Polite Society

Many years ago I was casually breezing through the cool airconditioned comfort of a shiny new shopping mall, taking shelter from the punishing midday heat outside. My aimless wandering came to a breathless halt by the front window of a Guess fashion store. This was filled with a towering photo in which Laetitia Casta sultrily modeled the latest range of barely-there swimwear in palpitating high definition. By any measure, it was a stunning photo. The partner on my arm was equally impressed, exclaiming enviously;
"I want THAT body", to which I absent-mindedly and evidently too-longingly replied;
"Oh yeah ... me too !".

I learned very quickly, that this was not only impolite, it was perhaps the Hiroshima of all faux-pas.

Guess who ?
Some mistakes you only make once in life. 

Seasoned globetrotters soon learn that politeness is as much about expectation as it is about good behavior. What passes for basic manners in one country may not be given a moment's thought in others.  Everyday examples such as holding the door for the person behind you, covering your mouth when sneezing or indeed closing your mouth while eating so your rapacious chomping cannot be heard on the next table are not universal standards which are observed in every country. 

An old incident on the Seoul subway illustrates how confusing this can become when additional factors such as seniority and foreign status are added to the mix. One day a dashing young playboy from Perth was offered a seat on the subway by a frail old Korean gent. The veteran was at least twice the age of the playboy but was eager to demonstrate Korean politeness to foreigners. The playboy politely declined the seat; after all how could he indispose the generous older gent ? The gent offered again, the playboy declined again. By this stage the rebuff of the senior's kindness in front of his countrymen was becoming more impolite than a youth taking the seat of an old man - a subtle point lost on the foreigner. With a lightning-fast martial arts manoeuvre, the wizened old man recovered the situation by grasping the Aussie's wrist and spinning him round into the seat, then bowing deeply, smiling serenely and thanking the Aussie for accepting the seat. Korean politeness was demonstrated and the veteran's honour was preserved for everyone to see.

Handshaking
Back in 2013 Bill Gates was rightly or wrongly lambasted in the Korean media for not knowing how to shake hands correctly with the President of Korea

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/technology/bill-gates/10011847/Bill-Gates-disrespects-South-Korean-president-with-casual-handshake.html

President Guen-Hye Park meets Bill Gates
Handshaking in Korea is done with both hands and certainly NEVER with one hand in the pocket

Handshaking: how it should be done

Bowing
Naturally there are several degrees of bowing, depending on the circumstances.

Bowing Basics

Here is a light-hearted explanation on which to do and when:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jJLrEzpzpYA



Apologising
Of course bowing reaches its apogee in The Apology, for example when 3 banks fail to prevent the theft of bank account numbers, addresses, phone numbers, passport numbers, and credit ratings of approximately 20 million customers (just under half the population), including public figures and celebrities, then nothing short of deep and protracted bowing is required.

January 2014:
CEOs of 3 national banks apologise and resign over thefts of credit card details

http://www.businesskorea.co.kr/english/news/money/3007-information-insecurity-public-apology-en-masse-resignations-korean-bank-ceos


So if there is such a thing as a standard for politeness then for those forms of politeness which are observed in Korea, then Koreans certainly achieve the gold standard. Don't despair if you hold the door open for the person behind you but they never hold it in turn for the person behind them. Quite simply this protocol is not recognised as good manners. 

However when somebody gives you something in Korea, they will always pass it to you with both hands, to show politeness, not one hand which is rude.  When your glass is empty, it will always be filled by the person next to you before you even ask.  You will never have to fill your glass yourself.  

PSY and Snoop Dogg in the video promo to 'Hangover'
PSY refills SD's glass for him, with left hand covering the chest in formal respect 

  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HkMNOlYcpHg

"The future is bright, the future is Orange"

Out and about in ..... Madrid

As November draws to a close in Seoul, daylight fizzles out about 2 minutes faster each day, the sun struggles to climb a mere 36' into the sky at noon and overnight temperatures start to slide below zero. 

Mapo Bridge: icy cold and empty of the usual crowds as the sun struggles to cross the sky

It is a solemn reminder that the short-lived relief after the Dog Days of Summer (previous post) are about to give way to three months of bitterly cold, dry winds from Siberian high pressure systems which will drive temperatures close to -20'C by late January. 

