Hiking in Korea - the Taoist answer to life, the universe and everything

One subject of traditional Chinese religious paintings is The Vinegar Tasters in which 3 men, representing Confucianism, Buddhism and Taoism together sample the taste of vinegar - a subtle allegory for life, no less.  The Confucian's face shows that he finds the taste unacceptably sour, the Buddhist's that he finds the taste disappointingly bitter while only the Taoist finds the taste agreeable.  

A modern version of the traditional Chinese illustration

The reactions of the Tasters illustrates the differences between the central tenets of Confucianism, Buddhism and Taoism.  Confucians find modern life sour; that is; spoiled, and sadly lacking compared with the higher standards of ancient times, heaven and the universe. They favour strict rules and veneration of ancestors to ensure that modern life exactly follows traditional values. By comparison Buddhists find modern life is full of distracting desires and illusions, the attempted attainment of which leads only to bitter disappointment and suffering. The solution is not to be seduced by the earthly 'world of dust' but to find peace in Nirvana - a state of No Wind. Meanwhile Taoists accept modern life as it is, enjoy it as much as possible and make what they can from it.  In short; when God gives you lemons, you should make lemonade.  

In Korea steep, wooded mountains cover as much as 70% of the country. Under these conditions, South Korea's distinctly Taoist response is to establish national parks all over the country, become a nation of mountain hikers and to get out there as often as possible.  

South Korea: more National Parks than you can shake a stick at.
Each mountain continuously bristles with the world's most fiercely accomplished hikers.

Foreigners are always impressed with the the serious dedication that Koreans commit to everything.  As with cycling, the nation's rival opiate, hiking commands only the very best, professional quality, purpose made equipment. A quick glimpse around any mountain top will quickly sort the wheat from the chaff.

Baegundae Peak (a modest 836m) overlooking north Seoul from Bukhansan National Park

Koreans are easily identified in this season's nature-with-neon themed body-glove attire which is simultaneously waterproof, wind proof, perspiration proof, self deodourising, erogenously stimulating and thermally self-regulating in weather conditions ranging from a broiling Venusian summer to an exceptional storm on Jupiter.  Note the full length sleeves (UV protection), full length length pants (protection from insects and thorns), perspiration-absorbent neck-scarfs, wide brimmed hats, shock-absorbing hiking poles, Everest-tested hiking boots with spare alpaca-fleece socks, NASA standard thermos flasks able to keep your beverage hot in the vacuum of space for 24 hours, 2kW LED flashlights to signal passing ships, airliners or satellites, intercontinental short-wave radios, geo-synchronous distress flares, bottled oxygen, all-weather tactile precision gloves, folding chairs, hammocks, wild boar repellent, thermally insulated ground mats, 127 function Swiss Army knife, tibia-fibia resetting/splinting kit, portable defibrillator, back-up power packs, two week's rations of gourmet fish-roe kimbap with tins of spam and bottles of makoli for back-up. Meanwhile foreigners are readily identifiable by their incongruous combinations of sandals, t-shirts, shorts, mirrored shades, unused tampon and whatever else they took to the pool yesterday.

Baegundae Peak: clothing aside, foreigners may also be identified by their belief that in an emergency they can spontaneously develop the power of wingless flight, therefore allowing them to perch on any precipice with impunity

For those hiking anywhere near the border with the Super Supreme Leader's People's Democratic Empire of New Nuclear North Korea, additional precautionary equipment includes Samsung-patented high visibility camouflage fatigues.  These incorporate bright luminous flecks woven into the standard military camouflage pattern to facilitate the rapid location and extraction of stray hikers from the DMZ by South Korean special forces while ensuring that the North Korean border patrols remain oblivious about their errant trekking.

Of course, whatever level of preparation you feel happy with, always remember that nothing is more important than timing. Nobody should be under the illusion that hiking in Korea is a good idea just because they feel like it. The chances are that if you feel like it, then virtually half the population may also be feeling like it. This is fine if you want the Costco-checkout-on-a-mountain-top experience, but otherwise think carefully about the right time to go.

The entrance to Chilgabsan Provincial Park
"I told you we should have gone to Costco"

Mother Nature overwhelmed - ultimately underwhelming

Of course today's gravitationally challenged sofa huggers and itinerant screenagers who are surgically connected to their keyboards may think that they are not up to climbing a mountain. Even if they can afford 3 month's rent for the correct equipment, perhaps they are not fit enough, they may not have the endurance or they can't find equally ruminant companions to trek with.  If this is you, then you can rest assured that no matter which trek you choose, climbing the actual mountain will be the easy part.  Invariably self-pity and shame will be the heaviest burdens which you will carry on the long and winding road to the summit.  

