Climate Change Confirmed - politicians, scientists, church agree

This morning, in a rare, coordinated media blitz, leaders from every corner of the globe sensationally announced they were now ready to announce something totally sensational.  

No 10 wears Stella McCartney house slippers

Britain's woefully Sub-Prime Minister appeared predictably for the cameras in signature leopard print house slippers to give a statement outside No 10.  


Meanwhile Mr Putin, looking relaxed after an effortless election victory, sported open-neck, smart-casual hunting fatigues for a short announcement in front of the Gasprom Flame of Eternal Reward.  

Sig Berlusconi appeared in a chiffon nightie with love-bites on his neck and fresh welts on his thighs on the front doorstep of one of his regular 'nieces'.  

Sig Berlusconi - a stock photo showing some indiscretion behind the podium

Together they confirmed what scientists, climatologists and even the bears in the woods have been reporting for years; the world is experiencing global climate change, the likes of which has not been seen since the days when you could walk from England to France.

Parts of the globe which have been deep frozen for decades are warming for the first time; news agencies are reporting unusual signs of life.  This includes the first attempts in recent memory to reciprocate communication by the KimJongUns. These highly reclusive inhabitants of the northern Korean peninsular normally hibernate for countless years on end, huddled for warmth around their uranium enrichment facilities hidden deep in the dark caves under the mountains.   

South Korea hosts the new, slimmer face of North Korea;
Kim YoJong, Director of NK's Propoganda & Agitation Dept 
and more importantly, the youngest sister of NK leader Kim JongUn 

http://www.businessinsider.com/south-korea-message-to-us-kim-jong-un-nuclear-talks-2018-3

A delegation of South Korean negotiators immediately flew from Seoul to Washington to report the previously unlikely thawing of relations with North Korea. They brought with them an 'unconventional message' from Kim JongUn addressed to 'US President Dennis Rodman'.  

Whitehouse medics had to treat several South Korean negotiators for dislocated shoulders after they apparently patted themselves on the back a little too hard following the success of their epiphanous decision to 'initiate dialogue' with North Korea; a concept previously dismissed as 'dangerous' by more conservative South Korean governments.  This dialogue was just the latest warming event in a chain reaction beginning with South Korea postponing its winter military drills with the US. This led to the North's cessation of test missiles launched into the Pacific. In turn North Korea accepted an invitation to participate in South Korea's Winter Olympics; notably the 'Icy Hard Stare' and 'Synchronised Scowling' events, at which they won gold, silver and bronze.

Vice Pres. Mike Pence and wife Karen make a solid synchronised effort at the classic 'Over my dead body' scowl.
Ultimately a more engaging 'Come on, impress me' scowl by NK's Kim YoJong (rear, left) won over the judges in the Synchronised Scowling Event (Humourless Diplomat Class)

Just weeks later North Korea's Fat Controller urgently brushed the dust off 'Thomas', his father's favourite tank engine, setting the wheels in motion for his first trip abroad since taking power in 2011.  

Rasberry ripple and lemon sorbet : firm favourites with Kim JongUn since childhood 

Where better to go than China for an even faster warming of relations between Super-Supreme Leader Kim and Emperor Xi as the two leaders celebrated Mr Xi's recently elevated status.

http://www.scmp.com/news/china/diplomacy-defence/article/2139342/chinese-president-xi-jinping-north-korean-leader-kim

While the far east reveled in totally unprecedented warming, the west has conversely been plunged into the sharpest cooling of relations in modern memory. Rhetoric was already frosty, even by European standards, after Britain formally declared 'Brexit' - an intention to take all their toys from the playground and to go home to play with themselves.  


After months of deteriorating speculation about a speculative deterioration of relations, most observers thought things could not get any worse than Britain's David Davies. 

Then a secret nerve agent was used on unwitting victims in sleepy Salisbury.  This became the unlikely catalyst for a sudden show of strength and unity as Europe stopped bickering for a few moments and were joined by the US for The Great Russian Freeze-out.  

Russian attachés were sent packing from all countries in time for Easter.  Russia immediately warned of retaliation; the expulsion of an equal number of foreign officials from Russia. Inevitably one lone squatter tweeted jubilantly from the Whitehouse; 
"Russia can't expel any of MY attachés because I didn't appoint any yet ! Losers !" 

Putin on the charm, with Emperor Xi

Tzar Putin was later heard joking with friends; 
"Comrades: he wails with the petulant insecurity of an unloved child - the free world finally has the leader it deserves. 

