War of the Words

Relations between North Korea and the rest of the world are clearly sinking to a new low this year. Against a background of unprecedented military escalation and doubtful new sanctions the world's greatest egos have recently resumed trading personal insults to scorch each other via global headlines and soundbites.

Things became briefly personal in 2014 as western media led unflattering criticism of an iconic new hairstyle sported by Kim Jong-Un; the young Super Supreme Leader of the world's last best hope for totalitarianism-on-a-shoestring.

The Brits, normally a pillar of discretion, freely joined the melee offering corrective hair styling for anyone possessed enough to emulate the young dictator.

Poster in the window of a west London barber-shop offering to correct experimental errors.
Officials from the North Korean embassy were not amused.

http://www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/home-news/north-korea-calls-on-foreign-office-to-act-over-kim-jong-un-bad-hair-day-poster-9265144.html

Underlining its 'special relationship' with the US, the UK's Foreign Minister blathered effusely:

"Mr Kim's closely cropped, military style is totally unsuited for leadership.  Aspiring leaders of today's great nations are currently sporting the orange-blond flyaway look. It's totally impenetrable to all forms of common sense, tact or diplomacy, which is just perfect for a weekend's warmongering from the golf course or indeed for Brexit negotiations with Johnny Foreigner, Fwaaaahhh !"

Mr Trump and Mr Johnson - more often dazed than dazzling

A cabinet colleague of Mr Johnson wearing leopard print stilettos commented only on conditions of total anonymity:
"We have understood for a long time the vulgar meaning of the word 'Johnson' in the US.  Sadly in recent times this word has come to mean exactly the same thing here in the UK also.
I shall not be removed".

In this early round of personal mockery, public opinion tended to favour Mr Kim. Fashionistas agreed that the adventurous new hair style was very practical, keeps its shape well in strong wind, heavy rain and military exercises.  It also fits easily under a peaked cap while still allowing space to stash snacks or contraband for an emergency.  

John Travolta : Scientology never looked so "Phwoooor !"

http://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/2015/02/20/kim-jong-un-hair_n_6719792.html


By comparison the orange-blond flyaway, much like the wearer, responds erratically to all external influences, requires constant resetting, is notoriously difficult to contain and looks about as statesmanlike as a ginger tom in free fall.

Ginger tom in actual free-fall, novice politician in popularity free-all

2017 started predictably with the regular round of US-South Korea co-ordinated military defence drills in March. NK responded with the usual large military parades in Pyongyang. In April came an unusual announcement that the USS aircraft carrier Carl Vinson would be diverted to monitor the NK regime and 'show resolve', but by June this was revealed as something of a 'strategic misdirection' (or 'fake news') by the Whitehouse when the Vinson was reported safely back in San Diego.

What few people saw coming next were;

• NK's September detonation of the world's largest explosion since China in 1992; ostensibly a hydrogen bomb of 250 kT
• a new sport of brazenly launching rockets over northern Japan rudely early in the morning at the weekends. 

Somehow these were the trigger for things to become personal again, with a speech at the UN labeling Kim Jong-Un 'Rocket Man' and 'suicidal'. While the name 'Rocket Man' speaks only to the author's limited wit and pre-school vocabulary, the term 'suicidal' carries much more ominous overtones. 

Put simply; if a leader is rational, he values self-preservation and can therefore be contained by negotiation, threats or deterrents. To call Kim suicidal is to suggest that he is not rational, cares not for his survival and therefore cannot be contained. Such an assessment would be the most convincing justification for a preemptive US strike to decapitate Kim's regime. In turn, this provides Kim with the most convincing (and rational) justification for a preemptive strike of his own. Therefore if the US actually have assessed Kim to be unstable (as opposed to just brutal with delusions of deity), then it is monumentally reckless to reveal this assessment, since once Kim knows this, it will be the surest path to inviting a preemptive strike by NK. 


https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/monkey-cage/wp/2017/09/20/would-trump-attack-north-korea-heres-what-we-learned-from-his-rocket-man-speech-at-the-u-n/?tid=pm_pop&utm_term=.124f687a54ff

Mr T's 'suicidal' comment suggests that in terms of strategic thinking, he still has not found time to read Sun Tzu's classic Art of War, despite misappropriating the title for his own Art of the Deal some 30 years ago.

Reckless reveals aside, Kim may well have got the upper hand  again; at least for upping the sophistication of the language used for trading insults. In response to the 'Rocket Man' quip, Kim referred to Mr T as a 'dotard', sending everyone scrambling for a dictionary, upon which most of us learned 4 new things; 

1. NK's dictionaries probably pre-date World War 1
2. 'dotard' originally meant 'imbecile' but later 'an old person who became weak and senile'
3. most of the Twittersphere shares Kim's opinion since the early days of the new administration - they just didn't have the same word for it
4. we are slowly slipping back into the cold war
   - does anyone want to revisit the 1980's ?

