The KBS Apocalypse Special

Presenter: Hot on the heels of last week's huge military parades in Pyongyang comes this week's 85th anniversary of the founding of North Korea's People's Army. The burning question amongst the world's top generals and their ladies-who-latte is; just how will the boy-king-turned-Super-Supreme-Leader, Kim JongUn choose to celebrate ? 

Apocalypse Now: make sure your last meal is the Nuclear Bomb Burger
- only USD $4 with a soft drink 

In the last two weeks Kim has launched so many tirades it is difficult to know which is his favourite form of destruction right now. Will he make good on an early promise to wipe the US from the face of the Earth in a sea of fire ? Or will he be content to just sink a passing aircraft carrier with 'a hole in one' ? 

USS Carl Vinson: diverting to make a hot spot even hotter !

Don't forget his ominous threats to annihilate any allies which stand together with the US: - Australia has already irked the young warrior once this week, as has Japan several times over. It's becoming hard to keep track of all of young Kim's enemies and the feast of options on the table before him. One nation not yet in Kim's bad books is the Giant Chinese Panda; but how long will it be before telephone calls from Kim's arch nemesis President T to Kim's neighbour President Xi finally leave the panda with dirty paws ? 

Let's hope the young emperor can handle all this international attention, the pressure of military leadership and this undoubted test of his stamina without an accidental premature ejection of his nuclear weapon.

Keep cool to avoid premature ejection

Come what may, you can rest in peace knowing that the Korea Broadcasting Service will bring you the very best, split-second reportage right through your End of Days and into the aftermath.

KBS' intrepid reporters will be live on location (well, initially at least) to relay updates of the whole shooting match as it happens. Our front line reporters have been dispatched literally to the front line; along the full length of the DMZ from where they will bring you blow by blow accounts of incursions by either side. 

Standard issue South Korean military rucksack
- note the flag and name fixed by velcro so they can be quickly exchanged for North Korean flag and name to facilitate a hasty retreat  

Our favourite K-Pop girl group ME4Uranium235 will be cheering our forces as they race headlong into oblivion. 

Meanwhile high speed coverage will be brought to you in glorious ultra high definition by KBS's sports reporters located on the nation's highest peaks. From there they will capture the full splendour of mushroom-shaped vapour clouds bursting over our mountains and the searing nuclear firestorms as they rage across the peaks and through the valleys incinerating every last trace of vegetation and human activity in their wake. 

Ain't no mountain high enough to keep our reportage from you

Of course, for those of you who are too busy to watch these spectacular events live, KBS shall be screening repeats each night after 9pm with special edited highlights condensed into a 2 hour souvenir spectacular to be shown on Sunday evening.

And now as we wait for the nail-biting escalation to the final countdown, let's see how some foreign visitors are preparing for the inevitable. Earlier today we spoke to two embassy officials Bob and Mable who arrived 3 years ago.

Presenter: So Bob, Mable, both of you obviously decided to stay here in Seoul for the grand finale. Firstly what are your impressions of the infamous Mr Kim ?

Mable: Well frankly we are both very disappointed; he is just a horrid little schoolboy without any class, isn't he ? We have lived under the best dictators of the 20th century and we can tell you honestly, this little Kim barely deserves the title.

Bob: Hmm

Gaddaffi: punctual

Mable: We spent 3 years in Tripoli with that Colonel Gaddaffi. Now he was a real professional; military man of course. You could set your watch by his firing squads; his prisoners were always dead on time, 11am, no matter what the charge, the evidence or the verdict. Always small calibre rifles at close range, never any mess and not even enough noise to interrupt your focus when completing the crossword with a croissant in the café across the square .

Bob: Hmm

Saddam: Panache

Mable: Then we spent 5 years in Baghdad under Saddam. He was an executioner's executioner; knew what he enjoyed and how to enjoy it. Pure showmanship, real panache; left everyone in awe. But finally the crucifixions became a bit much. Instead of a slow, quiet process that you could peek in on from day to day, he started to smash their knee joints and leg bones with iron bars to prevent them standing. There was so much howling and bone crunching. You can no longer call it a family event when your children start crying because their squeamish nanny has passed out and dropped their ice creams again. She was such an embarrasment that finally we had to stop going.

Bob: Hmm

Mable: As for this Kim, he has no taste, no style, no finesse. An execution by rocket launcher is hardly statesmanlike is it ? It's just pure gangster. And being set upon by ravenous dogs ? To much 'Game of Thrones' obviously. Nuclear tests and missile launches at 6:20 in the morning ? It is self evident, he has no decorum, All that good education wasted. Very disappointing indeed. As I keep saying to Bob: "Kim JongUn is a wrong 'un".

Bob: Hmm

Presenter: So what can you tell us about your personal countdown to cataclysm ?