Long cold nights as Siberian high pressure systems sweep the clouds from the sky

Thoughts quite forgivably turn to escaping somewhere else; ideally a place where autumn and winter can be enjoyed rather than endured; a place steeped in empire, royalty and style. It's the time when thoughts turn to Madrid.

One of Madrid's many appeals is that winter can be enjoyed as much as any other part of the year.  Although admittedly a tad cooler than other parts of Spain, residents have no need to emulate Seoul's frenzied annual ritual, ie; the mad rush to the malls to part with $1,000 for a new eider-filled overcoat in this year's neon winter colours. Madrid residents simply put on a scarf, exchange their shoes for boots and pretty much carry on as they did during the spring, summer and autumn. 

Autumn in Madrid - just add a scarf and carry on

In November long lunches and intimate candlelit dinners can still be comfortably taken al fresco in Madrid's countless vias and plazas. In most places a glass of Rioja which is large enough to swim laps in will usually only cost about €2.50. Alternatively a paella which is too large for two people to finish costs a modest €15. 

 

Al fresco evenings - for light showers, just find an umbrella

Meanwhile the mild weather allows pub crawlers, bar hoppers and club cruisers to continue way past midnight and into the small hours wearing small dresses and open shirts much the same as if the summer never ended. Basically, there really is no need to stay indoors, so everyone goes out, everywhere, all the time.

Winter in Madrid; as if the summer never ended

Spain prospered quite well under the Roman Empire but was rudely awakened in August 711 when Moorish tourists crossed from Africa to Spain and decided to make themselves at home. On reflection, any August in the Middle Ages would have been ideal to occupy Spain unnoticed since most of the population would have closed shop and gone to the beach.  The few remaining at home would doubtless have been transfixed by a friendly between Athletico Pathetico and Surreal Madrid or were otherwise sleeping off luxuriously long boozy lunches. Within only 7 years the tourists had taken over the country entirely.  This embarrassing national faux pas gave rise to Spain's most important maxim regarding siestas:  "Four hours, no more, 'cause any Moor is too many".

Siestas: any time, any place, anywhere

The true value of a siesta (and exactly what occurs during 3.5 hours of the working day) is still a matter of intense speculation:

http://www.thepoke.co.uk/2012/08/30/spanish-admits-siesta-is-basically-just-a-wank/

http://www.bbc.com/news/magazine-35995972


The founding of Madrid as a capital city came relatively late in Spain's history. There remains some debate whether Europe's busiest King; Charles of the Hapsburg Netherlands from 1506, then also Charles I of the Spanish Empire from 1516 and finally additionally Charles V Holy Roman Emperor from 1519, actually quipped;

"I speak Spanish to God

Italian to women

French to men and 

German to my horse"

However there is no doubt that it was Charles who decided to move the Spanish capital from Valladolid to Madrid. 

The city had originally been founded as 'Mayrit' by the Emir Muhammad I of Cordoba in the late 800s. He built a walled citadel around the site with a modest fortress overlooking the River Manzanares to repel any attempt to take Toledo by water. By 1492 Christian forces had driven the last of the Moors from Spain, Columbus had discovered the New World and the modest fortress had been gradually enlarged into the 'Royal Alcazar'. In 1561 Charles' son Philip II finally installed the Spanish court in Madrid for the first time and then set about converting the Royal Alcazar into a royal palace.       

Although Philip II sat at the pinnacle of the greatest empire the world had ever seen, history records him as a modest and pious chap, often praying in seclusion for up to 8 hours per day. Meanwhile the most unholy, uncharitable and undeserved wrath was being meted out at the pointy end of a sword by the successors of the explorers Cortes, Pizarro and Magellan. All this, of course, in the name of god or in the case of the Philippines, in the name of Philip personally.

1520: Hernán Cortés victorious in Mexico

1530: Francisco Pizzaro victorious in Peru

1521: Magellan killed by Chief Lapu lapu on a beach in the Philippines -
a mistake repeated by Captain James Cook some 250 years later in Hawaii 

Sadly nothing remains today of the Royal Alcazar of Madrid and the royal palace which Philip II transformed it into since all was lost in the last of a series of fires on Christmas Eve in 1734. However the same site was used to build the current Palacio Real; the official residence of the Spanish royal family today.

