therefore we have the first right to bear arms, which means that they have diddly squat, if we say so.  And we do say so.
Being second to claim a Second Amendment doesn't count.
Either you claim a Second Amendment first or don't bother at all.

Sorry Kimjonguns; no cigar.
You know, mine are imported and rolled on the thighs of young virgins - they give you that firm, supple and vibrant-to-the-touch sensation every time you put one to your lips".

At which point a reporter asked; 

"But just a minute" before Captain Crane quickly cut the interview short declaring; 

"Mad cow, not a second to lose; lock and load - Denny Crane". 

A Starfleet spokeman explained that despite the new president being elected on a platform of 'Federation First' and 'Making The Federation Great Again', the president justified sending an armada to the Kimjongun homeworld;

"To prevent the bad guys from doing something very, very bad".

The spokesman continued;

"This is not only an unprecedented test of an untested president but also an untested test of an unprecedented president, not to mention a presidential test of untested precedents, and, erm, Advisor Rumsfeld, perhaps you can clarify a little ?". 

"Well it's like I said before; we have our basic known knowns; the things we know that we know. Then we have our known unknowns; the things that we know we don't know. But our weakness is our unknown unknowns; the things we don't know that we don't know."

At which point a Martian Chronicles reporter intervened; 

"But Sir, certainly it's good news if those in the know now know previously known or unknown unknowns ? 

Of course if our known or unknown unknowns are pretty much the same now as our known and unknown knowns were then, then that's not only bad news but certainly also bad intelligence, isn't it Sir ?" 

 At which point the spokesperson declared; 

"Eject that man he's a god-damned communist". 

To which security replied; 

"Well who knew ?"

The spokesman then handed over to Colonel Kernel and Space Marshal Martial to continue the briefing;

"The new Ego class USS SmallHandSize is the most advanced ship ever constructed by Starfleet. It uses a next generation Di-lie-thium matrix to convert anti truths, post truths, half truths, fake news and alternative truths into facts. This allows the ship to reach top speeds of Fact Warper 12 - the highest faster-than-truth speeds ever achieved. Basically this guarantees that Captain Crane can reach anywhere in the galaxy faster than the truth can catch up with him."

At this point the briefing descended first into farce and then straight into oblivion. 

"Live long and prosper" - except on the Kimjongun homeworld, obviously.

No lack of 'resolve' on the Korean Peninsula

After the deep chill of winter finally thaws, the sure sign that spring has sprung comes when Korea's famous cherry blossom starts to appear.  Trees bloom in a wave which rolls up the country from south to north, city by city, over a period of about 2 weeks. 

Cherry Blossom : winter finally over

This is not only a sure sign that March is upon us, but perhaps more ominously that the marching season has also returned. With tedious inevitability the North Korean govt is preparing another round of huge military parades to be staged in Pyongyang. April 15th marks the 105th birthday of Kim Il-Sung, founder of the Democratic People's Republic of Korea (DPRK), or perhaps more meaningfully, the start of the Kim dynasty's rise to power. Meanwhile April 25th marks the 85th anniversary of the founding of the Korean People's Army.

http://www.ibtimes.co.uk/north-korea-hints-massive-military-parade-mark-two-big-anniversaries-amid-nuclear-threats-1615074

https://www.theguardian.com/world/2015/feb/16/north-korea-kim-jong-il-birthday

Pyongyang's parades feature vast formations of people, arguably surpassing any US presidential inaugurations - and with nobody daring to dispute the official figures given to the media.

If past events are anything to go by, this is when Kim Jong-Un, the salad-dodging sabre-rattler with delusions of deity, will show the world the size of his weapons. Meanwhile intelligence analysts will use the same opportunity to comb through every pixel to see if the missiles on display are The Real Thing or just convincing cardboard models. If they are real, then what could be their likely range and payload capacity ?

"My hands are clean !"

"My hands are clean !" - obviously Kim Jong-Un's answer to awkward questions about February's assassination of his half brother Kim Jong-Nam with nerve agent VX in Kuala Lumpur airport. This conveniently eliminated any rivalry to the title of Super Supreme Leader, a post held by Kim Jong-Un since late 2011. At the same time, this incident confirmed that as well as wielding absolute power at home, feisty young Kim has a long reach and will not let his guard down, or indeed his hair down, with respect to adversaries at home or abroad. 

Simmer down
The last year saw simmering North-South tensions rise close to boiling point on several occasions with each short-sighted judgment by one side being compounded by another by the other side. Contributing factors (in no specific order) include;

• South Korea's (newly indicted, former) president Park abruptly curtailing all regular dialogue with counterparts in the north. Euphemistically this technique was described as; '...taking a tough line with the leadership in Pyongyang...'

• North Korea's resumption of processing nuclear fuel
  http://m.koreaherald.com/view.php?ud=20160817001026&ntn=0
  
  
• NK openly broadcasting code decryption numbers to secret agents stationed in South Korea
  http://m.koreatimes.co.kr/phone/news/view.jsp?req_newsidx=215656

• NK hacking SK's cyber military command centre
  http://www.bbc.com/news/world-asia-38219009

• NK's 5th nuclear detonation in January 2016 - claimed to be its first hydrogen bomb

• NK's 6th nuclear detonation in September 2016 - claimed to be its first nuclear payload which can be delivered by ballistic missile.