As you set out with a light heart and a spring in your step, you will feel buoyed by the large number of brightly coloured octogenarians and nonagenarians walking alongside. You give each of them a friendly nod, saying "Hi" and wishing them a great day on the mountain.  The camaraderie is welcome and comforting; after all, how hard can the climb be if these diminutive whisps can do it ? They weigh a little over 40kg, stand barely 150cm tall and the light can even be seen clear through their limbs when the sun is behind them. You barely notice how these sprites disappear around the curve ahead of you and then vanish entirely from view on the next stretch of the path.  

It is only after you complete the first third of the trek that you start to realise just how many of these old-timers have actually flitted past you already.  During the second third of the trek, you begin to hear your heart pounding in your ears and the blood slooshing through your carteroid artery; somewhere in your brain, something wants to pop.  Your legs feel like you have just returned to earth after 6 months in orbit.  Sweat trickles from your shoulder blades to the inside of your knees without stopping at your waistband.  Each breath feels like a gasp fought for on the scalding surface of Venus. You then wonder if you're hallucinating when the first group of these oldies reappear like phantoms in front of you, this time heading back down the mountain ! Yes, it's true they've done the peak and started heading down again while you're still only 2/3 of the way up.  Miraculously they haven't broken a sweat and none of them are even breathing heavy.  They recognise you too as you exchange pleasantries again before they give it to you right between the eyes; a look of condescending pity which says simply; "Hopeless Wretch".  It's an all-humbling moment when you realise that not only are you mortal, but you have been comprehensively routed, defeated and humiliated, kindly and politely by an opponent you were not even aware of.

Getting away from it all (along with everyone else !)

Wherever you choose to live, drive and survive, one important consideration is always vacations. Which interesting locations are within easy reach and how many days off can you get to explore them ?   

As a springboard for exploring east Asia, South Korea is ideally placed for scooting off to visit cultural and natural wonders such as Cambodia's temples of Siem Reap, Vietnam's Mekong Delta, the Philippines' volcanic archipelago, China's Forbidden City or (dare I say it ?) Japan's Mt Fuji - to name just a few.  Alternatively the commercial hubs of Singapore, Hong Kong, Kuala Lumpur and Shanghai are equally accessible.  Of course Hawaii, Guam and the whole of Australasia, are only slightly further afield.  

Surveys vary but in the global league table of public holidays, India seems to win outright with ~18 public holidays per year, mostly centred on numerous religious festivals. 

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/travel/maps-and-graphics/mapped-the-countries-that-have-the-most-bank-holidays/

However South Korea also does respectably well with ~16 days, of which 5 relate to historical national events such as liberation, foundation or war memorials, 4 relate to Lunar (Chinese) New Year (Seollal) and 3 relate to Thanksgiving (Chuseok).     

Chuseok, falling around the autumn equinox, is perhaps the most important of the year, combining two main concepts.  The first of these is reconnecting with family, including the veneration of ancestors. The second is to celebrate a successful harvest at the end of a long, hard summer tending the crops.  The veneration of ancestors means travel to the hometowns of deceased family, visiting their graves, cleaning their headstones, leaving food offerings and flowers, completing prayers and other rituals. Reconnecting with surviving family includes the preparation of large family meals, giving prayers of thanks and other traditional rituals.  For a couple or family visiting only the previous 2 generations, Chuseok requires meeting the parents of each partner and also the parents of each of those - either dead or alive.  

Given South Korea's unusually homogeneous population (96% Korean vs 4% foreigners) and the fact that 92% of the population live in cities (with 50% living in Seoul itself), this annual pilgrimage to reconnect the generations becomes a logistically formidable exercise in dashing from city to city.  