Palacio Real de Madrid: a royal residence with a splash of Bernini

Palacio Real de Madrid: the palace gardens are ideal for intimate conversation during the daytime or an imtimate fumble after dark

Perhaps the greatest testament to Philip's combined royalty and piety lies 45km outside Madrid; the royal palace and monastery of El Escorial in San Lorenzo.  Work started in 1563 and lasted 21 years, during which Philip could actually see the construction on a clear day from his Royal Palace in Madrid. 

El Escorial; royal palace, monastery, library, museum, university and necropolis
nestled in the quiet mountain air overlooking Madrid

  

El Escorial; gold from the New Word financed unlimited spending

Since completion, El Escorial became the final resting place of the Bourbon and Hapsburg kings from Charles V onwards.  Their remains are held in a breathtaking suite of sepulchers arranged in an octagonal vault lined in gold and marble under the centre of the monastery. Certainly if any king wanted to talk to God, in Spanish or in any other language, then this would be the kind of place where God would be more than happy to sit and listen.

El Escorial: the gilted and marbled Pantheon of the Kings
- the final resting place of kings since Charles V onwards

In conclusion; anyone who has not yet been to Madrid will find it is not only the perfect escape any time of the year but also a place that they will look forward to escaping to again and again and again.

Desigual: Spanish for style, fashion and fun

Soaps and the Soon-Sil Choi scandal

Those who can peer back through the fog to 1977 may remember 007's first Lotus springing a leak underwater ?  If not then maybe the first re-appearance of flared trousers since the heady days of Woodstock ? Or perhaps the rash of ill-judged but mercifully short-lived moustaches which suddenly appeared on many of our famous film stars (the men mostly) ? And flipping the bird to the decade's insatiable appetite for dismal soaps came an irreverent US parody running for only 4 seasons. Called simply 'Soap', this took the almost obligatory premise of two feuding families (the Tates and the Campbells) and threw them headlong into the most infeasible weekly scenarios with not even a cursory reality check to rein in the nonsense. It's goal was to become the soap to end all soaps, with storylines which simply could not be surpassed, even by the most chemically enhanced writers.  

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nyeNd2HS0RY

[Sisters Jessica and Mary thumbing through a photo album]

Jessica Gatling Tate: Look, Mary.

Mary Gatling Dallas Campbell: Randolph.

Jessica Gatling Tate: That's right. Our brother. Our brother who fathered an illegitimate child with a Swedish maid and then disappeared into the wilds of Ecuador. Don't you find that a little peculiar?

Mary Gatling Dallas Campbell: Jessie, Randolph was peculiar. Any man who would go to Ecuador to sell wall-to-wall carpet is not all there.

40 years later on the Far Side of the Pacific Ocean, South Korea has mashed the wildest plots of regular soaps with almost every other genre of fiction to create hybrid-fantasy-super-soaps. Well worn themes of mortal enemies becoming lovers, rags to riches, princes and paupers, cinderellas or cinderfellas, surprise siblings, conniving concubines, etc, etc have been augmented by inexplicable identity losses or amnesia, time travel, falling in love with aliens, transgender romances and even a few bromances. 

One would imagine that this heady cocktail of Extreme Soap would render the nation immune to anything that real life could actually have to offer. However in a little over 10 days, starting late this October, the entire nation has imploded in a total frenzy over allegations of a relatively down-to-earth, real life cronyism scandal centred on the incumbent President (Ms) Guen-Hye Park  and the alleged inappropriate influences claimed to be exerted over her by her life-long confidante Ms Soon-Sil Choi  and indeed the whole Choi family. 

http://www.koreaherald.com/view.php?ud=20161104000723

Nov 4th 2016: Penitence; President Guen-Hye Park's 2nd apology to the nation in 10 days. 

