War of the Words

Relations between North Korea and the rest of the world are clearly sinking to a new low this year. Against a background of unprecedented military escalation and doubtful new sanctions the world's greatest egos have recently resumed trading personal insults to scorch each other via global headlines and soundbites.

Things became briefly personal in 2014 as western media led unflattering criticism of an iconic new hairstyle sported by Kim Jong-Un; the young Super Supreme Leader of the world's last best hope for totalitarianism-on-a-shoestring.

The Brits, normally a pillar of discretion, freely joined the melee offering corrective hair styling for anyone possessed enough to emulate the young dictator.

Poster in the window of a west London barber-shop offering to correct experimental errors.
Officials from the North Korean embassy were not amused.

http://www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/home-news/north-korea-calls-on-foreign-office-to-act-over-kim-jong-un-bad-hair-day-poster-9265144.html

Underlining its 'special relationship' with the US, the UK's Foreign Minister blathered effusely:

"Mr Kim's closely cropped, military style is totally unsuited for leadership.  Aspiring leaders of today's great nations are currently sporting the orange-blond flyaway look. It's totally impenetrable to all forms of common sense, tact or diplomacy, which is just perfect for a weekend's warmongering from the golf course or indeed for Brexit negotiations with Johnny Foreigner, Fwaaaahhh !"

Mr Trump and Mr Johnson - more often dazed than dazzling

A cabinet colleague of Mr Johnson wearing leopard print stilettos commented only on conditions of total anonymity:
"We have understood for a long time the vulgar meaning of the word 'Johnson' in the US.  Sadly in recent times this word has come to mean exactly the same thing here in the UK also.
I shall not be removed".

In this early round of personal mockery, public opinion tended to favour Mr Kim. Fashionistas agreed that the adventurous new hair style was very practical, keeps its shape well in strong wind, heavy rain and military exercises.  It also fits easily under a peaked cap while still allowing space to stash snacks or contraband for an emergency.  

John Travolta : Scientology never looked so "Phwoooor !"

http://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/2015/02/20/kim-jong-un-hair_n_6719792.html


By comparison the orange-blond flyaway, much like the wearer, responds erratically to all external influences, requires constant resetting, is notoriously difficult to contain and looks about as statesmanlike as a ginger tom in free fall.

Ginger tom in actual free-fall, novice politician in popularity free-all

2017 started predictably with the regular round of US-South Korea co-ordinated military defence drills in March. NK responded with the usual large military parades in Pyongyang. In April came an unusual announcement that the USS aircraft carrier Carl Vinson would be diverted to monitor the NK regime and 'show resolve', but by June this was revealed as something of a 'strategic misdirection' (or 'fake news') by the Whitehouse when the Vinson was reported safely back in San Diego.

What few people saw coming next were;

• NK's September detonation of the world's largest explosion since China in 1992; ostensibly a hydrogen bomb of 250 kT
• a new sport of brazenly launching rockets over northern Japan rudely early in the morning at the weekends. 

Somehow these were the trigger for things to become personal again, with a speech at the UN labeling Kim Jong-Un 'Rocket Man' and 'suicidal'. While the name 'Rocket Man' speaks only to the author's limited wit and pre-school vocabulary, the term 'suicidal' carries much more ominous overtones. 

Put simply; if a leader is rational, he values self-preservation and can therefore be contained by negotiation, threats or deterrents. To call Kim suicidal is to suggest that he is not rational, cares not for his survival and therefore cannot be contained. Such an assessment would be the most convincing justification for a preemptive US strike to decapitate Kim's regime. In turn, this provides Kim with the most convincing (and rational) justification for a preemptive strike of his own. Therefore if the US actually have assessed Kim to be unstable (as opposed to just brutal with delusions of deity), then it is monumentally reckless to reveal this assessment, since once Kim knows this, it will be the surest path to inviting a preemptive strike by NK. 


https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/monkey-cage/wp/2017/09/20/would-trump-attack-north-korea-heres-what-we-learned-from-his-rocket-man-speech-at-the-u-n/?tid=pm_pop&utm_term=.124f687a54ff

Mr T's 'suicidal' comment suggests that in terms of strategic thinking, he still has not found time to read Sun Tzu's classic Art of War, despite misappropriating the title for his own Art of the Deal some 30 years ago.