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Demographics_of_South_Korea

http://english.yonhapnews.co.kr/national/2016/08/25/0302000000AEN20160825009500320.html

Predictably, air and train tickets are pre-booked and sold out months in advance, leaving most people with little choice but to travel by road. Bus travel is an option for the minority of single travelers, however this is a highly competitive business at the best of times and does not come without its own risks.

   https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J_mZA_kcFMU

For couples and especially families (ie: 8 out of 10 people) there really is no alternative but to take their chances by car. Korea's rugged, mountainous terrain restricts highways to the valleys, so Chuseok becomes yet another endurance test as millions of cars compete to criss-cross the country through highway bottle-necks which routinely extend a 4 hour journey to 12 or 16 hours or more. 

http://www.koreatimesus.com/millions-of-s-koreans-hit-the-road-for-chuseok/

Chuseok traffic in Seoul - a greater exodus than Moses high-tailing it from Egypt

For those who are fortunate enough to hold a job in a national conglomerate (see previous posts on Chaebols), this arduous task is sweetened slightly by the fact that employees receive a generous Chuseok travel allowance of about US$ 5,000 (GBP 3,750), which is not something to be sniffed at.  It is a reflection of the importance of Chuseok that the conglomerates have maintained such extravagant allowances even in the face of some pretty dire corporate performances.  More prudent employers often give employees gifts for the house of the order of US$100-200. However between individuals, the most common thing to send to each other at Chuseok is invariably spam. Not the email variety, this is the original, unidentified-meat-in-a-can variety. 

During the dire circumstances of the 1950-53 Korea war, spam supplied as a simple, cheap, non-perishable staple to the US forces accidentally became a desperately sought-after luxury in the Korean community, obtainable only by those who were influential or very well connected.  In a starving, peasant economy, spam quickly achieved the most improbably high prestige.    

SPAM was developed in 1937 by Hormel foods in Austin Minnesota.It became a key supply to the military forces of the US, Britain and Russia.
By 2007 production exceeded 7bn tins - and the world population of 6.6bn people

Demand was such that after the war, Korean production started under license from Hormel by CJ CheilJedang Corp, then part of the Samsung Group. Over the last 60 years the prestige of spam has, if anything increased. As with most other luxury items in Korea, the perceived prestige of spam rests largely on the fact that it originated from abroad and it is sold at a 30% premium over other tinned meats.  

Spam consumption in South Korea has increased five fold from 2000 to 2013 alone. Koreans now proudly advise that they produce not only the greatest varieties of spam but also the best quality - better even than the original !  Not only is spam served routinely in quality restaurants, it is also promoted in soap operas, movies and advertising as a luxury food.  When exchanged as a gift spam still reflects great mutual honour and respect. Although regular tins of spam are available everywhere all year round at about US$ 3 per tin, this does not prevent buying frenzies before national holidays like Chuseok.  At such times retail outlets package 9 tins together with a couple of bottles of olive oil in a fancy presentation box and knock these out as gift sets for a wallet-buckling US$ 75.  

http://blogs.wsj.com/korearealtime/2014/09/05/in-korea-its-spam-time-of-year/

Astonishingly everyone happily scrambles to buy these, even knowing full well that after the vacation, the unsold gift sets will be reduced to clear at half the price. 

SPAM - defying all odds in South Korea since 1953

It is worth noting that in North Korea Chuseok is an entirely different affair. Official permission is still required to leave one's home town and is normally forbidden without exceptional circumstances. Even then the cost of such a permit, either via bribes or the official process puts this beyond the reaches of all but a wealthy and privileged elite in Pyongyang.  

I don't believe in Peter Pan, Frankenstein or Superman

One thing which guarantees that travel never gets boring is that the people you meet will always be at least slightly 'different' to anyone that you ever met before. Different means not only varied but sometimes quite odd and just occasionally, a tad spooky. Once on a train from Vienna to Paris, a chap briefly introduced himself before enthusing passionately about how lucky the British were to have Mrs Thatcher as their Prime Minister. Mrs T was admittedly at the zenith of her career so many subscribed to his point of view, although perhaps less of them feel the same now. When I asked what it was specifically about her that he admired so much, he said it was for her great leadership skills and the endless time she devoted to help less able governments solve their problems on other planets.

[Yes I'll pause here just so you can read that again.
My neurons also had trouble processing these signals]

If I hadn't been paying full attention up to this point, then I certainly did from that moment onward. Thinking that something was slightly amiss, I casually hugged my personal possessions a little closer before asking the chap to clarify a little further. He took this as an open invitation to describe the great difficulties that people have on other worlds, trying to live peacefully but in a constant state of conflict, under weak governments that were unable to help their citizens due to corrupt politicians and the threat of strong militaries. He observed sagely how problems were much the same everywhere that you look in the universe. How great it was therefore, that Mrs T could spare the time from her own busy schedule to consult with our galactic neighbours, to manage their crises and to guide them through their problems. While his belief in his idol suggested that fragments of this chap had already slipped into another dimension, in most respects his feet remained firmly based in our reality. For example he was fully aware that any galactic neighbours would be so far away that Mrs T couldn't actually go to these worlds to help in person; the best she could do was to advise long distance. In other words he may have blown one cylinder but he was getting along quite well firing on the other five.