As a person with no official role in govt or politics, Ms Choi allegedly;

• controlled organisations in Korea and Germany into which conglomerates (all the usual household names) were coerced to donate millions of dollars
• reviewed govt speeches as they were drafted
• bypassed govt security, having unfettered access to govt buildings and staff
• had access to govt documents relating to national security and foreign affairs
• influenced the appointment of senior govt officials
• etc, etc

Further allegations sensationally claim that Ms Choi's daughter, Ms Yoo-Ra Chung ;

• was unfairly admitted to the country's most prestigious women's university
• university officials favourably graded Ms Choi's daughter despite poor attendance and submitting substandard assignments 

https://www.koreatimes.co.kr/www/news/nation/2016/10/116_217190.html

Ms Chung undoubtedly gained few friends by issuing a poorly judged comment on social media as follows;
"If you are not rich, blame your parents.  Money is competency".

http://www.koreatimes.co.kr/www/common/vpage-pt.asp?categorycode=116&newsidx=217391

A humiliating retraction may be in order if the parental 'competency' to which Ms Chung refers is shown to be graft and extortion.  Only time will tell.

Handfuls of officials caught up these allegations have been either arrested, are resigning in panic or simply giving themselves up to police on a daily basis to offer all they know and clean themselves of the stigma of the whole affair. 

http://www.koreaherald.com/view.php?ud=20161104000780

http://www.koreaherald.com/view.php?ud=20161106000002

The nation watched bewildered as even the Gangnam Style pop icon Psy was forced to deny ever having met anyone in the Choi family.

http://kpopherald.koreaherald.com/view.php?ud=201611041518018361786_2

Psy: "Oppo Not me Bro"

Evidently no loss of perspective there then !

Media outlets continue to scramble over each other like kittens chasing a laser pointer, speculating on the motivation of witnesses, the validity of confiscated evidence, what govt secrets were on Choi's computer, who will run the country while the President submits to judicial investigation, etc, etc. Meanwhile citizens traveled to Seoul from all over the country to protest at the president's refusal to resign, only to concede to an judicial investigation.

http://www.koreaherald.com/view.php?ud=20161105000099

The truth is that the president's closeness to the Choi's family has been recognised for the best part of 40 years.  In keeping with the best Korean Extreme Soaps there are stories that Choi's father was a shaman cult leader who held a Rasputin-like influence over the president's "body and soul" since she was in her twenties.  There are suggestions of everything short of mind control of the president. In 2007 the US Embassy in Seoul warned the State Department in Washington of the potential risks of the Choi family influence should Park ever come to power.  It is after all the function of the intelligence gathering agencies to distinguish the puppets from the puppeteers in all levels of business, government and religion worldwide.  

http://english.chosun.com/site/data/html_dir/2016/10/28/2016102801342.html

Curiously almost nothing is discussed about the actual timing of these revelations. Countless people 'in the know' have been well aware about this situation for decades, so it is interesting that the truth is finally being revealed to the great unwashed at this particular moment. A keen mind would wonder which events are being quietly completed behind the scenes while the nation engorges itself on these revelations.  Or perhaps; which events are the revelations designed to derail ?  

In all probability, casting aside all the hybrid-fantasy-super-soap elements with which the Koreans like to embellish their daily lives, this scandal most likely boils down to yet another example of simple graft and corruption.  Most of Korea's previous presidents (and many of their family members) were brought down by similar charges in the final years of their presidential terms.  

http://www.koreaherald.com/view.php?ud=20161104000495

Korean prisons are fitted with revolving doors to accommodate the constant flow of conglomerate leaders, govt officials and judiciary who are first jailed for corruption on vast scales or decades-long tax evasion and then miraculously shown clemency, receiving presidential pardons after 'finding God' or expressing deep personal remorse. 

Clearly the Park/Choi allegations implicate the very top of government, but one would be naive to think that the highest echelon of power works any different from all the other levels below. It is well ingrained in the working places of normal people that the wife of a departmental manager can summon the wives of his team to come and pay tribute with gifts or luxury services on the occasion of her birthday or that of her children.  Any wife whose tribute does not find favour with the manager's wife can rapidly precipitate the downfall of the team member in that department.  Against this regular daily background, why should it be surprising that the nation's top conglomerates pay tribute to companies set up on paper by friends of top politicians ? And comparing these two extremes; which is really the greater crime and which should really command the loudest outrage ?  

http://www.koreaexpose.com/voices/choi-soon-sil-gate-sad-political-drama/

Newsflash #2: Rodman slams North Korea Nuke Test 'Lies'

Cruising through the crowd at a dizzying 6' 7" (2.01m), the NBA's Good-Boy-Gone-Rotten Rodman normally never needs to actually do anything controversial to get noticed. After all, the spotlight naturally follows him everywhere he goes; whether he's alone, sporting dyed hair, tattoos and facial piercings or with partners bathing in his flamboyant mix of celebrity and notoriety - Madonna and Carmen Electra to name just a few.  However today Rodman eclipsed all previous scurrilous stunts combined by claiming that not only was the media wrong about North Korea's secretive nuclear weapons tests, but that Rodman even blames himself for the entire international crisis.