 

1986: Sting: Every Bomb You Make - courtesy Spitting Image

Newsflash #2: Rodman slams North Korea Nuke Test 'Lies'

Cruising through the crowd at a dizzying 6' 7" (2.01m), the NBA's Good-Boy-Gone-Rotten Rodman normally never needs to actually do anything controversial to get noticed. After all, the spotlight naturally follows him everywhere he goes; whether he's alone, sporting dyed hair, tattoos and facial piercings or with partners bathing in his flamboyant mix of celebrity and notoriety - Madonna and Carmen Electra to name just a few.  However today Rodman eclipsed all previous scurrilous stunts combined by claiming that not only was the media wrong about North Korea's secretive nuclear weapons tests, but that Rodman even blames himself for the entire international crisis.

Rodman sending mixed messages - which until now defy decryption

Rodman 6'7" and Electra 5'3" : "How's the weather up there tonight Dinkums ?" 

Cynics claim that since 2013, Rodman's unsanctioned, self-styled, booze and basketball-fueled train-wreck diplomacy has almost come off the rails during several high-profile visits to the one of the world's most oppressive regimes.  Rodman himself maintains that North Korea's diminutive Kim Jong-Un (5'1") is largely misunderstood, unfairly demonised and is simply doing a difficult job in hard times.  However even those who subscribe to Rodman's rose-tinted views found this week's claims more than a little unlikely. Rodman insisted that September's sensational media reports of NK's fifth nuclear test were wildly inaccurate and instead offered a seemingly innocent explanation.  

"I count Kim as my good friend for life; he's cool and like, I can read the man." explained Rodman, "Sure, back in 2013 I made some mistakes and accidentally shat on his mat a little.  How did I know that confirming our kinship by referring to Kim as my 'brother from another mother' could be taken so seriously ? Seems it was nothing short of heresy to imply that I was an offspring of the Kim dynasty. I mean like, as if, huh ? Anyway, it took a while but we got past that and now Kim and I have been in a good place since then."

Rodman explained that a dramatic 'near miss' during a recent visit gave some warning of the inevitable fall-out to come. "We spent much of the last basketball tour going through some like new techniques, sharing our best moves and stuff. The Koreans were really like getting into it. We also took quite a lot of quality time out deep underground in Kim's very own big-ass mancave. He's got like a lot of stuff fitted out down there but see, it's so deep underground and what with the rocks 'n' stuff, you just can't get no decent tv reception.  I mean back in the day you were happy to like twiddle around with a coat hanger thing to watch Star Trek on some black and white portable stuff but today it's gotta be like super HD or it ain't worth watching, am I right ? "

"So we had no choice; we broke out some of the new smartphones that we'd brought with us and uplinked into Kim's mancave wi-fi. It has got to be the world's coolest hangout; chillin' with the team streaming South Korean K-Pop down into like Kim's own crib. It was a real cool party; endless food, open bar, huge hot tub, karaoke in the sauna, stern-looking chicks wearing starched uniforms while toting guns an' ammo; I mean, what's not to like, huh ?  I'd go back there tomorrow." 

South Korea's party girls - no respectable North Korean mancave is complete without K-Pop

North Korea's party girls - no respectable party leader is complete without armed ballerinas

"And that's when it happened the first time," continued Rodman, "We left Kim's crib to return to the surface to warm up for the day's exhibition match.  We rode the elevator for like hundreds of metres back up to the sports hall and had just started our routine when there was like a massive blast from below.  The elevator doors were blown right out and there was smoke and rock dust and stuff everywhere, you know; it really wasn't cool. Of course the army piled in followed by people in biohazard suits, it was pretty chaotic for a while there and I already had some bad feeling that we were going to be held somehow responsible. However Kim's guys got the situation pretty much under control quite quickly and identified the cause of the blast."

"See, it's known all across Korea that the flaming hot kimchi stuff that they eat everyday is more or less like weapons grade material when stored in large quantities. Pound for pound it's proven to pack an explosive yield ten times higher than uranium or plutonium, which is why every Korean always stores kimchi at very low temperatures in fridges at home. Now see, at room temperature kimchi has to be handled in small quantities, which is why it's always served in those small side dishes at the table. Well anyways Kim's guys told us that one of the new smartphones that we'd left in his crib had set up some kinda 'electro-magnetic resonance' with the entire contents of Kim's massive personal kimchi coldstore. Within just a few minutes the phone, acting like a detonator, had started a chain reaction in the kimchi which then went super critical and blew the whole place sky high like a Bond movie. I mean, I apologised to Kim right there and then in front of everyone. After all we wrecked his crib outright; his manspace was violated, I felt bad for the man. But you know, like I keep telling everyone, Kim is cool, he saw it for what it was, an honest mistake. But this just shows that you gotta handle kimchi with the utmost respect and you gotta be even more careful with that new bad-ass Galaxy Note 007. There's simply no tellin' what those things are capable of."

License to kill: The Galaxy Note 007 -Now standard issue to all agents on Her Majesty's Secret Service and all reputable intelligence services worldwide

When failure is not an option, nobody does it better.
The Galaxy Note 007 - the ultimate 'fireball in your pocket' for discerning agents everywhere.