One way in which people certainly differ is the way that they relate to sport. Some cheer from a safe distance, others get sweaty together in a team while a few indulge alone for a little reflection or self testing. Similarly, while some only dabble occasionally, others have regular fixtures while a few show a near religious devotion. In Korea cycling and hiking are far and away the preferred opiates of the masses and virtually everyone is hooked.

Despite its rugged, mountainous terrain, South Korea already benefits from almost 2,000 km of dedicated cycle lanes across the length and breadth of the country. Those along Seoul's River Han are extremely popular with people of all ages. 

http://english.visitkorea.or.kr/enu/ATR/SI_EN_3_6.jsp?cid=1898731

South Korea: paradise for cyclists  

The phenomenal popularity of the sport is undoubtedly due to the supporting infrastructure which goes well beyond a simple cycle path and an occasional bench.  At regular intervals there are 7-Elevens, coffee shops, bike shops, hire and repair stations, cleaned and maintained washrooms, outdoor gyms, courts for playing tennis, badminton and basketball. Everything is set up at regular intervals along the routes so that no matter what happens, you're never more than 10 minutes away from a helpful pit-stop, car park, bus stop or train station.  There are even elevators to cycle over-bridges and stairs with ramps to link the cycle routes together over the main auto routes.

Need to cross the highway ?
Use the cycle elevator or the stairs with cycle gutter rail

A quick glimpse at the global bicycle market reveals the following;

• In 1950 global automobile and bicycle production were approximately equal at 10 million units per year.
  By 2000 global automobile production increased to 40 million while global bicycle production increased to 100 million
  
• Global bicycle production in 2016 is estimated at 133 million units
• Globally China is the largest producer of and market for bicycles, producing 57% of the world's bicycles.
  In Europe Germany is the largest market for bicycles.
  http://www.persistencemarketresearch.com/market-research/bicycle-market.asp
• cycling and cycle accessories now account for one eighth of money we spend on sports.  It is now the largest single category in the worldwide sports market
  http://www.bike-eu.com/sales-trends/nieuws/2015/12/2014-global-cycling-market-valued-at-e-35-7-billion-10125262
• In a list of 10 European countries, the UK ranks 10th for the number of km cycled per person per day but 3rd for the number of people killed per 100km cycled
  http://www.ibike.org/library/statistics-data.htm

"You say Rolls I say Royce

You say God give me a choice

You say Lord I say Christ

I don't believe in Peter Pan, Frankenstein or Superman

All I wanna do is Bicycle..."

The video to Queen's 1978 single Bicycle Race featured 65 naked models.
Subsequently the video was either censored or banned outright in many countries worldwide.
As much fun as this must have been, it still didn't do for cycling what South Korea has done today.

Topless cyclists join Freddie on stage at Madison Square Gardens in Nov 1978.
Worldwide it did wonders for the sale of Queen albums, leather pants and thongs but precious little for bicycles

Perhaps uniquely in Korea there is no concept for 'entry level'; if you're into something, it's all-consuming.  Whether cycling alone, in pairs, in families or in teams, the cycling equipment itself is nothing short of top notch. It's not unlikely that the bike wheels alone set the owner back US$4,000 and the rest of the bike maybe 3 to 5 times as much. The whole thing together may weigh little more than 6kg and is so sleek that it is near-invisible when viewed from in front or behind. 

Equally there is no entry level for the rider's outfit, kit and accessories. No self respecting cyclist wears tennis shoes, basketball shorts, a football shirt, a skating helmet, or driving gloves. Cycling demands only the latest high-living, ever-giving, cool-fizzing, cycle-whizzing sportswear; the costs of which will certainly make your eyes water unless, of course, you're wearing your dedicated cycling sun shades ;)

All or nothing: if you're going to do something, do it right

The last generation could spend a year's salary on a new car. This generation can spend the same on a new bicycle.