Rodman sending mixed messages - which until now defy decryption

Rodman 6'7" and Electra 5'3" : "How's the weather up there tonight Dinkums ?" 

Cynics claim that since 2013, Rodman's unsanctioned, self-styled, booze and basketball-fueled train-wreck diplomacy has almost come off the rails during several high-profile visits to the one of the world's most oppressive regimes.  Rodman himself maintains that North Korea's diminutive Kim Jong-Un (5'1") is largely misunderstood, unfairly demonised and is simply doing a difficult job in hard times.  However even those who subscribe to Rodman's rose-tinted views found this week's claims more than a little unlikely. Rodman insisted that September's sensational media reports of NK's fifth nuclear test were wildly inaccurate and instead offered a seemingly innocent explanation.  

"I count Kim as my good friend for life; he's cool and like, I can read the man." explained Rodman, "Sure, back in 2013 I made some mistakes and accidentally shat on his mat a little.  How did I know that confirming our kinship by referring to Kim as my 'brother from another mother' could be taken so seriously ? Seems it was nothing short of heresy to imply that I was an offspring of the Kim dynasty. I mean like, as if, huh ? Anyway, it took a while but we got past that and now Kim and I have been in a good place since then."

Rodman explained that a dramatic 'near miss' during a recent visit gave some warning of the inevitable fall-out to come. "We spent much of the last basketball tour going through some like new techniques, sharing our best moves and stuff. The Koreans were really like getting into it. We also took quite a lot of quality time out deep underground in Kim's very own big-ass mancave. He's got like a lot of stuff fitted out down there but see, it's so deep underground and what with the rocks 'n' stuff, you just can't get no decent tv reception.  I mean back in the day you were happy to like twiddle around with a coat hanger thing to watch Star Trek on some black and white portable stuff but today it's gotta be like super HD or it ain't worth watching, am I right ? "

"So we had no choice; we broke out some of the new smartphones that we'd brought with us and uplinked into Kim's mancave wi-fi. It has got to be the world's coolest hangout; chillin' with the team streaming South Korean K-Pop down into like Kim's own crib. It was a real cool party; endless food, open bar, huge hot tub, karaoke in the sauna, stern-looking chicks wearing starched uniforms while toting guns an' ammo; I mean, what's not to like, huh ?  I'd go back there tomorrow." 

South Korea's party girls - no respectable North Korean mancave is complete without K-Pop

North Korea's party girls - no respectable party leader is complete without armed ballerinas

"And that's when it happened the first time," continued Rodman, "We left Kim's crib to return to the surface to warm up for the day's exhibition match.  We rode the elevator for like hundreds of metres back up to the sports hall and had just started our routine when there was like a massive blast from below.  The elevator doors were blown right out and there was smoke and rock dust and stuff everywhere, you know; it really wasn't cool. Of course the army piled in followed by people in biohazard suits, it was pretty chaotic for a while there and I already had some bad feeling that we were going to be held somehow responsible. However Kim's guys got the situation pretty much under control quite quickly and identified the cause of the blast."

"See, it's known all across Korea that the flaming hot kimchi stuff that they eat everyday is more or less like weapons grade material when stored in large quantities. Pound for pound it's proven to pack an explosive yield ten times higher than uranium or plutonium, which is why every Korean always stores kimchi at very low temperatures in fridges at home. Now see, at room temperature kimchi has to be handled in small quantities, which is why it's always served in those small side dishes at the table. Well anyways Kim's guys told us that one of the new smartphones that we'd left in his crib had set up some kinda 'electro-magnetic resonance' with the entire contents of Kim's massive personal kimchi coldstore. Within just a few minutes the phone, acting like a detonator, had started a chain reaction in the kimchi which then went super critical and blew the whole place sky high like a Bond movie. I mean, I apologised to Kim right there and then in front of everyone. After all we wrecked his crib outright; his manspace was violated, I felt bad for the man. But you know, like I keep telling everyone, Kim is cool, he saw it for what it was, an honest mistake. But this just shows that you gotta handle kimchi with the utmost respect and you gotta be even more careful with that new bad-ass Galaxy Note 007. There's simply no tellin' what those things are capable of."

