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| Apocalypse Now: make sure your last meal is the Nuclear Bomb Burger - only USD $4 with a soft drink |
In the last two weeks Kim has launched so many tirades it is difficult to know which is his favourite form of destruction right now. Will he make good on an early promise to wipe the US from the face of the Earth in a sea of fire ? Or will he be content to just sink a passing aircraft carrier with 'a hole in one' ?
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| USS Carl Vinson: diverting to make a hot spot even hotter ! |
Don't forget his ominous threats to annihilate any allies which stand together with the US: - Australia has already irked the young warrior once this week, as has Japan several times over. It's becoming hard to keep track of all of young Kim's enemies and the feast of options on the table before him. One nation not yet in Kim's bad books is the Giant Chinese Panda; but how long will it be before telephone calls from Kim's arch nemesis President T to Kim's neighbour President Xi finally leave the panda with dirty paws ?
Let's hope the young emperor can handle all this international attention, the pressure of military leadership and this undoubted test of his stamina without an accidental premature ejection of his nuclear weapon.
Come what may, you can rest in peace knowing that the Korea Broadcasting Service will bring you the very best, split-second reportage right through your End of Days and into the aftermath.
Let's hope the young emperor can handle all this international attention, the pressure of military leadership and this undoubted test of his stamina without an accidental premature ejection of his nuclear weapon.
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| Keep cool to avoid premature ejection |
Come what may, you can rest in peace knowing that the Korea Broadcasting Service will bring you the very best, split-second reportage right through your End of Days and into the aftermath.
KBS' intrepid reporters will be live on location (well, initially at least) to relay updates of the whole shooting match as it happens. Our front line reporters have been dispatched literally to the front line; along the full length of the DMZ from where they will bring you blow by blow accounts of incursions by either side.
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| Standard issue South Korean military rucksack - note the flag and name fixed by velcro so they can be quickly exchanged for North Korean flag and name to facilitate a hasty retreat |
Our favourite K-Pop girl group ME4Uranium235 will be cheering our forces as they race headlong into oblivion.
Meanwhile high speed coverage will be brought to you in glorious ultra high definition by KBS's sports reporters located on the nation's highest peaks. From there they will capture the full splendour of mushroom-shaped vapour clouds bursting over our mountains and the searing nuclear firestorms as they rage across the peaks and through the valleys incinerating every last trace of vegetation and human activity in their wake.
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Ain't no mountain high enough to keep our reportage from you
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Of course, for those of you who are too busy to watch these spectacular events live, KBS shall be screening repeats each night after 9pm with special edited highlights condensed into a 2 hour souvenir spectacular to be shown on Sunday evening.
And now as we wait for the nail-biting escalation to the final countdown, let's see how some foreign visitors are preparing for the inevitable. Earlier today we spoke to two embassy officials Bob and Mable who arrived 3 years ago.
Presenter: So Bob, Mable, both of you obviously decided to stay here in Seoul for the grand finale. Firstly what are your impressions of the infamous Mr Kim ?
Mable: Well frankly we are both very disappointed; he is just a horrid little schoolboy without any class, isn't he ? We have lived under the best dictators of the 20th century and we can tell you honestly, this little Kim barely deserves the title.
Bob: Hmm
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| Gaddaffi: punctual |
Mable: We spent 3 years in Tripoli with that Colonel Gaddaffi. Now he was a real professional; military man of course. You could set your watch by his firing squads; his prisoners were always dead on time, 11am, no matter what the charge, the evidence or the verdict. Always small calibre rifles at close range, never any mess and not even enough noise to interrupt your focus when completing the crossword with a croissant in the café across the square .
Bob: Hmm
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| Saddam: Panache |
Mable: Then we spent 5 years in Baghdad under Saddam. He was an executioner's executioner; knew what he enjoyed and how to enjoy it. Pure showmanship, real panache; left everyone in awe. But finally the crucifixions became a bit much. Instead of a slow, quiet process that you could peek in on from day to day, he started to smash their knee joints and leg bones with iron bars to prevent them standing. There was so much howling and bone crunching. You can no longer call it a family event when your children start crying because their squeamish nanny has passed out and dropped their ice creams again. She was such an embarrasment that finally we had to stop going.
Bob: Hmm
Mable: As for this Kim, he has no taste, no style, no finesse. An execution by rocket launcher is hardly statesmanlike is it ? It's just pure gangster. And being set upon by ravenous dogs ? To much 'Game of Thrones' obviously. Nuclear tests and missile launches at 6:20 in the morning ? It is self evident, he has no decorum, All that good education wasted. Very disappointing indeed. As I keep saying to Bob: "Kim JongUn is a wrong 'un".
Bob: Hmm
Presenter: So what can you tell us about your personal countdown to cataclysm ?
Mabel: Well I know what to expect; to be incinerated at some ungodly hour with my hair in a net and my teeth in a glass beside the bed while I sleep. Nothing short of barbaric. Decent folks deserve annihilation some time after 10am. That would give us time for a hearty last breakfast with a few extra bacon rashers since we won't ever have to work them off. Then just an hour or two to feed the fish, shampoo the dog, take out the trash and check the lottery tickets. About 10:30 would be perfect, any later and I'll start feeling peckish before lunch.
Bob: Hmm
Presenter: I am afraid I have to stop you there ... KBS has reports from Seoul where people are desperately waiting the government's decision on the only issue more apocalyptic than the apocalypse. It's an issue which has vexed our rulers since the late 1300's and been the unbearable burden of every govt in modern times; The Egg Conundrums. Which end of the egg is the top and which is the bottom, also which is the correct end to break to eat the contents and ...
POOOOOOF !
President Xi: Consider yourself evicted.
There will now be an intermission of 20 years while Chinese language, government, administration, social hieracy and religion are formally re-established on the peninsular.
It's all about the long game innit ?
Mwhooor-hooor-hooor ......
[Menacing laughter and cackling fades to distance]
Bob: Well it was sure nice talking to you guys.
Armageddon out'ta here !
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