The Dog Days of Summer

Endurance tests have long since become a cheap distraction with any number of increasingly tacky formats competing to see how long a person can sit on a block of ice, lie in a box of snakes or eat hot chilies before they give up, sit up or throw up. Mostly these trials are conjured up by reality TV for willing participants who are paid handsome fees according to their perceived entertainment value. However, back in real life some of us are annually subjected to impossibly cruel endurance tests, against our will with absolutely no chance of surrender, escape or relief. In Seoul, the worst of these tests is undoubtedly the Dog Days of Summer.

The Dog Days are generally the hottest, most humid and oppressive days of summer. The exact timing of the days drifts slightly from year to year, but begin with the rising of Sirius, the Dog Star, just before sunrise in late July or early August. 

Sirus the Dog Star (right) rising just before sunrise: this marks the start of the Dog Days of summer

In many western cultures the Dog Days used to mark an ominous period of summer fevers and/or languid apathy. In ancient Egypt they indicated the onset of the flooding of the Nile.  In Korea the Dog Days mark the warmest 30 days of the summer; starting 13 July and ending 12 August (in 2016). For farmers this is the peak of the growing season but for unfortunate city dwellers this is about as close to a vacation in flaming Hell that anyone wants to experience in this lifetime (or the next !).

Summer in the city -
 During the Dog Days, water is a must

Empirical measurements of temperature and humidity don't even begin to convey the tedium of the Dog Days in the city. Maximum daytime temperatures may hit 35'C/95'F with humidity exceeding 85%. Overnight minima may not fall much below 28'C/82'F with humidity touching 95%. However, what makes these suffocating conditions acutely testing is the near total lack of wind together with a day-after-day failure to provide even the briefest relief by virtue of a short shower or an occasional cloud.  This despite the humidity being almost high enough to be able to lick the moisture directly from the very air itself. As difficult, oppressive and fatiguing as these conditions become, they would be nothing special without adding a few crafty Korean twists to the misery.


It is about this time of year that some bright sparkie typically discovers something that should have been realised about 10 years earlier.  For example in May 2013 it was revealed that that the quality certificates for safety-critical cabling on 2 of the nation's nuclear power stations were faked. 


http://www.bloomberg.com/news/articles/2013-06-03/south-korea-issues-power-shortage-warning-amid-nuclear-stoppages

The incident rapidly spiraled into a total public relations meltdown as detailed investigation showed that the owner of the power station (Korean Energy and Power Company, KEPCO) actually colluded with suppliers to fake the quality certificates.

http://m.hankyung.com/apps/english.view?aid=201608121025281&category=

The Dog Days of 2013: unprecedented power shortages as a result of forged quality certificates

Orders were immediately given to shut down the affected reactors just two months before the start of the Dog Days. These unexpected shutdowns were not compensated by delaying the outage of any other power plants, so basically 2 weeks before the Dog Days, the country was already using about as much power as it could generate. In the head office of KEPCO, the display above the front desk showed that the country's grid was on the brink of collapse; power consumption was already 96.5% of the maximum available power generation.

Against this background, the govt issued emergency orders to reduce power consumption. Manufacturing production was staggered throughout the day to smooth out the peaks in demand. Escalators were rationed to operate during peak hours only. Meanwhile all government, corporate and retail premises were ordered to reset their air conditioning to only operate when temperatures exceeded 26'C/79'F.  Such premises included most places where people usually seek refuge from the scorching heat, including the subway systems, the shopping malls and offices. Of course, to show the nation how hardened its employees already are to hardship and sacrifice, Samsung execs directed that its thermostats would be reset to activate the aircon only above 28'C/82'F (see the above link to Bloomberg's article).  The Korean battle-cry of "Fighting !" was politely stifled around the offices as middle management hurriedly put their hands in their pockets to finance armfuls of ice lollies to prevent their teams from lapsing into comas.   

And so began 6 of the longest, least hygienic, most punishing weeks of life in the city. Each day hordes of hapless office dwellers were condemned to faithfully report to work, just to sit and experience what happens to a casserole when it is put in a slow cooker for 10 hours. By 10 in the morning people's socks were already squelching in their shoes.  By noon people were sitting in puddles of their own juices, pooled in the fabric of the seats of their chairs.  By 4pm the sweat was actually rolling off the back of their eyeballs and draining freely out through their ear canals as they desperately held the front of their shirt open in front of 4 feeble desk fans running full throttle from the USB ports of their laptops. Whatever this was, it sure wasn't civilisation.

