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| No 10 wears Stella McCartney house slippers |
Britain's woefully Sub-Prime Minister appeared predictably for the cameras in signature leopard print house slippers to give a statement outside No 10.
Meanwhile Mr Putin, looking relaxed after an effortless election victory, sported open-neck, smart-casual hunting fatigues for a short announcement in front of the Gasprom Flame of Eternal Reward.
Sig Berlusconi appeared in a chiffon nightie with love-bites on his neck and fresh welts on his thighs on the front doorstep of one of his regular 'nieces'.
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| Sig Berlusconi - a stock photo showing some indiscretion behind the podium |
Together they confirmed what scientists, climatologists and even the bears in the woods have been reporting for years; the world is experiencing global climate change, the likes of which has not been seen since the days when you could walk from England to France.
Parts of the globe which have been deep frozen for decades are warming for the first time; news agencies are reporting unusual signs of life. This includes the first attempts in recent memory to reciprocate communication by the KimJongUns. These highly reclusive inhabitants of the northern Korean peninsular normally hibernate for countless years on end, huddled for warmth around their uranium enrichment facilities hidden deep in the dark caves under the mountains.
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| South Korea hosts the new, slimmer face of North Korea; Kim YoJong, Director of NK's Propoganda & Agitation Dept and more importantly, the youngest sister of NK leader Kim JongUn |
A delegation of South Korean negotiators immediately flew from Seoul to Washington to report the previously unlikely thawing of relations with North Korea. They brought with them an 'unconventional message' from Kim JongUn addressed to 'US President Dennis Rodman'.
Whitehouse medics had to treat several South Korean negotiators for dislocated shoulders after they apparently patted themselves on the back a little too hard following the success of their epiphanous decision to 'initiate dialogue' with North Korea; a concept previously dismissed as 'dangerous' by more conservative South Korean governments. This dialogue was just the latest warming event in a chain reaction beginning with South Korea postponing its winter military drills with the US. This led to the North's cessation of test missiles launched into the Pacific. In turn North Korea accepted an invitation to participate in South Korea's Winter Olympics; notably the 'Icy Hard Stare' and 'Synchronised Scowling' events, at which they won gold, silver and bronze.
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| Vice Pres. Mike Pence and wife Karen make a solid synchronised effort at the classic 'Over my dead body' scowl. Ultimately a more engaging 'Come on, impress me' scowl by NK's Kim YoJong (rear, left) won over the judges in the Synchronised Scowling Event (Humourless Diplomat Class) |
Just weeks later North Korea's Fat Controller urgently brushed the dust off 'Thomas', his father's favourite tank engine, setting the wheels in motion for his first trip abroad since taking power in 2011.
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| Rasberry ripple and lemon sorbet : firm favourites with Kim JongUn since childhood |
Where better to go than China for an even faster warming of relations between Super-Supreme Leader Kim and Emperor Xi as the two leaders celebrated Mr Xi's recently elevated status.
http://www.scmp.com/news/china/diplomacy-defence/article/2139342/chinese-president-xi-jinping-north-korean-leader-kim
While the far east reveled in totally unprecedented warming, the west has conversely been plunged into the sharpest cooling of relations in modern memory. Rhetoric was already frosty, even by European standards, after Britain formally declared 'Brexit' - an intention to take all their toys from the playground and to go home to play with themselves.
After months of deteriorating speculation about a speculative deterioration of relations, most observers thought things could not get any worse than Britain's David Davies.
Then a secret nerve agent was used on unwitting victims in sleepy Salisbury. This became the unlikely catalyst for a sudden show of strength and unity as Europe stopped bickering for a few moments and were joined by the US for The Great Russian Freeze-out.
Russian attachés were sent packing from all countries in time for Easter. Russia immediately warned of retaliation; the expulsion of an equal number of foreign officials from Russia. Inevitably one lone squatter tweeted jubilantly from the Whitehouse;
"Russia can't expel any of MY attachés because I didn't appoint any yet ! Losers !"
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| Putin on the charm, with Emperor Xi |
Tzar Putin was later heard joking with friends;
"Comrades: he wails with the petulant insecurity of an unloved child - the free world finally has the leader it deserves.
"But, to business; Beijing, next week, Emperor Xi invites me for a detailed inspection of his troops to celebrate our respective election victories. There will be many female comrades wearing automatic weapons and uniforms pressed with so much starch their skirts will crack like gunfire when they sit down. He will showcase China's latest range of assault tanks which are now available in a stunning range of day-glo colours with air conditioning and martini shakers fitted as standard. Sadly, none of you are invited. Laters comrades. Don't call me, I'll call you."
Meanwhile leaders of less-developed nations seem much less confident about managing the unpredictable swings predicted in the global climate. President Nana Akufo Addo of Ghana gave an example;
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| Flooding: not funny |
"Our brave but ill-equipped emergency services were completely overwhelmed of course. When the water level finally dropped, we saw proof - incontrovertible proof - of God's unique sense of humour. Can you imagine how difficult it was to get a 5 ton hippo out of the topmost branches of a mahogany tree ? It is not easily done I tell you ! The animal was very, very distressed and not even a little bit grateful. It was not worth the effort. If it happens again, we will simply shoot the bugger up there in the branches and then chop down the tree. We will send the villagers home with a heaven-sent BBQ of firewood and hippo-steaks. You can take my word for it."
Back stateside an exceptionally strong storm named 'Daniels', the likes of which has never been seen before, continues to be fueled by huge amounts of hot air spewed by a disingenuous, mystery Whitehouse resident named 'David Dennison'.
https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/the-fix/wp/2018/03/07/the-7-most-interesting-parts-of-stormy-danielss-lawsuit-against-trump/?utm_term=.77574631ea4c
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| 60 minutes ? Daniels didn't even need 6 |
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| Claims of proof that Dennison shared a bed with Daniels |
After '60 Minutes' aired an extended weather forecast to examine the storm in detail, most observers thought the storm would change course to distance itself from further controversy. However this now seems unlikely given this week's relentless new bursts of hot air from lawyers of Mr Dennison.
Last but not least, a Vatican spokesman also confirmed that climate change is a sin against the Creation, against the Natural World and as such is no less than a sin against God himself.
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| Pope Francis sporting the Vatican's own design; an Earth Wind Water and Fire Elemental Energy Collector neck ruffle, proudly not based on works by either Copernicus or Galileo. |
"Let me be clear," a spokesman explained, "The church is very much aware of our duty to preserve the Earth as the greatest of God's gifts to man. We are proud of our great strides in reducing carbon emissions, starting in the middle ages, no less. We were the first to stop burning witches as early as the mid 1600's while other churches irresponsibly continued for at least another century. Ours is an enlightened, loving, all inclusive church and as such we rapidly embraced the transition to drowning, hanging and beheading as environmentally friendly - and let's not forget merciful - solutions for exorcising Satan from the possessed, demonic women and children living in our communities. By the way, perhaps you are interested in our exciting training program to prepare squads of new exorcists for global assignment ? You get to keep your frequent flier miles."
https://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/2018/03/30/exorcism-training-course-put-vatican-demand-rises/
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| “This is 2018 folks, it is no longer the Middle Ages. Self-taught exorcists no longer cut the mustard; we're hiring apprentices” |
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