Out And About In Hong Kong

Bob Dylan: more relevant than ever to politicians on both sides of The Pond;
"Don't criticise what you can't understand"

Last August, one of the most cocky spring chickens of the 1960s confidently ambled onto a modest stage perched in the cavernous rafters of Hong Kong's vast Convention & Exhibition Centre. Now a venerated old bird, at the rude old age of 77 a comfortably craggy Bob Dylan took centre stage to crow out, once again, that amongst many other certainties in life, we are all "...gonna have to serve somebody". In perhaps no other city in the world is this truth more seamlessly woven through the daily lives of its inhabitants. Endless pages have been written about old Hong Kong; from the opium wars to the Kowloon Walled City. Perhaps more has been written about modern Hong Kong; the lavish skyscrapers by Sir Norman Frosty or the 'new' Chek Lap Kok airport built in the sea. However for a huge number of people in Hong Kong, life is all about service. 

The Kowloon Walled City before demolition in 1993;
a one-stop-shop for opium, women and gambling, courtesy of local triads

https://www.businessinsider.com/kowloon-walled-city-photos-2015-2/?IR=T/#the-walled-city-had-its-own-micro-climate-according-to-girard-due-to-the-massive-amounts-of-tubing-wires-and-open-gutters-snaking-through-the-building-the-lower-levels-were-constantly-hot-humid-and-damp-23

https://www.scmp.com/news/hong-kong/article/1191748/kowloon-walled-city-life-city-darkness

Spielbergian skies over Hong Kong Island's famous northern waterfront 
- transformed by prestige architects

Anyone in primary school in the 70s will remember most of their toys were stamped with the familiar words 'Made in Hong Kong'. However by the early 80s, China's social reforms encouraged most of HK's manufacturing to move to the mainland, together with much of its male workforce. 

While HK's departing industry was quickly replaced by service businesses such as finance and consulting, the departing male workers were quickly replaced by Hong Kongese women.  Then suddenly family households needed cooks, cleaners and nannies (Domestic Helpers, DH) at home.  This coincided neatly with the policy of the Philippines' wily president Marcos to export all of his problematic unemployed abroad. He was very successful and in the 20 years which followed, Indonesia, Thailand, Sri Lanka and Nepal also tried their luck with the same Marcos model. 

View from Hong Kong over Victoria Harbour to Kowloon.
Now a monument to finance and consulting.

In Korea in 2015 it was estimated that 2.5% of families employed a Domestic Helper (DH). These are almost exclusively Chinese-Koreans since immigration laws restrict such work to ethnic Koreans only. This is designed to avoid the (perceived negative) impact of foreign cultural contamination in Korean homes.  The policy not only runs contrary to foreign teachers being allowed to teach English to school children but also the fact that many parents consider an English-speaking nanny as a learning advantage for their children.  However, as the law stands, it is taken very seriously by Immigration, as Korean Air heiress Heather Cho found out in 2018.

Heather Cho, celebrated for commandeering a departing plane on the tarmac at JFK airport because she was served macadamia nuts without a silver tray, this time answering allegations that she circumvented immigration law by hiring Filipino Domestic Helpers as 'Korean Air trainees' 

https://coconuts.co/manila/news/korean-air-heiress-infamous-airplane-nut-rage-accused-hiring-filipino-domestic-workers-illegally/

http://m.koreaherald.com/view.php?ud=20180617000217#cb 

In a total Korean population of 50m people, estimates are that 30,000 to 80,000 people work as DHs, typically earning just under US$1,000 per month. 

By comparison, up to 33% of Hong Kongese families are estimated to hire DHs, amounting to 350,000 people or 5% of a total HK population of 7.5m. DHs are almost all female, split 50:50 Filipino:Indonesian, mostly in the age range 20 to 45 and typically earning US$500 per month.

In Hong Kong, DHs are legally obliged to live with their employers. Their day starts very early as they prepare breakfast for the family, get children washed and dressed for school and quite possibly deliver them to school also. The day is then filled with food shopping, cooking, washing, cleaning and then collecting children, feeding them, washing them and getting them to bed before the return of the parent(s). 