Dog Days in the city - you wouldn't wish it on your best friend or your worst enemy !

The cynic'c post script to this episode is that the most valuable lesson learned from the 2013 debacle may not be that quality certificates should not be faked.  Rather the operators of government, corporate and retail premises learned how much they could reduce their electricity costs by rationing the use of escalators and air conditioning. Subsequently, since the Dog Days of 2013, despite no further critical power shortages, a more responsible use of power seems to have taken hold. Selected subway escalators still only operate in peak hours while the ambient temperatures in most large buildings are now sensibly higher than the super-cooled days before 2013. 




   

The Eternal Victim

While a strong sense of national pride can be found in many corners of the globe, there are few countries in which that pride is firmly rooted in the endless suffering of its citizens. Of course the worst kind of suffering comes from being a victim of others and so endless suffering means being the eternal victim. Far and away the world's most accomplished actors in the role of The Eternal Victim can be found in Korea. Whether it is historical victimisation by evil colonists, present victimisation by an upstart neighbour or being the future victim of a rapidly dwindling population, no opportunity is missed to don the mask of The Eternal Victim and then hobble feebly around the international stage reminding the world of their timeless, unjust suffering.

Politicians, the media and academics alike routinely exploit every opportunity to remind the nation that South Korea is, once again, the blameless victim of yet another injustice. As a former 'protectorate' of Japan, Korea was not only the victim of brutal Japanese colonialism but is still subject to Japanese imperialist claims over the disputed Dokdo/Takeshima Islands. 

The Dokdo/Takeshima Islands (also Liancourt Rocks)
46 acres of international tension

 As a neighbour of North Korea, South Korea is constantly being harassed by Kim Jong-Un, the 'Comrade of the North'. But of course it doesn't stop there; beyond North Korea there is a 'darkly conspiratorial China', 'deliberately refusing' to reign in North Korea so China may take advantage of the instability on the peninsula. Then there's any number of daily injustices reported in the media, including;

• Koreans are the real victims of the bombing of Hiroshima and Nagasaki;
  http://www.breitbart.com/national-security/2016/05/27/chinese-korean-media-attack-obama-hiroshima-apology/
  
  http://www.ndtv.com/world-news/south-korea-a-bomb-victims-angered-by-obamas-hiroshima-visit-1412418

• Koreans are the real victims of Japanese economic policy
  http://qz.com/66982/south-koreas-shock-gdp-slump-shows-abenomics-has-claimed-its-first-major-victim/

Since Japan has driven down the value ot the Yen,
Psy is reportedly the only Korean export to buck the trend of slowing growth of Korean GDP

• Koreans are the real victims of Japanese schoolbook propaganda
  http://world.kbs.co.kr/english/news/news_Po_detail.htm?No=117689

• South Koreans are the victims of North Korean espionage
http://www.koreaherald.com/view.php?ud=20160720000677

• South Koreans are the victims of everybody else's air pollution; industrial emissions from China, yellow dust from Mongolia's deserts, smoke from Indonesia's forest, etc, ad infinitum
  
  http://www.ibtimes.com/smog-korea-coal-power-plants-not-china-are-major-culprits-says-greenpeace-1835638
  
  

Curiously the media has not yet proffered a boffin to explain how these dangerously high levels of 'foreign pollution' concentrate in a cloud over the centre of Seoul while the rest of the country remains relatively unpolluted.  No doubt the first person to do this will become a national hero.

Air quality indices across South Korea on 10 Aug 2016.
Red indicators in and around Seoul show dangerously unhealthy concentrations of PM2.5 particles.
Pollution in the surrounding countryside are low by comparison 

Since the Korean war ended in 1953 and the emergence of two separate Koreas instead of one, South Korea took on the persona of the smallest kid in the playground; the one who is misunderstood, is especially vulnerable, has no friends to speak of and is regularly victimised by all the other kids in the neighbourhood. Fortunately the biggest kid in the playground flexed its muscles, pledged its unswerving support and so for decades the US has maintained a fully equipped deterrant of approx 30,000 troops in South Korea. The annual US/South Korean military drills on land, at sea and in the air are a regular show of that commitment. 