"But, to business; Beijing, next week, Emperor Xi invites me for a detailed inspection of his troops to celebrate our respective election victories. There will be many female comrades wearing automatic weapons and uniforms pressed with so much starch their skirts will crack like gunfire when they sit down. He will showcase China's latest range of assault tanks which are now available in a stunning range of day-glo colours with air conditioning and martini shakers fitted as standard. Sadly, none of you are invited. Laters comrades. Don't call me, I'll call you."

Meanwhile leaders of less-developed nations seem much less confident about managing the unpredictable swings predicted in the global climate. President Nana Akufo Addo of Ghana gave an example;

Flooding: not funny

"Last year we had 3 months of torrential rain; more rain than normally falls in 3 years. River levels rose 10m above normal height, sweeping away roads and bridges completely. Water burst the river banks in many areas, flooding into our homes. Crocodiles swam freely onto the balcony of my mother's 4th floor apartment ! My goodness, it was definitely not funny ! 

"Our brave but ill-equipped emergency services were completely overwhelmed of course. When the water level finally dropped, we saw proof - incontrovertible proof - of God's unique sense of humour.  Can you imagine how difficult it was to get a 5 ton hippo out of the topmost branches of a mahogany tree ?  It is not easily done I tell you ! The animal was very, very distressed and not even a little bit grateful. It was not worth the effort.  If it happens again, we will simply shoot the bugger up there in the branches and then chop down the tree.  We will send the villagers home with a heaven-sent BBQ of firewood and hippo-steaks.  You can take my word for it."

Back stateside an exceptionally strong storm named 'Daniels', the likes of which has never been seen before, continues to be fueled by huge amounts of hot air spewed by a disingenuous, mystery Whitehouse resident named 'David Dennison'.

https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/the-fix/wp/2018/03/07/the-7-most-interesting-parts-of-stormy-danielss-lawsuit-against-trump/?utm_term=.77574631ea4c

60 minutes ?  Daniels didn't even need 6

Rather than ignoring the storm so it quietly blows itself out, lawyers for Mr Dennison continue to deny DD was ever in the eye of the storm or indeed that DD even tried to make the storm go away. This despite DD's well documented, regular bragging about his prolific success at chasing and riding out many other storms in the past. 

Claims of proof that Dennison
shared a bed with Daniels

Denials only served to whip storm Daniels into a greater frenzy, boosting public interest, speculation and intense media coverage. 

After '60 Minutes' aired an extended weather forecast to examine the storm in detail, most observers thought the storm would change course to distance itself from further controversy. However this now seems unlikely given this week's relentless new bursts of hot air from lawyers of Mr Dennison.

Last but not least, a Vatican spokesman also confirmed that climate change is a sin against the Creation, against the Natural World and as such is no less than a sin against God himself.

Pope Francis sporting the Vatican's own design; 
an Earth Wind Water and Fire Elemental Energy Collector neck ruffle, 
proudly not based on works by either Copernicus or Galileo.

"Let me be clear," a spokesman explained, "The church is very much aware of our duty to preserve the Earth as the greatest of God's gifts to man. We are proud of our great strides in reducing carbon emissions, starting in the middle ages, no less. We were the first to stop burning witches as early as the mid 1600's while other churches irresponsibly continued for at least another century. Ours is an enlightened, loving, all inclusive church and as such we rapidly embraced the transition to drowning, hanging and beheading as environmentally friendly - and let's not forget merciful - solutions for exorcising Satan from the possessed, demonic women and children living in our communities. By the way, perhaps you are interested in our exciting training program to prepare squads of new exorcists for global assignment ? You get to keep your frequent flier miles."

https://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/2018/03/30/exorcism-training-course-put-vatican-demand-rises/

“This is 2018 folks, it is no longer the Middle Ages.
Self-taught exorcists no longer cut the mustard; we're hiring apprentices”

  

Newsflash #2: Rodman slams North Korea Nuke Test 'Lies'

Cruising through the crowd at a dizzying 6' 7" (2.01m), the NBA's Good-Boy-Gone-Rotten Rodman normally never needs to actually do anything controversial to get noticed. After all, the spotlight naturally follows him everywhere he goes; whether he's alone, sporting dyed hair, tattoos and facial piercings or with partners bathing in his flamboyant mix of celebrity and notoriety - Madonna and Carmen Electra to name just a few.  However today Rodman eclipsed all previous scurrilous stunts combined by claiming that not only was the media wrong about North Korea's secretive nuclear weapons tests, but that Rodman even blames himself for the entire international crisis.