There is a lot to do so it is a long day, often finishing after 9pm, which explains why most DHs are not highly visible Monday to Saturday. Sunday however is the customary day off, when many DHs go to worship before collecting in the city's parks and open spaces to share food with friends, make video calls to the family back home and to fall asleep in the shade to the comforting background chatter of their native tongue.

Road closed for dancing in the street; a typical Sunday in Central in HK
Domestic Helpers set up impromptu food and dance parties in the city's open spaces.

Noodles and kick-boxing make for a relaxing afternoon

'Pretty maids all in a row';
Sunday in the park after worship; headscarved Indonesians to the left and Filipinas to the right.

While a foreigner in Korea still usually finds themselves the only non-Korean on the subway, in the supermarket or at the bar, in HK the ethnic mix could not be more complete. There are people from every corner of the world attracted by the combination of high salaries, low taxation and lenient requirements for work permits and residency. Of course in mid-summer this still feels like miserable compensation for the infernal heat and oppressive humidity. To adapt an old line from General Sheridan; "If I owned Hong Kong and Hell, I'd rent out Hong Kong and live in Hell." 

https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Philip_Sheridan

Permanent residency can be acquired after 7 years of living legally  in Hong Kong.  However, controversially, this excludes people working as Domestic Helpers.  Some have mounted legal challenges to this but so far these failed.

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Vallejos_v_Commissioner_of_Registration

Although English serves to connect most people in HK, it is interesting to note that a common language does not in itself deliver real social integration.  On Sundays it is quite normal to see a group of Filipinas having an impromptu zumba under some trees while head-scarved Indonesians sit reading and chatting in a separate group nearby. Meanwhile two blocks away there will be English, Irish, Aussies and Yanks downing beers and following their own national sports in their separate home-styled bars.  This shows that social integration occurs between people with shared histories, experiences, values and beliefs; it requires much more than simply speaking a common language.  

Braving a summer squall in Taymar Park: an open air screening of The Rocky Horror Picture Show (1975) attracts people of all nationalities to come and get wet together

If there is any ethnic-unifying culture in Hong Kong then this is most visibly simply money.  The striking number of jewelry shops, even in the most bland malls and socially humble residential areas shows a pre-occupation with bling; see and be seen, get it and show it to everyone on My-Life-Is-Better-Than-Yours.com

A Lotus get-away car for the groom; cheap and tacky but unusual
(just like his boots and haircut) 

Anyone taking the popular, open-topped city tour bus ride will have seen The Pawn as they pass all the famous land marks of Hong Kong.  The building dates from 1881, was formerly a pawn shop and was since reinvented as an upmarket bar and restaurant.  Here you can take green tea on the balcony while peering down your nose at the great unwashed for just US$14; the same list price as the Guinness.  Bottles of spirits are priced at 5 times their respective duty free prices, which puts a bottle of champagne at about US$350.  At such places it is unremarkable to see a young couple, barely in their 20s, order a bottle of Moet, drink one glass each while waiting for friends and then leave the rest of the bottle as they move onto their next venue.  

The Pawn on Johnston Rd, Wanchai

Hong Kong's WanChai; a place where the high-life and low-life rub shoulders.
If you drop US$300,000 you can walk out with a McLaren on 20" wheels.
If you drop US$300 you can walk out with an hour's worth of intimate company on 3" heels.
Good quality rubber is essential for both options.

A six-decked yacht named 'Diamonds are Forever'
sits idle month after month in a marina overlooked by the Gold Coast Hotel

Proving that absurd advertising does not detract from its success.
The current must-have item for HK's male and female professionals alike
- chunky gent's watches by Omega, or at least, strikingly good imitations thereof.

As a social model, HK demonstrates how different cultures can live, drive and survive together without being assimilated into the culture of the host country. A healthy mutual respect, a live-and-let-live attitude and a common observance of the law can be enough.  This should reassure those Koreans who are increasingly panicked by the popular media about the rising numbers of foreigners in Korea and the potential erosion of Korean culture. 

Just Say "Aaaggghhhh !"