Observers might have hoped that with the huge clout of friends like the US, South Korea would have used its boosted international status to move past the mistakes of the colonial era, to bury the greivances of WW2, to mend fences and build new bridges with its neighbours and go on to take a leadership role in an economic community of south Asian powerhouses, through which to promote trade, prosperity and stability of the entire region. This would not be an unreasonable achievement for a hard-working, rapidly industrialising, wealthy nation with a little vision and firm US backing. Sadly, the inability to let the dust settle on the events of WW2 (which ended 70 years ago) and the penchance to mewl constantly about the injustice of it all to anyone who will listen, ultimately prove to be the defining characteristics of what could have been the most highly achieving nation of the modern era. 

Instead the smallest kid in the playground remains content to stand on the shoulders of the largest kid, from where it simply thumbs its nose at its neighbours and paints them all as the bad guys. While the little kid enjoys the comfort and security of an unassailable ally, he fails entirely to win any credibility or respect for himself in the playground. His neighbours look forward to the day then the biggest kid moves on, at which point the smallest kid will wish that he had made more friends when he had the chance. 

President Trump: Things that make you go; "Hmmm......"

http://www.bbc.com/news/world-asia-36423319

Newsflash #1: Seoul slams North Korean missile test reports

Life on the Korean peninsular entered a new era of wailing and gnashing of teeth this week as millions of South Koreans collectively deplored reports that North Korea has test-fired ballistic missiles into the sea. Howls of protest and outrage could be heard all the way from Seoul to Beijing as an alarmed South Korean public demanded to know why these missile tests had been so inaccurately reported and most importantly; who could be blamed for this diabolical conspiracy to undermine South Korea's global standing ?

North Korea test-fires ballistic missiles 500km into open sea - but which sea ?

United Nations Secretary General Mr Han So-Lo confirmed that on Tuesday July 19th, North Korea launched 3 ballistic missiles into a clear area of open water approximately 500km off the east coast of North Korea. Mr Han complained; “These missile launches were followed by frenzied, inaccurate and totally irresponsible reports by the international media that North Korea had fired ballistic missiles into the “Sea of Japan”. This is unacceptable, do you hear, me ? Totally unacceptable !”. 

Mr Han was clearly very tired and emotional, as evidenced by his occasional lifting of one eye-brow higher than the other, a perceptible half octave elevation in the pronunciation of his adjectives and twelve small green bottles sitting empty on the wall behind him. He continued by imploring the international community for more responsibility and restraint in its reporting of these events.


Correct reporting: missiles fired into "The East Sea";

http://english.chosun.com/site/data/html_dir/2016/07/20/2016072000730.html

Incorrect reporting: missiles fired into the "Sea of Japan";

http://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/asia/north-korea-ballistic-missiles-launched-sea-of-japan-south-korea-a7143816.html

http://www.bloomberg.com/news/articles/2016-07-19/north-korea-launches-ballistic-missiles-into-sea-of-japan

http://www.abc.net.au/news/2016-07-19/north-korea-fires-series-of-missiles-towards-sea-of-japan/7640358



Mr Han opined; 

“For the last 2 decades, South Korea has worked tirelessly and lobbied relentlessly on every continent and through literally scores of national and international pressure groups for the sea east of Korea to be re-named “The East Sea” . This is a key demonstration of our global resolve to bury all references to Japanese Imperialism and it has absolutely nothing to do with trying to belittle Japan on the international stage (honestly). 

"Admittedly we were initially discouraged when most organisations simply dismissed our campaign out of hand. They conveniently claimed that they had no jurisdiction to change a name which has been established multilaterally on charts, maps and navigation almanacs for centuries already. But as recently as 2014 we finally had our first breakthrough ! After also rejecting the idea at first, Virginia’s House of Delegates finally agreed to make it legally binding to show “The East Sea” as an alternative name to the “Sea of Japan” in all their approved state schoolbooks. 

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sea_of_Japan_naming_dispute

http://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/pandering-to-northern-vas-koreans-is-going-to-extremes/2014/08/19/f9032eea-271e-11e4-8593-da634b334390_story.html

"How reckless therefore, that these first small shoots of progress on this issue should be effectively obliterated by this week's totally inconsiderate global media reports. This has cruelly trampled all over South Korea’s hard-fought, hard-won hard work by thoughtlessly perpetuating the use of this imperious reference - and for what ?  Just to highlight some extravagant new fishing techniques being tested by Kim Jong-Un and his Pyongyang cronies in North Korea. 

"This callous reporting has set back our "East Sea" campaign years, decades even. It is shocking and outrageous and as such, totally unacceptable.” repeated Mr Han. 

