Star Trek 14: The USS SmallHandSize

Meanwhile The United Federation of Planets continues to look to Starfleet Headquarters for a strategy to deter the warmongering Kimjonguns on the near fringes of the Delta Quadrant. The 'Kimmons' defiantly cling on to the assertions that they have the right to bear arms, develop their own weapons technology and to meet force with force if intimidated. This leaves Starfleet with only one option, to dispatch a heavy cruiser to the sector to show some 'resolve'.

Retired Captain James T Kirk, commented that back in the day, his Constitution class starship Enterprise would have been perfect for such a delicate mixture of strength, tact and diplomacy.

Kirk; Starfleet now has little use for the Constitution

"However these days Starfleet seems to have little use for the Constitution class. Instead they're sending nothing less than the fleet's new Ego class flagship the USS SmallHandSize."

Ego class flagship USS SmallHandSize - fitted with classified NC17 Pussygrabber technology

Starfleet confirmed the flagship has already been dispatched to 'monitor' the Kimjongun homeworld from close orbit and to 'be prepared' for any new weapons tests which might occur. Latest upgrades to the starship include the latest top secret 'NC17 Pussygrabber' technology. Starfleet declined to reveal details of what this does exactly but it is believed to address serious concerns logged by British captains Jagger and Richards who complained that they could get no satisfaction whatsoever from an earlier prototype installed on the HMS Marianne Faithfull.

In line with the Starfleet's current ethos to promote high profile businessmen and wealthy moguls over experienced politicians, the USS SmallHandSize will be captained by top Boston legal mind Captain Denny Crane; a man whose own extreme views and wandering rhetoric often receives very mixed reactions. When asked about nuking Iraq and Iran, Captain Crane casually replied;

"Sure, Before Breakfast"
"And then what ? North Korea ?"
"Ok"
"Pakistan ?"
"Why not ?"
"Afghanistan ?"
"If there's time"

Captain Crane : "Anybody can grow up to be president, that's what I say.
Except for Hillary.  She wins, I puke" 

Before departing space dock Captain Crane assured the media that he had the full weight of interplanetary law behind him.

"Any keen legal mind will tell you
(and remember, Denny Crane is still the best)

that this is first and foremost a Second Amendment issue.

We had the Second Amendment first, not the Kimjonguns.
Therefore we have the first right to bear arms, which means that they have diddly squat, if we say so.  And we do say so.
Being second to claim a Second Amendment doesn't count.
Either you claim a Second Amendment first or don't bother at all.

Sorry Kimjonguns; no cigar.
You know, mine are imported and rolled on the thighs of young virgins - they give you that firm, supple and vibrant-to-the-touch sensation every time you put one to your lips".

At which point a reporter asked; 

"But just a minute" before Captain Crane quickly cut the interview short declaring; 

"Mad cow, not a second to lose; lock and load - Denny Crane". 

A Starfleet spokeman explained that despite the new president being elected on a platform of 'Federation First' and 'Making The Federation Great Again', the president justified sending an armada to the Kimjongun homeworld;

"To prevent the bad guys from doing something very, very bad".

The spokesman continued;

"This is not only an unprecedented test of an untested president but also an untested test of an unprecedented president, not to mention a presidential test of untested precedents, and, erm, Advisor Rumsfeld, perhaps you can clarify a little ?". 

"Well it's like I said before; we have our basic known knowns; the things we know that we know. Then we have our known unknowns; the things that we know we don't know. But our weakness is our unknown unknowns; the things we don't know that we don't know."

At which point a Martian Chronicles reporter intervened; 

"But Sir, certainly it's good news if those in the know now know previously known or unknown unknowns ? 

Of course if our known or unknown unknowns are pretty much the same now as our known and unknown knowns were then, then that's not only bad news but certainly also bad intelligence, isn't it Sir ?" 

 At which point the spokesperson declared; 

"Eject that man he's a god-damned communist". 

To which security replied; 

"Well who knew ?"

The spokesman then handed over to Colonel Kernel and Space Marshal Martial to continue the briefing;

"The new Ego class USS SmallHandSize is the most advanced ship ever constructed by Starfleet. It uses a next generation Di-lie-thium matrix to convert anti truths, post truths, half truths, fake news and alternative truths into facts. This allows the ship to reach top speeds of Fact Warper 12 - the highest faster-than-truth speeds ever achieved. Basically this guarantees that Captain Crane can reach anywhere in the galaxy faster than the truth can catch up with him."

At this point the briefing descended first into farce and then straight into oblivion. 

"Live long and prosper" - except on the Kimjongun homeworld, obviously.