• Your queue always moves the slowest ...
Until you change queues, then;
• the queue you left will move faster than the one you moved to
• Whichever queue you join, no matter how short it looks, it will always take the longest for you to get served
• an Englishman, even if he is alone, forms an orderly queue of one
• etc, etc
• the queue you left will move faster than the one you moved to
• Whichever queue you join, no matter how short it looks, it will always take the longest for you to get served
• an Englishman, even if he is alone, forms an orderly queue of one
• etc, etc
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| The Full Monty : The Art of Queuing perfected by the British in 1997 |
Of course not all queues are the same and some are certainly more equal than others. There are several different types of queue depending on how the tasks are processed;
- process first in, first out
eg; the line for casting your vote to elect a new president - process the most important task first
eg; which national leader to phone, un-nerve and gloat with after winning the nomination as president-elect
- process the most simple task first
eg; explaining to a septuagenarian president with no political experience how a new administration is actually staffed - process the shortest task first
eg; appoint friends and relatives to key staff positions in said administration, thereby skipping any tedious selection procedures - process last in, first out
eg; choosing which order to repeal the legislation of the previous administration
- process the most urgent task first
eg; sue any media describing golden showers in Russia
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| " 'Not nice !' Let me say it again for you folks; that is 'NOT NICE' " |
Many years ago a friend confided that to get the best seat at a good restaurant in Russia, one did not to book in advance, negotiate with the Maitre d' or wait for the desired table to become available. One simply invited one's bodyguard to come along for dinner. Said bodyguard would casually walk over to the desired table, discretely open his jacket to reveal the 9mm semi-automatic dangling under his armpit. The diners would readily stop eating and vacate the table, very quickly and above all, very politely. It worked like a treat every time.
In Korea queuing is at best 'experimental' and at worst merely a question of one's own self-importance. In other words, if you can convince yourself that your need (or your task) is more urgent than the others who are also waiting then you don't need to wait with them - you can just prioritise yourself.
Most foreigners notice that something is wrong when first observing the permanently busy city streets. Traffic protocols are modeled on the American drive-on-the-right system, including the option to turn right on a red signal if there is no traffic crossing the junction from the left. Of course important people such as those driving expensive imports, SUVs or chauffer driven company cars may exercise their own discretion as to what is 'right'. If they feel important enough and so inclined they may include what less important observers would normally consider as 'left' as also 'right' and so turn left on red, paying no attention to the rights of way of pedestrians sent scattering on crossings or the oncoming traffic, which may consequently have a little fender bender. This unenlightened behaviour is all the more remarkable, occurring as it does in a country which remains so steeped in traditional Confucian ideas about consideration for others.
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| Unless you drive an important looking car |
Meanwhile down in the subway queuing takes a comically surreal twist when combined with a little fevered competition. If you stand behind someone leaving enough clear space for someone else to insert a flat hand, then that hand will be followed by the attached arm, shoulder and torso, displacing you one row backwards before you've even had a chance to look up. The only guard against this is to achieve and maintain an indecent proximity to the person in front and to wear lots of padded clothing just in case this becomes more fun than it should.
A restless jostling for position heightens each time the train pulls into a station. Elbows are flexed in anticipation of the doors swishing open; then they're off. Try imagining an egg-and-spoon race combined with a sack race, this is a fair approximation. Holding their smartphones (iphones for boys, Galaxies for girls), in one hand, holding their skirts down with the other, shuffling at high speed but in half steps to maintain tight formation, the crowd resembles penguins tootling along a glacier anxious to plop off into the sea.
When the genetics for queuing were being distributed around Asia, the Koreans (amongst others) were clearly sulking in a corner and having none of it. Today's solution is of course technical, coming in the form of a little machine which offers you a number and invites you to wait until yours is called. They're in every bank, hospital, cinema and soon to be introduced at hot-dog stands I shouldn't wonder. However one demographic remains so important that tickets remain beneath them. These are not people of wealth, power or religion, these are simply old-timers. When you have seniority you don't need a foreign SUV to turn left on red and you definitely don't need a numbered ticket to help you queue. You just walk straight up to the powerless jobsworth at his desk and command whatever you want. And the cowering wretch will happily stop everything, instantly and do whatever they are told without question.
It is reassuring to know that such brash bluster could never occur in other countries especially those which have elected their oldest ever leader who in turn has appointed the oldest ever administration.
A restless jostling for position heightens each time the train pulls into a station. Elbows are flexed in anticipation of the doors swishing open; then they're off. Try imagining an egg-and-spoon race combined with a sack race, this is a fair approximation. Holding their smartphones (iphones for boys, Galaxies for girls), in one hand, holding their skirts down with the other, shuffling at high speed but in half steps to maintain tight formation, the crowd resembles penguins tootling along a glacier anxious to plop off into the sea.
When the genetics for queuing were being distributed around Asia, the Koreans (amongst others) were clearly sulking in a corner and having none of it. Today's solution is of course technical, coming in the form of a little machine which offers you a number and invites you to wait until yours is called. They're in every bank, hospital, cinema and soon to be introduced at hot-dog stands I shouldn't wonder. However one demographic remains so important that tickets remain beneath them. These are not people of wealth, power or religion, these are simply old-timers. When you have seniority you don't need a foreign SUV to turn left on red and you definitely don't need a numbered ticket to help you queue. You just walk straight up to the powerless jobsworth at his desk and command whatever you want. And the cowering wretch will happily stop everything, instantly and do whatever they are told without question.
It is reassuring to know that such brash bluster could never occur in other countries especially those which have elected their oldest ever leader who in turn has appointed the oldest ever administration.
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| Donald Trump on John McCain, "He’s not a war hero. He’s a war hero because he was captured. I like people that weren’t captured." (Trump himself dodged the draft to avoid the Vietnam War) |