Rodman sending mixed messages - which until now defy decryption

Rodman 6'7" and Electra 5'3" : "How's the weather up there tonight Dinkums ?" 

Cynics claim that since 2013, Rodman's unsanctioned, self-styled, booze and basketball-fueled train-wreck diplomacy has almost come off the rails during several high-profile visits to the one of the world's most oppressive regimes.  Rodman himself maintains that North Korea's diminutive Kim Jong-Un (5'1") is largely misunderstood, unfairly demonised and is simply doing a difficult job in hard times.  However even those who subscribe to Rodman's rose-tinted views found this week's claims more than a little unlikely. Rodman insisted that September's sensational media reports of NK's fifth nuclear test were wildly inaccurate and instead offered a seemingly innocent explanation.  

"I count Kim as my good friend for life; he's cool and like, I can read the man." explained Rodman, "Sure, back in 2013 I made some mistakes and accidentally shat on his mat a little.  How did I know that confirming our kinship by referring to Kim as my 'brother from another mother' could be taken so seriously ? Seems it was nothing short of heresy to imply that I was an offspring of the Kim dynasty. I mean like, as if, huh ? Anyway, it took a while but we got past that and now Kim and I have been in a good place since then."

Rodman explained that a dramatic 'near miss' during a recent visit gave some warning of the inevitable fall-out to come. "We spent much of the last basketball tour going through some like new techniques, sharing our best moves and stuff. The Koreans were really like getting into it. We also took quite a lot of quality time out deep underground in Kim's very own big-ass mancave. He's got like a lot of stuff fitted out down there but see, it's so deep underground and what with the rocks 'n' stuff, you just can't get no decent tv reception.  I mean back in the day you were happy to like twiddle around with a coat hanger thing to watch Star Trek on some black and white portable stuff but today it's gotta be like super HD or it ain't worth watching, am I right ? "

"So we had no choice; we broke out some of the new smartphones that we'd brought with us and uplinked into Kim's mancave wi-fi. It has got to be the world's coolest hangout; chillin' with the team streaming South Korean K-Pop down into like Kim's own crib. It was a real cool party; endless food, open bar, huge hot tub, karaoke in the sauna, stern-looking chicks wearing starched uniforms while toting guns an' ammo; I mean, what's not to like, huh ?  I'd go back there tomorrow." 

South Korea's party girls - no respectable North Korean mancave is complete without K-Pop

North Korea's party girls - no respectable party leader is complete without armed ballerinas

"And that's when it happened the first time," continued Rodman, "We left Kim's crib to return to the surface to warm up for the day's exhibition match.  We rode the elevator for like hundreds of metres back up to the sports hall and had just started our routine when there was like a massive blast from below.  The elevator doors were blown right out and there was smoke and rock dust and stuff everywhere, you know; it really wasn't cool. Of course the army piled in followed by people in biohazard suits, it was pretty chaotic for a while there and I already had some bad feeling that we were going to be held somehow responsible. However Kim's guys got the situation pretty much under control quite quickly and identified the cause of the blast."

"See, it's known all across Korea that the flaming hot kimchi stuff that they eat everyday is more or less like weapons grade material when stored in large quantities. Pound for pound it's proven to pack an explosive yield ten times higher than uranium or plutonium, which is why every Korean always stores kimchi at very low temperatures in fridges at home. Now see, at room temperature kimchi has to be handled in small quantities, which is why it's always served in those small side dishes at the table. Well anyways Kim's guys told us that one of the new smartphones that we'd left in his crib had set up some kinda 'electro-magnetic resonance' with the entire contents of Kim's massive personal kimchi coldstore. Within just a few minutes the phone, acting like a detonator, had started a chain reaction in the kimchi which then went super critical and blew the whole place sky high like a Bond movie. I mean, I apologised to Kim right there and then in front of everyone. After all we wrecked his crib outright; his manspace was violated, I felt bad for the man. But you know, like I keep telling everyone, Kim is cool, he saw it for what it was, an honest mistake. But this just shows that you gotta handle kimchi with the utmost respect and you gotta be even more careful with that new bad-ass Galaxy Note 007. There's simply no tellin' what those things are capable of."

License to kill: The Galaxy Note 007 -Now standard issue to all agents on Her Majesty's Secret Service and all reputable intelligence services worldwide

When failure is not an option, nobody does it better.
The Galaxy Note 007 - the ultimate 'fireball in your pocket' for discerning agents everywhere.