Climate Change Confirmed - politicians, scientists, church agree

This morning, in a rare, coordinated media blitz, leaders from every corner of the globe sensationally announced they were now ready to announce something totally sensational.  

No 10 wears Stella McCartney house slippers

Britain's woefully Sub-Prime Minister appeared predictably for the cameras in signature leopard print house slippers to give a statement outside No 10.  


Meanwhile Mr Putin, looking relaxed after an effortless election victory, sported open-neck, smart-casual hunting fatigues for a short announcement in front of the Gasprom Flame of Eternal Reward.  

Sig Berlusconi appeared in a chiffon nightie with love-bites on his neck and fresh welts on his thighs on the front doorstep of one of his regular 'nieces'.  

Sig Berlusconi - a stock photo showing some indiscretion behind the podium

Together they confirmed what scientists, climatologists and even the bears in the woods have been reporting for years; the world is experiencing global climate change, the likes of which has not been seen since the days when you could walk from England to France.

Parts of the globe which have been deep frozen for decades are warming for the first time; news agencies are reporting unusual signs of life.  This includes the first attempts in recent memory to reciprocate communication by the KimJongUns. These highly reclusive inhabitants of the northern Korean peninsular normally hibernate for countless years on end, huddled for warmth around their uranium enrichment facilities hidden deep in the dark caves under the mountains.   

South Korea hosts the new, slimmer face of North Korea;
Kim YoJong, Director of NK's Propoganda & Agitation Dept 
and more importantly, the youngest sister of NK leader Kim JongUn 

http://www.businessinsider.com/south-korea-message-to-us-kim-jong-un-nuclear-talks-2018-3

A delegation of South Korean negotiators immediately flew from Seoul to Washington to report the previously unlikely thawing of relations with North Korea. They brought with them an 'unconventional message' from Kim JongUn addressed to 'US President Dennis Rodman'.  

Whitehouse medics had to treat several South Korean negotiators for dislocated shoulders after they apparently patted themselves on the back a little too hard following the success of their epiphanous decision to 'initiate dialogue' with North Korea; a concept previously dismissed as 'dangerous' by more conservative South Korean governments.  This dialogue was just the latest warming event in a chain reaction beginning with South Korea postponing its winter military drills with the US. This led to the North's cessation of test missiles launched into the Pacific. In turn North Korea accepted an invitation to participate in South Korea's Winter Olympics; notably the 'Icy Hard Stare' and 'Synchronised Scowling' events, at which they won gold, silver and bronze.

Vice Pres. Mike Pence and wife Karen make a solid synchronised effort at the classic 'Over my dead body' scowl.
Ultimately a more engaging 'Come on, impress me' scowl by NK's Kim YoJong (rear, left) won over the judges in the Synchronised Scowling Event (Humourless Diplomat Class)

Just weeks later North Korea's Fat Controller urgently brushed the dust off 'Thomas', his father's favourite tank engine, setting the wheels in motion for his first trip abroad since taking power in 2011.  

Rasberry ripple and lemon sorbet : firm favourites with Kim JongUn since childhood 

Where better to go than China for an even faster warming of relations between Super-Supreme Leader Kim and Emperor Xi as the two leaders celebrated Mr Xi's recently elevated status.

http://www.scmp.com/news/china/diplomacy-defence/article/2139342/chinese-president-xi-jinping-north-korean-leader-kim

While the far east reveled in totally unprecedented warming, the west has conversely been plunged into the sharpest cooling of relations in modern memory. Rhetoric was already frosty, even by European standards, after Britain formally declared 'Brexit' - an intention to take all their toys from the playground and to go home to play with themselves.  


After months of deteriorating speculation about a speculative deterioration of relations, most observers thought things could not get any worse than Britain's David Davies. 

Then a secret nerve agent was used on unwitting victims in sleepy Salisbury.  This became the unlikely catalyst for a sudden show of strength and unity as Europe stopped bickering for a few moments and were joined by the US for The Great Russian Freeze-out.  

Russian attachés were sent packing from all countries in time for Easter.  Russia immediately warned of retaliation; the expulsion of an equal number of foreign officials from Russia. Inevitably one lone squatter tweeted jubilantly from the Whitehouse; 
"Russia can't expel any of MY attachés because I didn't appoint any yet ! Losers !" 