Mabel: Well I know what to expect; to be incinerated at some ungodly hour with my hair in a net and my teeth in a glass beside the bed while I sleep. Nothing short of barbaric. Decent folks deserve annihilation some time after 10am. That would give us time for a hearty last breakfast with a few extra bacon rashers since we won't ever have to work them off. Then just an hour or two to feed the fish, shampoo the dog, take out the trash and check the lottery tickets. About 10:30 would be perfect, any later and I'll start feeling peckish before lunch.

Bob: Hmm

Presenter: I am afraid I have to stop you there ... KBS has reports from Seoul where people are desperately waiting the government's decision on the only issue more apocalyptic than the apocalypse. It's an issue which has vexed our rulers since the late 1300's and been the unbearable burden of every govt in modern times; The Egg Conundrums. Which end of the egg is the top and which is the bottom, also which is the correct end to break to eat the contents and  ... 

POOOOOOF !

President Xi: Consider yourself evicted.
There will now be an intermission of 20 years while Chinese language, government, administration, social hieracy and religion are formally re-established on the peninsular.

It's all about the long game innit ?

Mwhooor-hooor-hooor ......

[Menacing laughter and cackling fades to distance]

Bob: Well it was sure nice talking to you guys. 
Armageddon out'ta here !

Hiking in Korea - the Taoist answer to life, the universe and everything

One subject of traditional Chinese religious paintings is The Vinegar Tasters in which 3 men, representing Confucianism, Buddhism and Taoism together sample the taste of vinegar - a subtle allegory for life, no less.  The Confucian's face shows that he finds the taste unacceptably sour, the Buddhist's that he finds the taste disappointingly bitter while only the Taoist finds the taste agreeable.  

A modern version of the traditional Chinese illustration

The reactions of the Tasters illustrates the differences between the central tenets of Confucianism, Buddhism and Taoism.  Confucians find modern life sour; that is; spoiled, and sadly lacking compared with the higher standards of ancient times, heaven and the universe. They favour strict rules and veneration of ancestors to ensure that modern life exactly follows traditional values. By comparison Buddhists find modern life is full of distracting desires and illusions, the attempted attainment of which leads only to bitter disappointment and suffering. The solution is not to be seduced by the earthly 'world of dust' but to find peace in Nirvana - a state of No Wind. Meanwhile Taoists accept modern life as it is, enjoy it as much as possible and make what they can from it.  In short; when God gives you lemons, you should make lemonade.  

In Korea steep, wooded mountains cover as much as 70% of the country. Under these conditions, South Korea's distinctly Taoist response is to establish national parks all over the country, become a nation of mountain hikers and to get out there as often as possible.  

South Korea: more National Parks than you can shake a stick at.
Each mountain continuously bristles with the world's most fiercely accomplished hikers.

Foreigners are always impressed with the the serious dedication that Koreans commit to everything.  As with cycling, the nation's rival opiate, hiking commands only the very best, professional quality, purpose made equipment. A quick glimpse around any mountain top will quickly sort the wheat from the chaff.

Baegundae Peak (a modest 836m) overlooking north Seoul from Bukhansan National Park

Koreans are easily identified in this season's nature-with-neon themed body-glove attire which is simultaneously waterproof, wind proof, perspiration proof, self deodourising, erogenously stimulating and thermally self-regulating in weather conditions ranging from a broiling Venusian summer to an exceptional storm on Jupiter.  Note the full length sleeves (UV protection), full length length pants (protection from insects and thorns), perspiration-absorbent neck-scarfs, wide brimmed hats, shock-absorbing hiking poles, Everest-tested hiking boots with spare alpaca-fleece socks, NASA standard thermos flasks able to keep your beverage hot in the vacuum of space for 24 hours, 2kW LED flashlights to signal passing ships, airliners or satellites, intercontinental short-wave radios, geo-synchronous distress flares, bottled oxygen, all-weather tactile precision gloves, folding chairs, hammocks, wild boar repellent, thermally insulated ground mats, 127 function Swiss Army knife, tibia-fibia resetting/splinting kit, portable defibrillator, back-up power packs, two week's rations of gourmet fish-roe kimbap with tins of spam and bottles of makoli for back-up. Meanwhile foreigners are readily identifiable by their incongruous combinations of sandals, t-shirts, shorts, mirrored shades, unused tampon and whatever else they took to the pool yesterday.

Baegundae Peak: clothing aside, foreigners may also be identified by their belief that in an emergency they can spontaneously develop the power of wingless flight, therefore allowing them to perch on any precipice with impunity

For those hiking anywhere near the border with the Super Supreme Leader's People's Democratic Empire of New Nuclear North Korea, additional precautionary equipment includes Samsung-patented high visibility camouflage fatigues.  These incorporate bright luminous flecks woven into the standard military camouflage pattern to facilitate the rapid location and extraction of stray hikers from the DMZ by South Korean special forces while ensuring that the North Korean border patrols remain oblivious about their errant trekking.

