War of the Words

Relations between North Korea and the rest of the world are clearly sinking to a new low this year. Against a background of unprecedented military escalation and doubtful new sanctions the world's greatest egos have recently resumed trading personal insults to scorch each other via global headlines and soundbites.

Things became briefly personal in 2014 as western media led unflattering criticism of an iconic new hairstyle sported by Kim Jong-Un; the young Super Supreme Leader of the world's last best hope for totalitarianism-on-a-shoestring.

The Brits, normally a pillar of discretion, freely joined the melee offering corrective hair styling for anyone possessed enough to emulate the young dictator.

Poster in the window of a west London barber-shop offering to correct experimental errors.
Officials from the North Korean embassy were not amused.

http://www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/home-news/north-korea-calls-on-foreign-office-to-act-over-kim-jong-un-bad-hair-day-poster-9265144.html

Underlining its 'special relationship' with the US, the UK's Foreign Minister blathered effusely:

"Mr Kim's closely cropped, military style is totally unsuited for leadership.  Aspiring leaders of today's great nations are currently sporting the orange-blond flyaway look. It's totally impenetrable to all forms of common sense, tact or diplomacy, which is just perfect for a weekend's warmongering from the golf course or indeed for Brexit negotiations with Johnny Foreigner, Fwaaaahhh !"

Mr Trump and Mr Johnson - more often dazed than dazzling

A cabinet colleague of Mr Johnson wearing leopard print stilettos commented only on conditions of total anonymity:
"We have understood for a long time the vulgar meaning of the word 'Johnson' in the US.  Sadly in recent times this word has come to mean exactly the same thing here in the UK also.
I shall not be removed".

In this early round of personal mockery, public opinion tended to favour Mr Kim. Fashionistas agreed that the adventurous new hair style was very practical, keeps its shape well in strong wind, heavy rain and military exercises.  It also fits easily under a peaked cap while still allowing space to stash snacks or contraband for an emergency.  

John Travolta : Scientology never looked so "Phwoooor !"

http://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/2015/02/20/kim-jong-un-hair_n_6719792.html


By comparison the orange-blond flyaway, much like the wearer, responds erratically to all external influences, requires constant resetting, is notoriously difficult to contain and looks about as statesmanlike as a ginger tom in free fall.

Ginger tom in actual free-fall, novice politician in popularity free-all

2017 started predictably with the regular round of US-South Korea co-ordinated military defence drills in March. NK responded with the usual large military parades in Pyongyang. In April came an unusual announcement that the USS aircraft carrier Carl Vinson would be diverted to monitor the NK regime and 'show resolve', but by June this was revealed as something of a 'strategic misdirection' (or 'fake news') by the Whitehouse when the Vinson was reported safely back in San Diego.

What few people saw coming next were;

• NK's September detonation of the world's largest explosion since China in 1992; ostensibly a hydrogen bomb of 250 kT
• a new sport of brazenly launching rockets over northern Japan rudely early in the morning at the weekends. 

Somehow these were the trigger for things to become personal again, with a speech at the UN labeling Kim Jong-Un 'Rocket Man' and 'suicidal'. While the name 'Rocket Man' speaks only to the author's limited wit and pre-school vocabulary, the term 'suicidal' carries much more ominous overtones. 

Put simply; if a leader is rational, he values self-preservation and can therefore be contained by negotiation, threats or deterrents. To call Kim suicidal is to suggest that he is not rational, cares not for his survival and therefore cannot be contained. Such an assessment would be the most convincing justification for a preemptive US strike to decapitate Kim's regime. In turn, this provides Kim with the most convincing (and rational) justification for a preemptive strike of his own. Therefore if the US actually have assessed Kim to be unstable (as opposed to just brutal with delusions of deity), then it is monumentally reckless to reveal this assessment, since once Kim knows this, it will be the surest path to inviting a preemptive strike by NK. 


https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/monkey-cage/wp/2017/09/20/would-trump-attack-north-korea-heres-what-we-learned-from-his-rocket-man-speech-at-the-u-n/?tid=pm_pop&utm_term=.124f687a54ff

Mr T's 'suicidal' comment suggests that in terms of strategic thinking, he still has not found time to read Sun Tzu's classic Art of War, despite misappropriating the title for his own Art of the Deal some 30 years ago.

Reckless reveals aside, Kim may well have got the upper hand  again; at least for upping the sophistication of the language used for trading insults. In response to the 'Rocket Man' quip, Kim referred to Mr T as a 'dotard', sending everyone scrambling for a dictionary, upon which most of us learned 4 new things; 

1. NK's dictionaries probably pre-date World War 1
2. 'dotard' originally meant 'imbecile' but later 'an old person who became weak and senile'
3. most of the Twittersphere shares Kim's opinion since the early days of the new administration - they just didn't have the same word for it
4. we are slowly slipping back into the cold war
   - does anyone want to revisit the 1980's ?

 

1986: Sting: Every Bomb You Make - courtesy Spitting Image

Out and about in Beijing

One dry observation repeated by nerdy cynics is that the proof of intelligent life in the cosmos lies in the simple fact that none of it has yet stopped by to introduce itself. The nearest any aliens have probably ventured is a quick flyby of Jupiter to snap the famous red spot for their bucket list. A brief interception of our daytime TV programming would quickly convince potential visitors that the Humans of Earth need several more centuries of evolution (and possibly then some !) before we are mature enough for First Contact. Of course we like to reassure ourselves that in a scrap, a couple of 'Independence Day' heroes like Will Smith and Jeff Goldblum would step up to the plate, but the harsh reality is that we would fail miserably if we needed to field a global leader anywhere near the calibre of Bill Pullman. 