License to kill: The Galaxy Note 007 -Now standard issue to all agents on Her Majesty's Secret Service and all reputable intelligence services worldwide

When failure is not an option, nobody does it better.
The Galaxy Note 007 - the ultimate 'fireball in your pocket' for discerning agents everywhere.

Hiking in Korea - the Taoist answer to life, the universe and everything

One subject of traditional Chinese religious paintings is The Vinegar Tasters in which 3 men, representing Confucianism, Buddhism and Taoism together sample the taste of vinegar - a subtle allegory for life, no less.  The Confucian's face shows that he finds the taste unacceptably sour, the Buddhist's that he finds the taste disappointingly bitter while only the Taoist finds the taste agreeable.  

A modern version of the traditional Chinese illustration

The reactions of the Tasters illustrates the differences between the central tenets of Confucianism, Buddhism and Taoism.  Confucians find modern life sour; that is; spoiled, and sadly lacking compared with the higher standards of ancient times, heaven and the universe. They favour strict rules and veneration of ancestors to ensure that modern life exactly follows traditional values. By comparison Buddhists find modern life is full of distracting desires and illusions, the attempted attainment of which leads only to bitter disappointment and suffering. The solution is not to be seduced by the earthly 'world of dust' but to find peace in Nirvana - a state of No Wind. Meanwhile Taoists accept modern life as it is, enjoy it as much as possible and make what they can from it.  In short; when God gives you lemons, you should make lemonade.  

In Korea steep, wooded mountains cover as much as 70% of the country. Under these conditions, South Korea's distinctly Taoist response is to establish national parks all over the country, become a nation of mountain hikers and to get out there as often as possible.  

South Korea: more National Parks than you can shake a stick at.
Each mountain continuously bristles with the world's most fiercely accomplished hikers.

Foreigners are always impressed with the the serious dedication that Koreans commit to everything.  As with cycling, the nation's rival opiate, hiking commands only the very best, professional quality, purpose made equipment. A quick glimpse around any mountain top will quickly sort the wheat from the chaff.

Baegundae Peak (a modest 836m) overlooking north Seoul from Bukhansan National Park

Koreans are easily identified in this season's nature-with-neon themed body-glove attire which is simultaneously waterproof, wind proof, perspiration proof, self deodourising, erogenously stimulating and thermally self-regulating in weather conditions ranging from a broiling Venusian summer to an exceptional storm on Jupiter.  Note the full length sleeves (UV protection), full length length pants (protection from insects and thorns), perspiration-absorbent neck-scarfs, wide brimmed hats, shock-absorbing hiking poles, Everest-tested hiking boots with spare alpaca-fleece socks, NASA standard thermos flasks able to keep your beverage hot in the vacuum of space for 24 hours, 2kW LED flashlights to signal passing ships, airliners or satellites, intercontinental short-wave radios, geo-synchronous distress flares, bottled oxygen, all-weather tactile precision gloves, folding chairs, hammocks, wild boar repellent, thermally insulated ground mats, 127 function Swiss Army knife, tibia-fibia resetting/splinting kit, portable defibrillator, back-up power packs, two week's rations of gourmet fish-roe kimbap with tins of spam and bottles of makoli for back-up. Meanwhile foreigners are readily identifiable by their incongruous combinations of sandals, t-shirts, shorts, mirrored shades, unused tampon and whatever else they took to the pool yesterday.

Baegundae Peak: clothing aside, foreigners may also be identified by their belief that in an emergency they can spontaneously develop the power of wingless flight, therefore allowing them to perch on any precipice with impunity

For those hiking anywhere near the border with the Super Supreme Leader's People's Democratic Empire of New Nuclear North Korea, additional precautionary equipment includes Samsung-patented high visibility camouflage fatigues.  These incorporate bright luminous flecks woven into the standard military camouflage pattern to facilitate the rapid location and extraction of stray hikers from the DMZ by South Korean special forces while ensuring that the North Korean border patrols remain oblivious about their errant trekking.

