War of the Words

Relations between North Korea and the rest of the world are clearly sinking to a new low this year. Against a background of unprecedented military escalation and doubtful new sanctions the world's greatest egos have recently resumed trading personal insults to scorch each other via global headlines and soundbites.

Things became briefly personal in 2014 as western media led unflattering criticism of an iconic new hairstyle sported by Kim Jong-Un; the young Super Supreme Leader of the world's last best hope for totalitarianism-on-a-shoestring.

The Brits, normally a pillar of discretion, freely joined the melee offering corrective hair styling for anyone possessed enough to emulate the young dictator.

Poster in the window of a west London barber-shop offering to correct experimental errors.
Officials from the North Korean embassy were not amused.

http://www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/home-news/north-korea-calls-on-foreign-office-to-act-over-kim-jong-un-bad-hair-day-poster-9265144.html

Underlining its 'special relationship' with the US, the UK's Foreign Minister blathered effusely:

"Mr Kim's closely cropped, military style is totally unsuited for leadership.  Aspiring leaders of today's great nations are currently sporting the orange-blond flyaway look. It's totally impenetrable to all forms of common sense, tact or diplomacy, which is just perfect for a weekend's warmongering from the golf course or indeed for Brexit negotiations with Johnny Foreigner, Fwaaaahhh !"

Mr Trump and Mr Johnson - more often dazed than dazzling

A cabinet colleague of Mr Johnson wearing leopard print stilettos commented only on conditions of total anonymity:
"We have understood for a long time the vulgar meaning of the word 'Johnson' in the US.  Sadly in recent times this word has come to mean exactly the same thing here in the UK also.
I shall not be removed".

In this early round of personal mockery, public opinion tended to favour Mr Kim. Fashionistas agreed that the adventurous new hair style was very practical, keeps its shape well in strong wind, heavy rain and military exercises.  It also fits easily under a peaked cap while still allowing space to stash snacks or contraband for an emergency.  

John Travolta : Scientology never looked so "Phwoooor !"

http://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/2015/02/20/kim-jong-un-hair_n_6719792.html


By comparison the orange-blond flyaway, much like the wearer, responds erratically to all external influences, requires constant resetting, is notoriously difficult to contain and looks about as statesmanlike as a ginger tom in free fall.

Ginger tom in actual free-fall, novice politician in popularity free-all

2017 started predictably with the regular round of US-South Korea co-ordinated military defence drills in March. NK responded with the usual large military parades in Pyongyang. In April came an unusual announcement that the USS aircraft carrier Carl Vinson would be diverted to monitor the NK regime and 'show resolve', but by June this was revealed as something of a 'strategic misdirection' (or 'fake news') by the Whitehouse when the Vinson was reported safely back in San Diego.

What few people saw coming next were;

• NK's September detonation of the world's largest explosion since China in 1992; ostensibly a hydrogen bomb of 250 kT
• a new sport of brazenly launching rockets over northern Japan rudely early in the morning at the weekends. 

Somehow these were the trigger for things to become personal again, with a speech at the UN labeling Kim Jong-Un 'Rocket Man' and 'suicidal'. While the name 'Rocket Man' speaks only to the author's limited wit and pre-school vocabulary, the term 'suicidal' carries much more ominous overtones. 

Put simply; if a leader is rational, he values self-preservation and can therefore be contained by negotiation, threats or deterrents. To call Kim suicidal is to suggest that he is not rational, cares not for his survival and therefore cannot be contained. Such an assessment would be the most convincing justification for a preemptive US strike to decapitate Kim's regime. In turn, this provides Kim with the most convincing (and rational) justification for a preemptive strike of his own. Therefore if the US actually have assessed Kim to be unstable (as opposed to just brutal with delusions of deity), then it is monumentally reckless to reveal this assessment, since once Kim knows this, it will be the surest path to inviting a preemptive strike by NK. 


https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/monkey-cage/wp/2017/09/20/would-trump-attack-north-korea-heres-what-we-learned-from-his-rocket-man-speech-at-the-u-n/?tid=pm_pop&utm_term=.124f687a54ff

Mr T's 'suicidal' comment suggests that in terms of strategic thinking, he still has not found time to read Sun Tzu's classic Art of War, despite misappropriating the title for his own Art of the Deal some 30 years ago.