Alien 1979: "In space, no one can hear you scream".
In any competition  involving teeth, Korea wins every time

This week Seoul was chosen as the South Korean city which will  bid jointly with North Korea for the Olympic Games of 2032.  

http://www.koreaherald.com/view.php?ud=20190211000920&ACE_SEARCH=1

It is hard to believe that 30 years have already passed since South Korea boldly hosted the summer Olympics of 1988. These games would go down in history as the event which proudly launched the Korean sport of Oral Hygiene (OH) into the global arena for the very first time. Viewers around the world sat speechless as the host nation carried away every gold, silver and bronze medal, effortlessly beating all foreign competition in every single OH event. 

First up was the eye-wateringly fast 15-Second Power-Brush Dash; ideal just before kissing and caressing or just after a secret cigarette. Then came the precision events such as the Single-handed Interdental Floss. These demonstrated skills patiently perfected over centuries into a near art form by Korean Buddhist Masters to remove their main diet of leafy greens from  between their rear molars. There were also an impresssive range of endurance events such as the Double-Handed Foam Marathon. This showed us for the first time how two beads of toothpaste can be whipped up into an entire mouthfull of foam, with all the uncompromising firmness of a Korean mattress, in just under 20 minutes. Of course the reasons for creating this foam still remain as opaque as, well, the foam itself really. In any case, with these unique and admittedly imaginative skills, South Korea instantly positioned itself at the cleaning edge of global Oral Hygiene. The rest of the world would have to brush up and catch up. 

From such unlikely beginnings, Korea's great Heroes of '88 were instantly immortalized as their as Oral Hygiene routines soon became ritual and are now observed in daily life with the same discipline one would expect of any finely-honed military unit. Official advice is to strictly follow the 3-3-3 concept, that is; to brush 3 times per day, for 3 minutes each time,  within 3 minutes of eating food. Yes. Seriously. Within 3 minutes of eating food.

https://journals.lww.com/md-journal/fulltext/2017/02170/Association_between_oral_health_behavior_and.62.aspx

Sharing is caring: brush together

Lunchtimes for office-dwellers are therefore characterised by fast and furious food around noon, then by a sharp sprint to the washroom armed with brushes, pastes and any number of the latest accessories. Of course the number of sinks are limited so an orderly queue is observed, with obvious deference to seniors who can slip in front of juniors any time, at their leisure. 

Guys in a hurry can at least use an additional evolutionary advantage to jump the queues; they can brush their teeth while standing at the urinals. Given a little practice with a well-disciplined Trouser Snake, one can urinate quite deftly while brushing one's teeth with one hand and posting on Facebook with the other hand. Those who eat a larger lunch take their brushes and mobiles into the cubicles to somehow combine their ablutions and social media updates at a more relaxed pace while seated. It is little wonder that recent studies showed 18 times more bacteria on the average smart phone than on the average toilet flush handle. 

http://time.com/4908654/cell-phone-bacteria/

None of this means that Oral Hygiene is in any way limited to mere tooth brushing. Frenzied brushing of the teeth in proscribed sets of horizontal, vertical and orbital motions, is merely  a cunning warm-up to flex the finger  muscles required for the more demanding tasks to follow. The first of these is the slow, methodical root-to-tip pressure-scrubbing of the top surface of the fully extended tongue. It amounts to scouring your most sensitive erogenous zone in front of the mirror in public. 

Tongue-scrubbing

Next follows the vigorous up-down scraping of the inside walls of the cheeks, which gives the impression of a large, trapped insect trying to claw its way out from inside the mouth. Finally comes a complete brush down of the entire roof of the mouth. The first time you see this you cannot help wonder if the person is trying to hook the base of their brain so they can pull it out via the soft palate. 

Evidently none of the above are effective unless followed by a complete ensemble of deep throat gargling, three intense mouth-rinse cycles and finally hacking up phlem from the deepest, darkest reaches of the trachea. All of these are accompanied by their own personal combination of gutteral grunts, groans and roars which are normally only heard from moody Scots at Wimbledon.

Game, set and match

No Sex Please I'm British

Puffer jackets - now a near fetish in Korea 

The silly season has definitely returned to Seoul this winter as December heralded a third consecutive year of obsession-near-fetish as students and adults alike competed to drop anything upwards of US$750 on identical, almost invariably black, ankle-length, duck down quilted 'caterpillar coats'. The knee length or waist length coats of previous years are strictly passé so it is best not to attempt a personal fashion revival by pulling either of these out of the wardrobe - even if you are still paying off the loan for them ! This will just get you de-listed from every event on your social calendar and will guarantee you your very own spotlight on social media. 

https://www.businessoffashion.com/articles/global-currents/why-puffer-jackets-are-so-popular-in-korea

Size does matter; the guy on the right is going home alone tonight 

If you cannot afford the Full Monty this year then just stay home in your PJs with Netflix. This confirms you are one of life's 'little people'. 