Reckless reveals aside, Kim may well have got the upper hand  again; at least for upping the sophistication of the language used for trading insults. In response to the 'Rocket Man' quip, Kim referred to Mr T as a 'dotard', sending everyone scrambling for a dictionary, upon which most of us learned 4 new things; 

1. NK's dictionaries probably pre-date World War 1
2. 'dotard' originally meant 'imbecile' but later 'an old person who became weak and senile'
3. most of the Twittersphere shares Kim's opinion since the early days of the new administration - they just didn't have the same word for it
4. we are slowly slipping back into the cold war
   - does anyone want to revisit the 1980's ?

 

1986: Sting: Every Bomb You Make - courtesy Spitting Image

Angry Birds - a disclaimer

With an uncharacteristic flurry of feathers the Federation Of Winged Laying-birds (FOWL) yesterday issued a full volley of protests over continued attempts to smear the fine reputation of chickens and other hardworking egg-laying birds around the globe.

Chicken Little Feet 

At Sunny Side Up, a state-of-the-art, solar powered, battery chicken egg farm outside of Washington DC, a US spokespers-hen addressed a packed press conference as follows;

"There is a fine line between political satire and callously belittling the hard-working avian population on whose wholesome eggs an estimated 3/4 of our nation go to work each morning.

These continuous and damaging sleights to the reputation of our fine workforce is something which we should never have to endure.

Of course we are not perfect.
We would even be the first to admit that as chickens we have certain unique behaviors which tend to define us.

These may include;

• small or bony feet 
• Bouffant golden quiffs 
• rounding suddenly on fellow fowl who crowd our space or challenge our supremacy 
• running around urgently in all directions to project the image of being busy without any substantial plan in in place 
• crowing out messages before dawn while the rest of the brood is asleep 
• Unnecessary clucking, wing flapping and aggressive posturing at trivial provocations 

But to caricature us this way is a mean and paltry insult; which deeply offends our rank and file. Going forward we must insist on more sensitive treatment of FOWL by the media.

For the sake of clarification we do not endorse the following in any way;

• hard boiled rhetoric
• soft boiled strategies
• completely scrambled tweets
• poached initiatives and of course  
• over-easy relationships with anyone from Russia.

We hope to have made ourselves eggstreamly clear on the matter.".

The Importance of Being ... well ... Important

Maybe it is the speed of modern life, or how complex we've made it, or how much of it we choose to ignore, which causes us to overlook many of the forces which secretly shape our existence. One of these unseen forces is undoubtedly queuing.  For sure we all have our own cynical observations about queues; 

• Your queue always moves the slowest ...

Until you change queues, then;

•  the queue you left will move faster than the one you moved to

• Whichever queue you join, no matter how short it looks, it will always take the longest for you to get served

• an Englishman, even if he is alone, forms an orderly queue of one

• etc, etc

The Full Monty : The Art of Queuing
perfected by the British in 1997

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H4wuH9pSSRo

Of course not all queues are the same and some are certainly more equal than others. There are several different types of queue depending on how the tasks are processed;

• process first in, first out
  eg; the line for casting your vote to elect a new president
• process the most important task first
  eg; which national leader to phone, un-nerve and gloat with after winning the nomination as president-elect

• process the most simple task first
  eg; explaining to a septuagenarian president with no political experience how a new administration is actually staffed
• process the shortest task first
  eg; appoint friends and relatives to key staff positions in said administration, thereby skipping any tedious selection procedures
• process last in, first out
  eg; choosing which order to repeal the legislation of the previous administration

• process the most urgent task first
  eg; sue any media describing golden showers in Russia

" 'Not nice !'  Let me say it again for you folks; that is 'NOT NICE' "

Many years ago a friend confided that to get the best seat at a good restaurant in Russia, one did not to book in advance, negotiate with the Maitre d' or wait for the desired table to become available.  One simply invited one's bodyguard to come along for dinner. Said bodyguard would casually walk over to the desired table, discretely open his jacket to reveal the 9mm semi-automatic dangling under his armpit.  The diners would readily stop eating and vacate the table, very quickly and above all, very politely.  It worked like a treat every time.  