At the end of a clearly impassioned speech Mr Han finally invited reporters to ask questions.  A representative of The Tokyo Times asked humbly if, given the outstanding success in Virginia, South Korea would now begin campaigning to change the "East China Sea" into "The South Sea". At this point Mr Han sat down sharply (on his assistant) and refused any more questions.

Mr Han warned that from this day onwards, South Korea demands sincere apologies from everyone, everywhere.  Also he demanded immediate assurances that all references to “The Sea of Japan” shall be deleted and that this mis-nomer shall never be used by anyone, ever again. Ever.

Ever wonder why you're alone in the world ?
The one common factor in all of your failed relationships is you ;)

Seoul Survival Skills: #1 The Poker Face

Anyone who enjoys their stand up comedy delivered dry like a vodka martini can appreciate the rare pleasure of an hour or so in the audience listening to Mr Jack Dee. His humour is as biting as his delivery appears effortless as he offers new perspectives on everyday events which you normally barely notice.

One evening at the Corn Exchange in Cambridge Mr Dee announced his great fortune at having taken delivery of his first baby some months earlier.  Said baby was incredibly strong, amazingly agile, inquisitive about everything within arm's reach, highly observant and a well-practiced mimic.  Mr Dee confided that in fact the whole parenting experience exposed him to an entirely new range of emotions which he had never believed possible; thoughts which he had never had before, and all so powerful that they defied his ability to put them into words. Dee reassured the audience with his trademark, dead-pan, poker face, that in all seriousness, there is no dictionary in any language anywhere which contains the vocabulary required to describe the thoughts, emotions and sheer disbelief which wracked every fibre of his being when he bent down to press the eject button on his VCR and out popped ..... a piece of cake !

There can be few places where poker face skills are more important to survival than Korea. Meals are just one of the many social arenas where one needs to be ready for just about anything which tests one's fight or flight reflex. Just for starters, take the everyday example of the innocuous oxtail soup.

Oxtail soup: this is what you thought you ordered.
You've had it at home every week since you were in diapers.

Oxtail soup: this is what they prepared in the kitchen.
The tail of the wretched animal flayed of its hide and sliced into its individual vertebrae.

Oxtail soup: this is what arrives at the table.
Each vertebra to be picked up with chopsticks and the meat to be sucked off with the lips.

Under these testing conditions, one must remember the basics;

• image is everything; in this case, maintain the illusion of mild-mannered, unflappable cool at all costs. Pretend not to have noticed that the soup was even served 
• cause no offence;
  remember that to be offended by the food is to offend the host and their choice
• express wonder, excitement and gratitude at the sheer novelty of the experience;
  Jean Giraudoux, George Burns and Alan Shore each agree that once we learn to fake sincerity then there is no end to what we can achieve.  Although such skill may admittedly be wasted on a mere lunch, consider it practice for the next inevitable emergency.

The next emergency may well occur at dinner with the time-honoured favourite Knee Bone Soup (Seolleongtang), containing the complete knee parts of the unfortunate animal whose tail provided such a challenging lunch.

Knee Bone soup: comes complete with bone, cartilage, gristle and all those other things that you relish for dinner 

http://english.visitkorea.or.kr/enu/FO/FO_EN_Recipes.jsp?cat1=21709&cat2=21715&cid=1035077

Although such traditional recipes are still very much a firm favourite with the older generation, these days some younger Koreans are starting to politely decline them in preference for something more appetising.

It is worth highlighting that the modern Korean diet is in fact a very healthy one; being focused on fresh meat and vegetables rather than lots of processed food and carbohydrates.  In common with much of Asia, seafood and seaweeds still form a larger proportion of the regular diet than in most western countries.  Live seafood restaurants are found everywhere, proudly displaying their fare in rows of large tanks in the front window to tempt hungry pedestrians.

Seafood and eat it, don't walk on by

However, even here one still needs to be prepared to maintain the well-practiced poker face if the food delivered to the table doesn't quite match expectations.

"Waiter, waiter, there's an octopus in my soup !"
Health warning: unverified anecdotes claim that the suckers often remain functional after cooking and can attach themselves to the inside of the esophagus if not chewed completely before swallowing.

  

Of course cooked octopus will immediately disappoint any Klingons who happen to be passing through this star sector. Therefore for those who prefer their food not only fresh and raw but actually wriggling, live octopus is just one service on offer.
(warning: not for the faint-hearted or for octophiles)

You flinched !  I saw you !