Reckless reveals aside, Kim may well have got the upper hand  again; at least for upping the sophistication of the language used for trading insults. In response to the 'Rocket Man' quip, Kim referred to Mr T as a 'dotard', sending everyone scrambling for a dictionary, upon which most of us learned 4 new things; 

1. NK's dictionaries probably pre-date World War 1
2. 'dotard' originally meant 'imbecile' but later 'an old person who became weak and senile'
3. most of the Twittersphere shares Kim's opinion since the early days of the new administration - they just didn't have the same word for it
4. we are slowly slipping back into the cold war
   - does anyone want to revisit the 1980's ?

 

1986: Sting: Every Bomb You Make - courtesy Spitting Image

No lack of 'resolve' on the Korean Peninsula

After the deep chill of winter finally thaws, the sure sign that spring has sprung comes when Korea's famous cherry blossom starts to appear.  Trees bloom in a wave which rolls up the country from south to north, city by city, over a period of about 2 weeks. 

Cherry Blossom : winter finally over

This is not only a sure sign that March is upon us, but perhaps more ominously that the marching season has also returned. With tedious inevitability the North Korean govt is preparing another round of huge military parades to be staged in Pyongyang. April 15th marks the 105th birthday of Kim Il-Sung, founder of the Democratic People's Republic of Korea (DPRK), or perhaps more meaningfully, the start of the Kim dynasty's rise to power. Meanwhile April 25th marks the 85th anniversary of the founding of the Korean People's Army.

http://www.ibtimes.co.uk/north-korea-hints-massive-military-parade-mark-two-big-anniversaries-amid-nuclear-threats-1615074

https://www.theguardian.com/world/2015/feb/16/north-korea-kim-jong-il-birthday

Pyongyang's parades feature vast formations of people, arguably surpassing any US presidential inaugurations - and with nobody daring to dispute the official figures given to the media.

If past events are anything to go by, this is when Kim Jong-Un, the salad-dodging sabre-rattler with delusions of deity, will show the world the size of his weapons. Meanwhile intelligence analysts will use the same opportunity to comb through every pixel to see if the missiles on display are The Real Thing or just convincing cardboard models. If they are real, then what could be their likely range and payload capacity ?

"My hands are clean !"

"My hands are clean !" - obviously Kim Jong-Un's answer to awkward questions about February's assassination of his half brother Kim Jong-Nam with nerve agent VX in Kuala Lumpur airport. This conveniently eliminated any rivalry to the title of Super Supreme Leader, a post held by Kim Jong-Un since late 2011. At the same time, this incident confirmed that as well as wielding absolute power at home, feisty young Kim has a long reach and will not let his guard down, or indeed his hair down, with respect to adversaries at home or abroad. 

Simmer down
The last year saw simmering North-South tensions rise close to boiling point on several occasions with each short-sighted judgment by one side being compounded by another by the other side. Contributing factors (in no specific order) include;

• South Korea's (newly indicted, former) president Park abruptly curtailing all regular dialogue with counterparts in the north. Euphemistically this technique was described as; '...taking a tough line with the leadership in Pyongyang...'

• North Korea's resumption of processing nuclear fuel
  http://m.koreaherald.com/view.php?ud=20160817001026&ntn=0
  
  
• NK openly broadcasting code decryption numbers to secret agents stationed in South Korea
  http://m.koreatimes.co.kr/phone/news/view.jsp?req_newsidx=215656

• NK hacking SK's cyber military command centre
  http://www.bbc.com/news/world-asia-38219009

• NK's 5th nuclear detonation in January 2016 - claimed to be its first hydrogen bomb

• NK's 6th nuclear detonation in September 2016 - claimed to be its first nuclear payload which can be delivered by ballistic missile.