Of course, whatever level of preparation you feel happy with, always remember that nothing is more important than timing. Nobody should be under the illusion that hiking in Korea is a good idea just because they feel like it. The chances are that if you feel like it, then virtually half the population may also be feeling like it. This is fine if you want the Costco-checkout-on-a-mountain-top experience, but otherwise think carefully about the right time to go.

The entrance to Chilgabsan Provincial Park
"I told you we should have gone to Costco"

Mother Nature overwhelmed - ultimately underwhelming

Of course today's gravitationally challenged sofa huggers and itinerant screenagers who are surgically connected to their keyboards may think that they are not up to climbing a mountain. Even if they can afford 3 month's rent for the correct equipment, perhaps they are not fit enough, they may not have the endurance or they can't find equally ruminant companions to trek with.  If this is you, then you can rest assured that no matter which trek you choose, climbing the actual mountain will be the easy part.  Invariably self-pity and shame will be the heaviest burdens which you will carry on the long and winding road to the summit.  

As you set out with a light heart and a spring in your step, you will feel buoyed by the large number of brightly coloured octogenarians and nonagenarians walking alongside. You give each of them a friendly nod, saying "Hi" and wishing them a great day on the mountain.  The camaraderie is welcome and comforting; after all, how hard can the climb be if these diminutive whisps can do it ? They weigh a little over 40kg, stand barely 150cm tall and the light can even be seen clear through their limbs when the sun is behind them. You barely notice how these sprites disappear around the curve ahead of you and then vanish entirely from view on the next stretch of the path.  

It is only after you complete the first third of the trek that you start to realise just how many of these old-timers have actually flitted past you already.  During the second third of the trek, you begin to hear your heart pounding in your ears and the blood slooshing through your carteroid artery; somewhere in your brain, something wants to pop.  Your legs feel like you have just returned to earth after 6 months in orbit.  Sweat trickles from your shoulder blades to the inside of your knees without stopping at your waistband.  Each breath feels like a gasp fought for on the scalding surface of Venus. You then wonder if you're hallucinating when the first group of these oldies reappear like phantoms in front of you, this time heading back down the mountain ! Yes, it's true they've done the peak and started heading down again while you're still only 2/3 of the way up.  Miraculously they haven't broken a sweat and none of them are even breathing heavy.  They recognise you too as you exchange pleasantries again before they give it to you right between the eyes; a look of condescending pity which says simply; "Hopeless Wretch".  It's an all-humbling moment when you realise that not only are you mortal, but you have been comprehensively routed, defeated and humiliated, kindly and politely by an opponent you were not even aware of.

Getting away from it all (along with everyone else !)

Wherever you choose to live, drive and survive, one important consideration is always vacations. Which interesting locations are within easy reach and how many days off can you get to explore them ?   

As a springboard for exploring east Asia, South Korea is ideally placed for scooting off to visit cultural and natural wonders such as Cambodia's temples of Siem Reap, Vietnam's Mekong Delta, the Philippines' volcanic archipelago, China's Forbidden City or (dare I say it ?) Japan's Mt Fuji - to name just a few.  Alternatively the commercial hubs of Singapore, Hong Kong, Kuala Lumpur and Shanghai are equally accessible.  Of course Hawaii, Guam and the whole of Australasia, are only slightly further afield.  

Surveys vary but in the global league table of public holidays, India seems to win outright with ~18 public holidays per year, mostly centred on numerous religious festivals. 

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/travel/maps-and-graphics/mapped-the-countries-that-have-the-most-bank-holidays/

However South Korea also does respectably well with ~16 days, of which 5 relate to historical national events such as liberation, foundation or war memorials, 4 relate to Lunar (Chinese) New Year (Seollal) and 3 relate to Thanksgiving (Chuseok).     