Of course, whatever level of preparation you feel happy with, always remember that nothing is more important than timing. Nobody should be under the illusion that hiking in Korea is a good idea just because they feel like it. The chances are that if you feel like it, then virtually half the population may also be feeling like it. This is fine if you want the Costco-checkout-on-a-mountain-top experience, but otherwise think carefully about the right time to go.

The entrance to Chilgabsan Provincial Park
"I told you we should have gone to Costco"

Mother Nature overwhelmed - ultimately underwhelming

Of course today's gravitationally challenged sofa huggers and itinerant screenagers who are surgically connected to their keyboards may think that they are not up to climbing a mountain. Even if they can afford 3 month's rent for the correct equipment, perhaps they are not fit enough, they may not have the endurance or they can't find equally ruminant companions to trek with.  If this is you, then you can rest assured that no matter which trek you choose, climbing the actual mountain will be the easy part.  Invariably self-pity and shame will be the heaviest burdens which you will carry on the long and winding road to the summit.  

As you set out with a light heart and a spring in your step, you will feel buoyed by the large number of brightly coloured octogenarians and nonagenarians walking alongside. You give each of them a friendly nod, saying "Hi" and wishing them a great day on the mountain.  The camaraderie is welcome and comforting; after all, how hard can the climb be if these diminutive whisps can do it ? They weigh a little over 40kg, stand barely 150cm tall and the light can even be seen clear through their limbs when the sun is behind them. You barely notice how these sprites disappear around the curve ahead of you and then vanish entirely from view on the next stretch of the path.  

It is only after you complete the first third of the trek that you start to realise just how many of these old-timers have actually flitted past you already.  During the second third of the trek, you begin to hear your heart pounding in your ears and the blood slooshing through your carteroid artery; somewhere in your brain, something wants to pop.  Your legs feel like you have just returned to earth after 6 months in orbit.  Sweat trickles from your shoulder blades to the inside of your knees without stopping at your waistband.  Each breath feels like a gasp fought for on the scalding surface of Venus. You then wonder if you're hallucinating when the first group of these oldies reappear like phantoms in front of you, this time heading back down the mountain ! Yes, it's true they've done the peak and started heading down again while you're still only 2/3 of the way up.  Miraculously they haven't broken a sweat and none of them are even breathing heavy.  They recognise you too as you exchange pleasantries again before they give it to you right between the eyes; a look of condescending pity which says simply; "Hopeless Wretch".  It's an all-humbling moment when you realise that not only are you mortal, but you have been comprehensively routed, defeated and humiliated, kindly and politely by an opponent you were not even aware of.

The End of the World is Nigh ........

Confusion ? Chaos ? A complete breakdown of social order ? We regularly watch movies showing humanity in the grip of a zombie apocalypse but exactly how much (or how little) does it actually take to overpower the simple discipline required for a city to function normally ? The answer is that here in Seoul we may be living much closer to the edge than you ever imagined.

Here is a simple example; escalators. We see them everywhere, we take them for granted, they are a way of life. In the building next door we have two escalators, each wide enough to carry a single file of people. The two sets are built side by side, one going up, one going down. Just in case the motion of the stairs doesn't make it obvious, at the top, one escalator has a 'No Entry' sign, the other an 'Entry' sign, while at the bottom there are similar signs arranged oppositely. It is a simple system which operates successfully, 24/7 without incident, without supervision, requiring only the bare minimum of discipline from the users. 

If you think that this can not reveal anything about the fragility of social order then just watch what happens when the power to the escalators is switched off, just before lunchtime. This is what you will see next; mature, normally rational members of the public instantly transformed to Demented Mindless Zombies.

Escalators: the end of the world as we know it ?

The first group of people approaching the escalators veer towards the correct stair for their direction of travel but notice that the stairs are not moving, so they stop abruptly. The group consults amongst themselves what to do; showing that the combined IQ of the complete collective is required for the complex analysis of the options; to use the escalator anyway, to find the stairs, to find an elevator. 

Needless to say the popular combination of mini-skirts and high heels has long-ago frustrated the evolution of a woman who could actually climb stairs without revealing too much of her 'modesty'. Therefore an elevator is the only option for the women in the group.

Short skirts and high heels - ok for escalators but too risque for climbing stairs

However, before a decision can be made, a crowd forms behind the first group. At the opposite end of the escalator a similar crowd performs the same mind-boggling analysis. And now comes the tipping point: at each end of the escalator, the crowd is now so big and the indecision so paralyzing that people slip into DMZ mode and start overflowing onto both escalators in both directions simultaneously. 

Only when these people meet in the middle do they realise that they are on a single file stair but now have to squeeze past everyone who is clumping along in the opposite direction. The ensuing struggles are nothing short of heroic, especially for those carrying hot coffee, decorated cakes, bunches of flowers and wet umbrellas.  From the relative sanity of an overlooking fast food emporium, you quickly realise that this is the kind of entertainment you should be selling tickets to watch.  The stepwise erosion of social order could become a whole new genre of spectator sport - it's as simple as the flick of a switch.

Be afraid, be very afraid.