Putin on the charm, with Emperor Xi

Tzar Putin was later heard joking with friends; 
"Comrades: he wails with the petulant insecurity of an unloved child - the free world finally has the leader it deserves. 

"But, to business; Beijing, next week, Emperor Xi invites me for a detailed inspection of his troops to celebrate our respective election victories. There will be many female comrades wearing automatic weapons and uniforms pressed with so much starch their skirts will crack like gunfire when they sit down. He will showcase China's latest range of assault tanks which are now available in a stunning range of day-glo colours with air conditioning and martini shakers fitted as standard. Sadly, none of you are invited. Laters comrades. Don't call me, I'll call you."

Meanwhile leaders of less-developed nations seem much less confident about managing the unpredictable swings predicted in the global climate. President Nana Akufo Addo of Ghana gave an example;

Flooding: not funny

"Last year we had 3 months of torrential rain; more rain than normally falls in 3 years. River levels rose 10m above normal height, sweeping away roads and bridges completely. Water burst the river banks in many areas, flooding into our homes. Crocodiles swam freely onto the balcony of my mother's 4th floor apartment ! My goodness, it was definitely not funny ! 

"Our brave but ill-equipped emergency services were completely overwhelmed of course. When the water level finally dropped, we saw proof - incontrovertible proof - of God's unique sense of humour.  Can you imagine how difficult it was to get a 5 ton hippo out of the topmost branches of a mahogany tree ?  It is not easily done I tell you ! The animal was very, very distressed and not even a little bit grateful. It was not worth the effort.  If it happens again, we will simply shoot the bugger up there in the branches and then chop down the tree.  We will send the villagers home with a heaven-sent BBQ of firewood and hippo-steaks.  You can take my word for it."

Back stateside an exceptionally strong storm named 'Daniels', the likes of which has never been seen before, continues to be fueled by huge amounts of hot air spewed by a disingenuous, mystery Whitehouse resident named 'David Dennison'.

https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/the-fix/wp/2018/03/07/the-7-most-interesting-parts-of-stormy-danielss-lawsuit-against-trump/?utm_term=.77574631ea4c

60 minutes ?  Daniels didn't even need 6

Rather than ignoring the storm so it quietly blows itself out, lawyers for Mr Dennison continue to deny DD was ever in the eye of the storm or indeed that DD even tried to make the storm go away. This despite DD's well documented, regular bragging about his prolific success at chasing and riding out many other storms in the past. 

Claims of proof that Dennison
shared a bed with Daniels

Denials only served to whip storm Daniels into a greater frenzy, boosting public interest, speculation and intense media coverage. 

After '60 Minutes' aired an extended weather forecast to examine the storm in detail, most observers thought the storm would change course to distance itself from further controversy. However this now seems unlikely given this week's relentless new bursts of hot air from lawyers of Mr Dennison.

Last but not least, a Vatican spokesman also confirmed that climate change is a sin against the Creation, against the Natural World and as such is no less than a sin against God himself.

Pope Francis sporting the Vatican's own design; 
an Earth Wind Water and Fire Elemental Energy Collector neck ruffle, 
proudly not based on works by either Copernicus or Galileo.

"Let me be clear," a spokesman explained, "The church is very much aware of our duty to preserve the Earth as the greatest of God's gifts to man. We are proud of our great strides in reducing carbon emissions, starting in the middle ages, no less. We were the first to stop burning witches as early as the mid 1600's while other churches irresponsibly continued for at least another century. Ours is an enlightened, loving, all inclusive church and as such we rapidly embraced the transition to drowning, hanging and beheading as environmentally friendly - and let's not forget merciful - solutions for exorcising Satan from the possessed, demonic women and children living in our communities. By the way, perhaps you are interested in our exciting training program to prepare squads of new exorcists for global assignment ? You get to keep your frequent flier miles."

https://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/2018/03/30/exorcism-training-course-put-vatican-demand-rises/

“This is 2018 folks, it is no longer the Middle Ages.
Self-taught exorcists no longer cut the mustard; we're hiring apprentices”

  

The Importance of Being ... well ... Important

Maybe it is the speed of modern life, or how complex we've made it, or how much of it we choose to ignore, which causes us to overlook many of the forces which secretly shape our existence. One of these unseen forces is undoubtedly queuing.  For sure we all have our own cynical observations about queues; 

• Your queue always moves the slowest ...