• NK's mostly successful launches of short and medium range ballistic missiles in February, March and April 2017

• SK's annual joint military exercises with the US in March 2017 under the guise of the Combined Forces Command to test battle readiness.

War Games

The annual Foal Eagle exercises of the Combined Forces Command
Jeux sans frontiers - "Whistling tunes we hide in the dunes at the seaside "

North Korea's often-cited justification for its nuclear weapons program is the need to be able to stave off an invasion by 'US imperialist forces and their allies' (= South Korea, Japan). NK claims that the evidence for this malicious intent is clear from the south's annual Foal Eagle joint military exercises. These were last held in March 2017 and typically involve 300,000 South Korean combat soldiers coordinating with a further 17,000 US troops to rehearse tactics and manoeuvres to repel an invasion by North Korea.  So while the south annually holds one of the world's largest military rehearsals to show its 'resolve' to deter aggression, the north develops weapons of mass destruction to, er, show its 'resolve' to deter aggression.

Kung Fu Panda
2016 saw the waters muddied further with proposals to install a US-supplied high-altitude missile-interception system (THAAD) in South Korea to destroy missiles fired by North Korea .  

THAAD: officially 'Terminal High Altitude Area Defence
Promoted as a gentlemen's missile interception system

This proposal soon pricked up the ears of the mighty Chinese Panda, which traditionally prefers to snooze through the tiffs and spats of other nations. Rightly or wrongly China believes that the THAAD radar system can see deep into Chinese territory and monitor China's own military operations. This is strongly denied by the US but China seems very certain of its information, suggesting that China may know more details about THAAD than the US thinks China knows.

In any event, the THAAD debacle has spurred the mighty Chinese Panda to demonstrate a little 'resolve' of its own, with a quietly understated reminder to Seoul just how much the South Korean economy depends on Chinese good will. Seoul's decision to accept THAAD was met with an immediate boycott of Korean stores in mainland China, with South Korea's Lotte department stores being forced to close almost all branches due to lack of custom. Simultaneously Chinese tour groups canceled visits to South Korea en mass while Chinese cruise ships decided to either bypass Korean ports or else the Chinese tourists simply declined to disembark after dropping anchor.        

http://shanghaiist.com/2017/03/13/chinese_tourists_refuse_jeju.php

The Chinese cruise ship Costa Serena docked in South Korea's holiday hot spot Jeju Island.
3,400 Chinese passengers on board, not one of which disembarked.
Lesson to South Korean govt: - don't poke The Panda 

What the Korean peninsula requires right now is a finely crafted mix of diplomacy, intelligence, experience and foresight. 
What is coming is an armada.

Parklife

As David Attenborough might observe in cautious, hushed tones; "Somewhere, between the Land of the Rising Sun (Japan) and the Land of the Falling Ballistic Missile (North Korea) the bitterly cold temperatures are gradually nudging higher, the daylight hours are getting longer and all manner of creatures are beginning to wake from their long hibernation".

In South Korea the winter months from November to February are when office workers undergo their winter office hibernation, slipping into a daily after-hours stasis in front of their computers. At 6pm they wolf down a large snack then return to their desk where activity levels rapidly reduce, attention span becomes minimal while communication and productivity fizzle out to absolute zero.  People remain in this waking stupor for up to 4 hours per day, long after all the sane people have already gone home. Its a strange phenomenon which is not apparently obvious at first but it slowly becomes clear after a little investigation.

Walking through the office at say 7pm on a winter's evening, about 30% of people will still be sitting at their desks ostensibly scrutinising a complex spreadsheet or the intricate 3D layout of some piping system on the huge screen in front of them. The initial assumption is that some important deadline is approaching so some extra hours are needed because, as ever, the last 20% of the task requires 80% of the effort. However surveillance over a few consecutive weeks shows it is invariably the same people working late and this has little or nothing to do with any deadlines because the other 70% of their respective teams regularly go home on time.

  

http://english.yonhapnews.co.kr/n_feature/2013/04/24/61/4901000000AEN20130424009700315F.HTML

In reality, the complex work so clearly visible was finished weeks ago and is on display as a simple bluff. Meanwhile on their smaller laptop screens, there are a myriad of smaller windows open showing everything ranging from celebrity news through car accessories to cheap holidays and YouTube. The late 'workers' are idly browsing these to kill time, effectively hibernating in the office until going home at 9pm. When asked why they are staying at their desk for up to 4 additional unpaid hours per day, a few may attempt a polite deflection about 'continuous improvement' but most will quietly admit in confidence the stark truth: "It's still to cold to sit in the park". 

Passing time in the park in the summer with a game of Baduk

Some foreigners may be baffled by this answer, but those with experience of Japan probably already guessed the underlying explanation. People who come home too early are judged to hold diminished status or importance in their team. Wives and other adult family members view regular hours with quiet disapproval; therefore there is a need to maintain appearances and come home respectably late. In the warmer months, the time can be filled by unwinding over a few board games with friends and peers in the park. This is a soothing tonic after the stress and formality of a day at the office. No doubt parklife is also a welcome alternative to the chaos unfolding at home as the kids return from Hagwon (evening school) at 9pm to be bathed and put to bed by the mother or grandparents. All things considered office hibernation during the winter is a neat solution for the main breadwinner, allowing him to impress his family with his valued position at work and to simultaneously keep a safe distance from all those tedious domestic chores.