Chuseok, falling around the autumn equinox, is perhaps the most important of the year, combining two main concepts.  The first of these is reconnecting with family, including the veneration of ancestors. The second is to celebrate a successful harvest at the end of a long, hard summer tending the crops.  The veneration of ancestors means travel to the hometowns of deceased family, visiting their graves, cleaning their headstones, leaving food offerings and flowers, completing prayers and other rituals. Reconnecting with surviving family includes the preparation of large family meals, giving prayers of thanks and other traditional rituals.  For a couple or family visiting only the previous 2 generations, Chuseok requires meeting the parents of each partner and also the parents of each of those - either dead or alive.  

Given South Korea's unusually homogeneous population (96% Korean vs 4% foreigners) and the fact that 92% of the population live in cities (with 50% living in Seoul itself), this annual pilgrimage to reconnect the generations becomes a logistically formidable exercise in dashing from city to city.  

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Demographics_of_South_Korea

http://english.yonhapnews.co.kr/national/2016/08/25/0302000000AEN20160825009500320.html

Predictably, air and train tickets are pre-booked and sold out months in advance, leaving most people with little choice but to travel by road. Bus travel is an option for the minority of single travelers, however this is a highly competitive business at the best of times and does not come without its own risks.

   https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J_mZA_kcFMU

For couples and especially families (ie: 8 out of 10 people) there really is no alternative but to take their chances by car. Korea's rugged, mountainous terrain restricts highways to the valleys, so Chuseok becomes yet another endurance test as millions of cars compete to criss-cross the country through highway bottle-necks which routinely extend a 4 hour journey to 12 or 16 hours or more. 

http://www.koreatimesus.com/millions-of-s-koreans-hit-the-road-for-chuseok/

Chuseok traffic in Seoul - a greater exodus than Moses high-tailing it from Egypt

For those who are fortunate enough to hold a job in a national conglomerate (see previous posts on Chaebols), this arduous task is sweetened slightly by the fact that employees receive a generous Chuseok travel allowance of about US$ 5,000 (GBP 3,750), which is not something to be sniffed at.  It is a reflection of the importance of Chuseok that the conglomerates have maintained such extravagant allowances even in the face of some pretty dire corporate performances.  More prudent employers often give employees gifts for the house of the order of US$100-200. However between individuals, the most common thing to send to each other at Chuseok is invariably spam. Not the email variety, this is the original, unidentified-meat-in-a-can variety. 

During the dire circumstances of the 1950-53 Korea war, spam supplied as a simple, cheap, non-perishable staple to the US forces accidentally became a desperately sought-after luxury in the Korean community, obtainable only by those who were influential or very well connected.  In a starving, peasant economy, spam quickly achieved the most improbably high prestige.    

SPAM was developed in 1937 by Hormel foods in Austin Minnesota.It became a key supply to the military forces of the US, Britain and Russia.
By 2007 production exceeded 7bn tins - and the world population of 6.6bn people

Demand was such that after the war, Korean production started under license from Hormel by CJ CheilJedang Corp, then part of the Samsung Group. Over the last 60 years the prestige of spam has, if anything increased. As with most other luxury items in Korea, the perceived prestige of spam rests largely on the fact that it originated from abroad and it is sold at a 30% premium over other tinned meats.  

Spam consumption in South Korea has increased five fold from 2000 to 2013 alone. Koreans now proudly advise that they produce not only the greatest varieties of spam but also the best quality - better even than the original !  Not only is spam served routinely in quality restaurants, it is also promoted in soap operas, movies and advertising as a luxury food.  When exchanged as a gift spam still reflects great mutual honour and respect. Although regular tins of spam are available everywhere all year round at about US$ 3 per tin, this does not prevent buying frenzies before national holidays like Chuseok.  At such times retail outlets package 9 tins together with a couple of bottles of olive oil in a fancy presentation box and knock these out as gift sets for a wallet-buckling US$ 75.  

http://blogs.wsj.com/korearealtime/2014/09/05/in-korea-its-spam-time-of-year/

Astonishingly everyone happily scrambles to buy these, even knowing full well that after the vacation, the unsold gift sets will be reduced to clear at half the price. 

SPAM - defying all odds in South Korea since 1953

It is worth noting that in North Korea Chuseok is an entirely different affair. Official permission is still required to leave one's home town and is normally forbidden without exceptional circumstances. Even then the cost of such a permit, either via bribes or the official process puts this beyond the reaches of all but a wealthy and privileged elite in Pyongyang.