In Korea queuing is at best 'experimental' and at worst merely a question of one's own self-importance. In other words, if you can convince yourself that your need (or your task) is more urgent than the others who are also waiting then you don't need to wait with them  - you can just prioritise yourself.

Most foreigners notice that something is wrong when first observing the permanently busy city streets.  Traffic protocols are modeled on the American drive-on-the-right system, including the option to turn right on a red signal if there is no traffic crossing the junction from the left. Of course important people such as those driving expensive imports, SUVs or chauffer driven company cars may exercise their own discretion as to what is 'right'. If they feel important enough and so inclined they may include what less important observers would normally consider as 'left' as also 'right' and so turn left on red, paying no attention to the rights of way of pedestrians sent scattering on crossings or the oncoming traffic, which may consequently have a little fender bender. This unenlightened behaviour is all the more remarkable, occurring as it does in a country which remains so steeped in traditional Confucian ideas about consideration for others.   

Unless you drive an important looking car

Meanwhile down in the subway queuing takes a comically surreal twist when combined with a little fevered competition. If you stand behind someone leaving enough clear space for someone else to insert a flat hand, then that hand will be followed by the attached arm, shoulder and torso, displacing you one row backwards before you've even had a chance to look up. The only guard against this is to achieve and maintain an indecent proximity to the person in front and to wear lots of padded clothing just in case this becomes more fun than it should.

A restless jostling for position heightens each time the train pulls into a station. Elbows are flexed in anticipation of the doors swishing open; then they're off. Try imagining an egg-and-spoon race combined with a sack race, this is a fair approximation. Holding their smartphones (iphones for boys, Galaxies for girls), in one hand, holding their skirts down with the other, shuffling at high speed but in half steps to maintain tight formation, the crowd resembles penguins tootling along a glacier anxious to plop off into the sea.

When the genetics for queuing were being distributed around Asia, the Koreans (amongst others) were clearly sulking in a corner and having none of it. Today's solution is of course technical, coming in the form of a little machine which offers you a number and invites you to wait until yours is called. They're in every bank, hospital, cinema and soon to be introduced at hot-dog stands I shouldn't wonder. However one demographic remains so important that tickets remain beneath them. These are not people of wealth, power or religion, these are simply old-timers. When you have seniority you don't need a foreign SUV to turn left on red and you definitely don't need a numbered ticket to help you queue. You just walk straight up to the powerless jobsworth at his desk and command whatever you want. And the cowering wretch will happily stop everything, instantly and do whatever they are told without question.

It is reassuring to know that such brash bluster could never occur in other countries especially those which have elected their oldest ever leader who in turn has appointed the oldest ever administration.

Donald Trump on John McCain,
"He’s not a war hero. 
He’s a war hero because he was captured. 
I like people that weren’t captured." 
 (Trump himself dodged the draft to avoid the Vietnam War)

The Eternal Victim

While a strong sense of national pride can be found in many corners of the globe, there are few countries in which that pride is firmly rooted in the endless suffering of its citizens. Of course the worst kind of suffering comes from being a victim of others and so endless suffering means being the eternal victim. Far and away the world's most accomplished actors in the role of The Eternal Victim can be found in Korea. Whether it is historical victimisation by evil colonists, present victimisation by an upstart neighbour or being the future victim of a rapidly dwindling population, no opportunity is missed to don the mask of The Eternal Victim and then hobble feebly around the international stage reminding the world of their timeless, unjust suffering.