Until you change queues, then;

•  the queue you left will move faster than the one you moved to

• Whichever queue you join, no matter how short it looks, it will always take the longest for you to get served

• an Englishman, even if he is alone, forms an orderly queue of one

• etc, etc

The Full Monty : The Art of Queuing
perfected by the British in 1997

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H4wuH9pSSRo

Of course not all queues are the same and some are certainly more equal than others. There are several different types of queue depending on how the tasks are processed;

• process first in, first out
  eg; the line for casting your vote to elect a new president
• process the most important task first
  eg; which national leader to phone, un-nerve and gloat with after winning the nomination as president-elect

• process the most simple task first
  eg; explaining to a septuagenarian president with no political experience how a new administration is actually staffed
• process the shortest task first
  eg; appoint friends and relatives to key staff positions in said administration, thereby skipping any tedious selection procedures
• process last in, first out
  eg; choosing which order to repeal the legislation of the previous administration

• process the most urgent task first
  eg; sue any media describing golden showers in Russia

" 'Not nice !'  Let me say it again for you folks; that is 'NOT NICE' "

Many years ago a friend confided that to get the best seat at a good restaurant in Russia, one did not to book in advance, negotiate with the Maitre d' or wait for the desired table to become available.  One simply invited one's bodyguard to come along for dinner. Said bodyguard would casually walk over to the desired table, discretely open his jacket to reveal the 9mm semi-automatic dangling under his armpit.  The diners would readily stop eating and vacate the table, very quickly and above all, very politely.  It worked like a treat every time.  

In Korea queuing is at best 'experimental' and at worst merely a question of one's own self-importance. In other words, if you can convince yourself that your need (or your task) is more urgent than the others who are also waiting then you don't need to wait with them  - you can just prioritise yourself.

Most foreigners notice that something is wrong when first observing the permanently busy city streets.  Traffic protocols are modeled on the American drive-on-the-right system, including the option to turn right on a red signal if there is no traffic crossing the junction from the left. Of course important people such as those driving expensive imports, SUVs or chauffer driven company cars may exercise their own discretion as to what is 'right'. If they feel important enough and so inclined they may include what less important observers would normally consider as 'left' as also 'right' and so turn left on red, paying no attention to the rights of way of pedestrians sent scattering on crossings or the oncoming traffic, which may consequently have a little fender bender. This unenlightened behaviour is all the more remarkable, occurring as it does in a country which remains so steeped in traditional Confucian ideas about consideration for others.   

Unless you drive an important looking car

Meanwhile down in the subway queuing takes a comically surreal twist when combined with a little fevered competition. If you stand behind someone leaving enough clear space for someone else to insert a flat hand, then that hand will be followed by the attached arm, shoulder and torso, displacing you one row backwards before you've even had a chance to look up. The only guard against this is to achieve and maintain an indecent proximity to the person in front and to wear lots of padded clothing just in case this becomes more fun than it should.

A restless jostling for position heightens each time the train pulls into a station. Elbows are flexed in anticipation of the doors swishing open; then they're off. Try imagining an egg-and-spoon race combined with a sack race, this is a fair approximation. Holding their smartphones (iphones for boys, Galaxies for girls), in one hand, holding their skirts down with the other, shuffling at high speed but in half steps to maintain tight formation, the crowd resembles penguins tootling along a glacier anxious to plop off into the sea.

When the genetics for queuing were being distributed around Asia, the Koreans (amongst others) were clearly sulking in a corner and having none of it. Today's solution is of course technical, coming in the form of a little machine which offers you a number and invites you to wait until yours is called. They're in every bank, hospital, cinema and soon to be introduced at hot-dog stands I shouldn't wonder. However one demographic remains so important that tickets remain beneath them. These are not people of wealth, power or religion, these are simply old-timers. When you have seniority you don't need a foreign SUV to turn left on red and you definitely don't need a numbered ticket to help you queue. You just walk straight up to the powerless jobsworth at his desk and command whatever you want. And the cowering wretch will happily stop everything, instantly and do whatever they are told without question.

It is reassuring to know that such brash bluster could never occur in other countries especially those which have elected their oldest ever leader who in turn has appointed the oldest ever administration.

Donald Trump on John McCain,
"He’s not a war hero. 
He’s a war hero because he was captured. 
I like people that weren’t captured." 
 (Trump himself dodged the draft to avoid the Vietnam War)