• NK's mostly successful launches of short and medium range ballistic missiles in February, March and April 2017

• SK's annual joint military exercises with the US in March 2017 under the guise of the Combined Forces Command to test battle readiness.

War Games

The annual Foal Eagle exercises of the Combined Forces Command
Jeux sans frontiers - "Whistling tunes we hide in the dunes at the seaside "

North Korea's often-cited justification for its nuclear weapons program is the need to be able to stave off an invasion by 'US imperialist forces and their allies' (= South Korea, Japan). NK claims that the evidence for this malicious intent is clear from the south's annual Foal Eagle joint military exercises. These were last held in March 2017 and typically involve 300,000 South Korean combat soldiers coordinating with a further 17,000 US troops to rehearse tactics and manoeuvres to repel an invasion by North Korea.  So while the south annually holds one of the world's largest military rehearsals to show its 'resolve' to deter aggression, the north develops weapons of mass destruction to, er, show its 'resolve' to deter aggression.

Kung Fu Panda
2016 saw the waters muddied further with proposals to install a US-supplied high-altitude missile-interception system (THAAD) in South Korea to destroy missiles fired by North Korea .  

THAAD: officially 'Terminal High Altitude Area Defence
Promoted as a gentlemen's missile interception system

This proposal soon pricked up the ears of the mighty Chinese Panda, which traditionally prefers to snooze through the tiffs and spats of other nations. Rightly or wrongly China believes that the THAAD radar system can see deep into Chinese territory and monitor China's own military operations. This is strongly denied by the US but China seems very certain of its information, suggesting that China may know more details about THAAD than the US thinks China knows.

In any event, the THAAD debacle has spurred the mighty Chinese Panda to demonstrate a little 'resolve' of its own, with a quietly understated reminder to Seoul just how much the South Korean economy depends on Chinese good will. Seoul's decision to accept THAAD was met with an immediate boycott of Korean stores in mainland China, with South Korea's Lotte department stores being forced to close almost all branches due to lack of custom. Simultaneously Chinese tour groups canceled visits to South Korea en mass while Chinese cruise ships decided to either bypass Korean ports or else the Chinese tourists simply declined to disembark after dropping anchor.        

http://shanghaiist.com/2017/03/13/chinese_tourists_refuse_jeju.php

The Chinese cruise ship Costa Serena docked in South Korea's holiday hot spot Jeju Island.
3,400 Chinese passengers on board, not one of which disembarked.
Lesson to South Korean govt: - don't poke The Panda 

What the Korean peninsula requires right now is a finely crafted mix of diplomacy, intelligence, experience and foresight. 
What is coming is an armada.

Newsflash #2: Rodman slams North Korea Nuke Test 'Lies'

Cruising through the crowd at a dizzying 6' 7" (2.01m), the NBA's Good-Boy-Gone-Rotten Rodman normally never needs to actually do anything controversial to get noticed. After all, the spotlight naturally follows him everywhere he goes; whether he's alone, sporting dyed hair, tattoos and facial piercings or with partners bathing in his flamboyant mix of celebrity and notoriety - Madonna and Carmen Electra to name just a few.  However today Rodman eclipsed all previous scurrilous stunts combined by claiming that not only was the media wrong about North Korea's secretive nuclear weapons tests, but that Rodman even blames himself for the entire international crisis.

Rodman sending mixed messages - which until now defy decryption

Rodman 6'7" and Electra 5'3" : "How's the weather up there tonight Dinkums ?" 

Cynics claim that since 2013, Rodman's unsanctioned, self-styled, booze and basketball-fueled train-wreck diplomacy has almost come off the rails during several high-profile visits to the one of the world's most oppressive regimes.  Rodman himself maintains that North Korea's diminutive Kim Jong-Un (5'1") is largely misunderstood, unfairly demonised and is simply doing a difficult job in hard times.  However even those who subscribe to Rodman's rose-tinted views found this week's claims more than a little unlikely. Rodman insisted that September's sensational media reports of NK's fifth nuclear test were wildly inaccurate and instead offered a seemingly innocent explanation.  