Bill Pullman - a presidential Thomas Whitmore, delivers bad news in Independence Day

If there really is any doubt then just try this brief thought experiment; a peaceful species of sentient mushrooms lumbers into our solar system in a faulty space-craft the size of Tasmania. They assume a discrete orbit, explain that their primary engine has blown a gasket and they'll be on their way as soon as they can fix it. They just need to open a quarry the size of Wales somewhere on Earth to mine the rare earth elements needed for the repairs. They then ask innocently; "Please take us to your leader". Now the $64,000 question is; if this happened tomorrow, who would we really want to step into the spotlight to speak for all humanity at this critical juncture in Earth history ?

"Take us to your leader !"

Of course, if the sentient mushrooms study our Earth history, they might easily suppose that our Global Leader is somewhere in China and most probably in Beijing. After all, China's population is 4 times larger than the USA and 8 times larger than Russia. No surprise then that Beijing and Shanghai are now the world's two largest urban populations, featuring the world's most modern infrastructure and global concentrations of trade and finance. This development is not merely a recent achievement. A quick peek through history shows that 6 of the world's 15 largest empires were based in China and that Beijing especially was the world's most populous city for much of the last millenium. Accounts of early 15th century Chinese trade and diplomatic missions westwards to India, Arabia, East Africa and eastwards to Asia Pacific (and quite possibly Australasia and the eastern Pacific) offer a definitive guide on what it meant to be a global superpower, in an era before the same term eventually became synonymous with a nuclear arms race. 

The westward voyages of the voyager eunuch Zheng He

Today's Beijing proudly displays a rich history of ancient dynasties, grand military and engineering projects and cultural revolutions in the forms of squares, parks, palaces, temples, walls and canals which can be easily enjoyed by anyone - who has the right documents.  

Oldies playing board games in the shade around the Temple of The Sun in Ritan Park

Whether it's a wasteful communist trait to employ as many unproductive minions as possible or whether there is a real need to prevent western ideas contaminating the population, the Chinese authorities still follow the old adage "Trust is good but control is better".  Hence a tourist visa application requires a daily itinerary of everything you plan to do and everywhere you plan to go.  A foreigner wanting to leave a city hotel to visit the country must list the people he will visit and the addresses he will stay at and must register his arrival with local police during the excursion. Meanwhile the internet is widely available but external news and social media are blocked and therefore inaccessible without Virtual Private Networks. Curiously a visit to the Forbidden City requires proof of ID such as passport or driving licence simply to buy a ticket. Basically it's a pretty good reflection of Poland in the early 1980's.

The Forbidden City
- where entry is forbidden without formal ID, but cycling is permitted, evidently

Paperwork aside, the sights are indeed amazing. The unique size and richness of of the Forbidden City seems special enough to have survived the heavy boot of the state, which seems to have made no effort to eradicate the ethereal names of the buildings, such as; the Palace of Peace and Longevity, the Palace of Heavenly Purity, The Palace of Earthly Tranquility, etc, etc.  

Temple of Heaven

Likewise the majestic Temple of Heaven set in huge leafy cherry orchards is surrounded by the spiritually uplifting Garden of 100 Flowers, the Palace of Abstinence and the Imperial Vault of Heaven.

SuZhou Street at the Summer Palace
- complete with weeping willows, arched bridges, lilly ponds and traditional stores
as featured on all blue and white Chinese-themed crockery since time began 

Traditional Spode pottery from Staffordshire featuring all the same signature themes

It is perhaps at The Summer Palace, a collection of temples and gardens around a huge lake system, overlooked by the Temple of the Fragrance of the Buddha where you start to wonder if the designer was trying just a little too hard to impress his royal patrons. 

The Summer Palace - a quiet little palace outside the city for an emperor to get away from it all

As you walk through the gardens up the hill you pass through the Valley of Fumbling Discovery, along the Path of Breathless Anticipation which leads up onto the Peak of Heavenly Euphoria. 

And finally; depending on how touchy-feely you are, for decades China's greatest treasure has been either their irresistible pandas or the famous Great Wall. It long since passed into common consensus that the Great Wall is visible from space, some said from the moon and others even suggested it is visible from Mars.  Sadly nothing of the sort seems to be true, as confirmed by astronauts who squinted in vain from many space vehicles, including the International Space Station.  

https://m.thevintagenews.com/2017/02/12/the-myth-that-the-great-wall-of-china-is-visible-from-space-originated-before-anyone-had-ever-been-into-space/


https://www.nasa.gov/vision/space/workinginspace/great_wall.html

This sad realiasation proved to be very upsetting, not least to Chinese astronauts who, it was suggested, needed more training to learn how to identify the Great Wall.

https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/is-chinas-great-wall-visible-from-space/

The Great Wall - easily visible at Mutianyu, 75km north of Beijing.
Started in the 6th century, then rebuilt in the 15th and 16th century.
It is up to 8.5m high and 5m wide, the best preserved part of the Great Wall today. 

However the amazing good news for the touchy-feely types is that pandas are indeed finally visible from space.  

The 100 MW Datong Solar Power Plant in Shanxi Province
- designed to raise awareness and be visible from space - finally.

http://www.solardaily.com/reports/Chinese_Solar_Farm_in_the_Shape_of_a_Giant_Panda_Can_Be_Seen_From_Space_999.html