No Sex Please I'm British

Puffer jackets - now a near fetish in Korea 

The silly season has definitely returned to Seoul this winter as December heralded a third consecutive year of obsession-near-fetish as students and adults alike competed to drop anything upwards of US$750 on identical, almost invariably black, ankle-length, duck down quilted 'caterpillar coats'. The knee length or waist length coats of previous years are strictly passé so it is best not to attempt a personal fashion revival by pulling either of these out of the wardrobe - even if you are still paying off the loan for them ! This will just get you de-listed from every event on your social calendar and will guarantee you your very own spotlight on social media. 

https://www.businessoffashion.com/articles/global-currents/why-puffer-jackets-are-so-popular-in-korea

Size does matter; the guy on the right is going home alone tonight 

If you cannot afford the Full Monty this year then just stay home in your PJs with Netflix. This confirms you are one of life's 'little people'. 

Life's 'Little People' in Seoul Station subway,
taking refuge from temperatures of -15°C in their own padded sleeping bags

Of course, if you can afford to wear what looks like the sleeping bag in which you slept in the subway with the hobos last night, then your style has triumphed over your common sense and you can proudly strut that shapeless, sexless but inexplicably coveted Michelin Man look all over town. 

High school competition is fierce; the longer the better

Aside from the astonishing price of the coats, the social pressure to have the 'reassuringly expensive' brand 'because you're worth it' (brainwashing legacies of Stella Artois and L'Oreal respectively) and the fact the coats will be re-styled next season and therefore obviously unwearable, is the sheer incredible bulk of the coats. They instantly endow a 60kg whispish rake of an office boy with the commanding profile of a Kiwi scrum half. These coats transform a person's stature just like Steve Rogers / Captain America before and after the treatment. All this comes to a head during rush hour on the subway where normal overcrowding is already a game of groans. 

Rush hour on the Seoul subway: busy 

Seoul commuters are quite accustomed to packing into carriages so tightly that anyone can happily fall asleep standing up without any risk of falling over, since there is quite literally no space to fall into. The tight crush of people exerts a supporting pressure on everyone like a jar full of toothpicks. Of course, a carriage is never full; if nobody exits at a particular stop, everyone has to bunch up to accommodate the new onboards. The danger point is recognised when commuters spontaneously begin 'synchronised breathing'. This is when one person inhales while the person next to them exhales; because if everybody inhaled at the same time then the person with the weakest ribs will simply implode into a soggy mess. This is not only traumatic for their travelling companions but also highly inconvenient for the cleaners. The health risks of overpacking become clear whenever the train brakes harshly or lurches on a sharp curve. This is followed by a wave of popping sounds as the shoulders and hips of the most fragile commuters gently dislocate and then re-engage as a surge of crowd-pressure ripples through the carriage.

At peak hours the crush is so acute that it is quite impossible to avoid rubbing erogenous zones with at least six strangers while travelling just three stops. Whether you are rubbing EZs with people of your preferred sex, sexuality, age or physical attributes is very much a lottery - you can only hope to get lucky once in a while. Essentially, subway commuters are willingly engaging in the foreplay of a fully public orgy which they have not actually consented to.

The daily commute; agony and ecstasy - the public orgy you didn't consent to

Just this week one gentleman (I have to assume, since he seemed superficially polite) backed up so close to me that his ear brushed against my lips. Now, as a man of the world I am normally quite adept at stimulating an earlobe or two. A slow combination of warm breath, quiet murmurs, an inquiring tongue, together with some soft nibbles with moist lips and perhaps a gentle bite or two can be a very good starting point for a long and rewarding intimate evening. However it is sadly not the same when some unknown gent half a head shorter than me, drags his earlobe across my lips and tickles my nose with his dyed-black, gel-stiffened, toilet-brush haircut. He assumed this much foreplay from me without so much as a coffee and a little frisky small-talk. I was furious: how easy does he think I am ?

Pupae: unexpected fashion icons

The caterpillar coats and the overcrowded subway present serious social challenges when taken separately. When they combine, they make the morning commute the ultimate test of endurance. At rest, each person is said to emit about 100W of heat. However when wrapped in sufficient insulation to climb the peaks of Pluto, then ram-packed into subway carriages hot enough to grow tomatoes, the average commuter finds themselves cooking in their own juices and, ironically, in danger of passing out from heat stroke. Meanwhile shorter, vertically challenged commuters face the additional risk of being smothered by the taller crowd around them. So effective is the sensory deprivation provided by today's mobiles and noise-canceling headphones that there is no chance of noticing a fellow commuter turn from red via purple to blue and then expiring with a muffled whimper. Yet another dilemma for the cleaners !