"I count Kim as my good friend for life; he's cool and like, I can read the man." explained Rodman, "Sure, back in 2013 I made some mistakes and accidentally shat on his mat a little.  How did I know that confirming our kinship by referring to Kim as my 'brother from another mother' could be taken so seriously ? Seems it was nothing short of heresy to imply that I was an offspring of the Kim dynasty. I mean like, as if, huh ? Anyway, it took a while but we got past that and now Kim and I have been in a good place since then."

Rodman explained that a dramatic 'near miss' during a recent visit gave some warning of the inevitable fall-out to come. "We spent much of the last basketball tour going through some like new techniques, sharing our best moves and stuff. The Koreans were really like getting into it. We also took quite a lot of quality time out deep underground in Kim's very own big-ass mancave. He's got like a lot of stuff fitted out down there but see, it's so deep underground and what with the rocks 'n' stuff, you just can't get no decent tv reception.  I mean back in the day you were happy to like twiddle around with a coat hanger thing to watch Star Trek on some black and white portable stuff but today it's gotta be like super HD or it ain't worth watching, am I right ? "

"So we had no choice; we broke out some of the new smartphones that we'd brought with us and uplinked into Kim's mancave wi-fi. It has got to be the world's coolest hangout; chillin' with the team streaming South Korean K-Pop down into like Kim's own crib. It was a real cool party; endless food, open bar, huge hot tub, karaoke in the sauna, stern-looking chicks wearing starched uniforms while toting guns an' ammo; I mean, what's not to like, huh ?  I'd go back there tomorrow." 

South Korea's party girls - no respectable North Korean mancave is complete without K-Pop

North Korea's party girls - no respectable party leader is complete without armed ballerinas

"And that's when it happened the first time," continued Rodman, "We left Kim's crib to return to the surface to warm up for the day's exhibition match.  We rode the elevator for like hundreds of metres back up to the sports hall and had just started our routine when there was like a massive blast from below.  The elevator doors were blown right out and there was smoke and rock dust and stuff everywhere, you know; it really wasn't cool. Of course the army piled in followed by people in biohazard suits, it was pretty chaotic for a while there and I already had some bad feeling that we were going to be held somehow responsible. However Kim's guys got the situation pretty much under control quite quickly and identified the cause of the blast."

"See, it's known all across Korea that the flaming hot kimchi stuff that they eat everyday is more or less like weapons grade material when stored in large quantities. Pound for pound it's proven to pack an explosive yield ten times higher than uranium or plutonium, which is why every Korean always stores kimchi at very low temperatures in fridges at home. Now see, at room temperature kimchi has to be handled in small quantities, which is why it's always served in those small side dishes at the table. Well anyways Kim's guys told us that one of the new smartphones that we'd left in his crib had set up some kinda 'electro-magnetic resonance' with the entire contents of Kim's massive personal kimchi coldstore. Within just a few minutes the phone, acting like a detonator, had started a chain reaction in the kimchi which then went super critical and blew the whole place sky high like a Bond movie. I mean, I apologised to Kim right there and then in front of everyone. After all we wrecked his crib outright; his manspace was violated, I felt bad for the man. But you know, like I keep telling everyone, Kim is cool, he saw it for what it was, an honest mistake. But this just shows that you gotta handle kimchi with the utmost respect and you gotta be even more careful with that new bad-ass Galaxy Note 007. There's simply no tellin' what those things are capable of."

License to kill: The Galaxy Note 007 -Now standard issue to all agents on Her Majesty's Secret Service and all reputable intelligence services worldwide

When failure is not an option, nobody does it better.
The Galaxy Note 007 - the ultimate 'fireball in your pocket' for discerning agents everywhere.