Life's 'Little People' in Seoul Station subway,
taking refuge from temperatures of -15°C in their own padded sleeping bags

Of course, if you can afford to wear what looks like the sleeping bag in which you slept in the subway with the hobos last night, then your style has triumphed over your common sense and you can proudly strut that shapeless, sexless but inexplicably coveted Michelin Man look all over town. 

High school competition is fierce; the longer the better

Aside from the astonishing price of the coats, the social pressure to have the 'reassuringly expensive' brand 'because you're worth it' (brainwashing legacies of Stella Artois and L'Oreal respectively) and the fact the coats will be re-styled next season and therefore obviously unwearable, is the sheer incredible bulk of the coats. They instantly endow a 60kg whispish rake of an office boy with the commanding profile of a Kiwi scrum half. These coats transform a person's stature just like Steve Rogers / Captain America before and after the treatment. All this comes to a head during rush hour on the subway where normal overcrowding is already a game of groans. 

Rush hour on the Seoul subway: busy 

Seoul commuters are quite accustomed to packing into carriages so tightly that anyone can happily fall asleep standing up without any risk of falling over, since there is quite literally no space to fall into. The tight crush of people exerts a supporting pressure on everyone like a jar full of toothpicks. Of course, a carriage is never full; if nobody exits at a particular stop, everyone has to bunch up to accommodate the new onboards. The danger point is recognised when commuters spontaneously begin 'synchronised breathing'. This is when one person inhales while the person next to them exhales; because if everybody inhaled at the same time then the person with the weakest ribs will simply implode into a soggy mess. This is not only traumatic for their travelling companions but also highly inconvenient for the cleaners. The health risks of overpacking become clear whenever the train brakes harshly or lurches on a sharp curve. This is followed by a wave of popping sounds as the shoulders and hips of the most fragile commuters gently dislocate and then re-engage as a surge of crowd-pressure ripples through the carriage.

At peak hours the crush is so acute that it is quite impossible to avoid rubbing erogenous zones with at least six strangers while travelling just three stops. Whether you are rubbing EZs with people of your preferred sex, sexuality, age or physical attributes is very much a lottery - you can only hope to get lucky once in a while. Essentially, subway commuters are willingly engaging in the foreplay of a fully public orgy which they have not actually consented to.

The daily commute; agony and ecstasy - the public orgy you didn't consent to

Just this week one gentleman (I have to assume, since he seemed superficially polite) backed up so close to me that his ear brushed against my lips. Now, as a man of the world I am normally quite adept at stimulating an earlobe or two. A slow combination of warm breath, quiet murmurs, an inquiring tongue, together with some soft nibbles with moist lips and perhaps a gentle bite or two can be a very good starting point for a long and rewarding intimate evening. However it is sadly not the same when some unknown gent half a head shorter than me, drags his earlobe across my lips and tickles my nose with his dyed-black, gel-stiffened, toilet-brush haircut. He assumed this much foreplay from me without so much as a coffee and a little frisky small-talk. I was furious: how easy does he think I am ?

Pupae: unexpected fashion icons

The caterpillar coats and the overcrowded subway present serious social challenges when taken separately. When they combine, they make the morning commute the ultimate test of endurance. At rest, each person is said to emit about 100W of heat. However when wrapped in sufficient insulation to climb the peaks of Pluto, then ram-packed into subway carriages hot enough to grow tomatoes, the average commuter finds themselves cooking in their own juices and, ironically, in danger of passing out from heat stroke. Meanwhile shorter, vertically challenged commuters face the additional risk of being smothered by the taller crowd around them. So effective is the sensory deprivation provided by today's mobiles and noise-canceling headphones that there is no chance of noticing a fellow commuter turn from red via purple to blue and then expiring with a muffled whimper. Yet another dilemma for the cleaners !