Politicians, the media and academics alike routinely exploit every opportunity to remind the nation that South Korea is, once again, the blameless victim of yet another injustice. As a former 'protectorate' of Japan, Korea was not only the victim of brutal Japanese colonialism but is still subject to Japanese imperialist claims over the disputed Dokdo/Takeshima Islands. 

The Dokdo/Takeshima Islands (also Liancourt Rocks)
46 acres of international tension

 As a neighbour of North Korea, South Korea is constantly being harassed by Kim Jong-Un, the 'Comrade of the North'. But of course it doesn't stop there; beyond North Korea there is a 'darkly conspiratorial China', 'deliberately refusing' to reign in North Korea so China may take advantage of the instability on the peninsula. Then there's any number of daily injustices reported in the media, including;

• Koreans are the real victims of the bombing of Hiroshima and Nagasaki;
  http://www.breitbart.com/national-security/2016/05/27/chinese-korean-media-attack-obama-hiroshima-apology/
  
  http://www.ndtv.com/world-news/south-korea-a-bomb-victims-angered-by-obamas-hiroshima-visit-1412418

• Koreans are the real victims of Japanese economic policy
  http://qz.com/66982/south-koreas-shock-gdp-slump-shows-abenomics-has-claimed-its-first-major-victim/

Since Japan has driven down the value ot the Yen,
Psy is reportedly the only Korean export to buck the trend of slowing growth of Korean GDP

• Koreans are the real victims of Japanese schoolbook propaganda
  http://world.kbs.co.kr/english/news/news_Po_detail.htm?No=117689

• South Koreans are the victims of North Korean espionage
http://www.koreaherald.com/view.php?ud=20160720000677

• South Koreans are the victims of everybody else's air pollution; industrial emissions from China, yellow dust from Mongolia's deserts, smoke from Indonesia's forest, etc, ad infinitum
  
  http://www.ibtimes.com/smog-korea-coal-power-plants-not-china-are-major-culprits-says-greenpeace-1835638
  
  

Curiously the media has not yet proffered a boffin to explain how these dangerously high levels of 'foreign pollution' concentrate in a cloud over the centre of Seoul while the rest of the country remains relatively unpolluted.  No doubt the first person to do this will become a national hero.

Air quality indices across South Korea on 10 Aug 2016.
Red indicators in and around Seoul show dangerously unhealthy concentrations of PM2.5 particles.
Pollution in the surrounding countryside are low by comparison 

Since the Korean war ended in 1953 and the emergence of two separate Koreas instead of one, South Korea took on the persona of the smallest kid in the playground; the one who is misunderstood, is especially vulnerable, has no friends to speak of and is regularly victimised by all the other kids in the neighbourhood. Fortunately the biggest kid in the playground flexed its muscles, pledged its unswerving support and so for decades the US has maintained a fully equipped deterrant of approx 30,000 troops in South Korea. The annual US/South Korean military drills on land, at sea and in the air are a regular show of that commitment. 

Observers might have hoped that with the huge clout of friends like the US, South Korea would have used its boosted international status to move past the mistakes of the colonial era, to bury the greivances of WW2, to mend fences and build new bridges with its neighbours and go on to take a leadership role in an economic community of south Asian powerhouses, through which to promote trade, prosperity and stability of the entire region. This would not be an unreasonable achievement for a hard-working, rapidly industrialising, wealthy nation with a little vision and firm US backing. Sadly, the inability to let the dust settle on the events of WW2 (which ended 70 years ago) and the penchance to mewl constantly about the injustice of it all to anyone who will listen, ultimately prove to be the defining characteristics of what could have been the most highly achieving nation of the modern era. 

Instead the smallest kid in the playground remains content to stand on the shoulders of the largest kid, from where it simply thumbs its nose at its neighbours and paints them all as the bad guys. While the little kid enjoys the comfort and security of an unassailable ally, he fails entirely to win any credibility or respect for himself in the playground. His neighbours look forward to the day then the biggest kid moves on, at which point the smallest kid will wish that he had made more friends when he had the chance. 

President Trump: Things that make you go; "Hmmm......"

http://www.bbc.com/news/world-asia-36423319