No Sex Please I'm British

Puffer jackets - now a near fetish in Korea 

The silly season has definitely returned to Seoul this winter as December heralded a third consecutive year of obsession-near-fetish as students and adults alike competed to drop anything upwards of US$750 on identical, almost invariably black, ankle-length, duck down quilted 'caterpillar coats'. The knee length or waist length coats of previous years are strictly passé so it is best not to attempt a personal fashion revival by pulling either of these out of the wardrobe - even if you are still paying off the loan for them ! This will just get you de-listed from every event on your social calendar and will guarantee you your very own spotlight on social media. 

https://www.businessoffashion.com/articles/global-currents/why-puffer-jackets-are-so-popular-in-korea

Size does matter; the guy on the right is going home alone tonight 

If you cannot afford the Full Monty this year then just stay home in your PJs with Netflix. This confirms you are one of life's 'little people'. 

Life's 'Little People' in Seoul Station subway,
taking refuge from temperatures of -15°C in their own padded sleeping bags

Of course, if you can afford to wear what looks like the sleeping bag in which you slept in the subway with the hobos last night, then your style has triumphed over your common sense and you can proudly strut that shapeless, sexless but inexplicably coveted Michelin Man look all over town. 

High school competition is fierce; the longer the better

Aside from the astonishing price of the coats, the social pressure to have the 'reassuringly expensive' brand 'because you're worth it' (brainwashing legacies of Stella Artois and L'Oreal respectively) and the fact the coats will be re-styled next season and therefore obviously unwearable, is the sheer incredible bulk of the coats. They instantly endow a 60kg whispish rake of an office boy with the commanding profile of a Kiwi scrum half. These coats transform a person's stature just like Steve Rogers / Captain America before and after the treatment. All this comes to a head during rush hour on the subway where normal overcrowding is already a game of groans. 

Rush hour on the Seoul subway: busy 

Seoul commuters are quite accustomed to packing into carriages so tightly that anyone can happily fall asleep standing up without any risk of falling over, since there is quite literally no space to fall into. The tight crush of people exerts a supporting pressure on everyone like a jar full of toothpicks. Of course, a carriage is never full; if nobody exits at a particular stop, everyone has to bunch up to accommodate the new onboards. The danger point is recognised when commuters spontaneously begin 'synchronised breathing'. This is when one person inhales while the person next to them exhales; because if everybody inhaled at the same time then the person with the weakest ribs will simply implode into a soggy mess. This is not only traumatic for their travelling companions but also highly inconvenient for the cleaners. The health risks of overpacking become clear whenever the train brakes harshly or lurches on a sharp curve. This is followed by a wave of popping sounds as the shoulders and hips of the most fragile commuters gently dislocate and then re-engage as a surge of crowd-pressure ripples through the carriage.

At peak hours the crush is so acute that it is quite impossible to avoid rubbing erogenous zones with at least six strangers while travelling just three stops. Whether you are rubbing EZs with people of your preferred sex, sexuality, age or physical attributes is very much a lottery - you can only hope to get lucky once in a while. Essentially, subway commuters are willingly engaging in the foreplay of a fully public orgy which they have not actually consented to.

The daily commute; agony and ecstasy - the public orgy you didn't consent to

Just this week one gentleman (I have to assume, since he seemed superficially polite) backed up so close to me that his ear brushed against my lips. Now, as a man of the world I am normally quite adept at stimulating an earlobe or two. A slow combination of warm breath, quiet murmurs, an inquiring tongue, together with some soft nibbles with moist lips and perhaps a gentle bite or two can be a very good starting point for a long and rewarding intimate evening. However it is sadly not the same when some unknown gent half a head shorter than me, drags his earlobe across my lips and tickles my nose with his dyed-black, gel-stiffened, toilet-brush haircut. He assumed this much foreplay from me without so much as a coffee and a little frisky small-talk. I was furious: how easy does he think I am ?

Pupae: unexpected fashion icons

The caterpillar coats and the overcrowded subway present serious social challenges when taken separately. When they combine, they make the morning commute the ultimate test of endurance. At rest, each person is said to emit about 100W of heat. However when wrapped in sufficient insulation to climb the peaks of Pluto, then ram-packed into subway carriages hot enough to grow tomatoes, the average commuter finds themselves cooking in their own juices and, ironically, in danger of passing out from heat stroke. Meanwhile shorter, vertically challenged commuters face the additional risk of being smothered by the taller crowd around them. So effective is the sensory deprivation provided by today's mobiles and noise-canceling headphones that there is no chance of noticing a fellow commuter turn from red via purple to blue and then expiring with a muffled whimper. Yet another dilemma for the cleaners !

Style over Substance

Wall Street, 1987, Gordon Gekko: "Greed is good"

Back in the day our youth, energy and cynical irreverence powered us with the confidence, and sometimes the arrogance, of an immortal. The media encouraged us to shun convention, embrace hedonism, side-step fidelity. Gekko preached 'Greed is good', Frankie told us to Relax; sex and money are the new gods.  

Meanwhile two gorgeous pin-ups warned us of death by matrimony 3 decades before one of them checked out on a drugs binge, lost and alone in the world despite, ironically, winning the genuine love and respect of hundreds of millions of people worldwide.

Wham, Young Guns, 1983, Death by Matrimony

It may have taken centuries for the opium of the massess to shift from the bible to literature. However in just three generations it swiftly became radio then tv and now the internet. 

People were originally measured by what they gave back; the workhouses and hospitals they built for the poor or the missions they established in godless corners of the world. Now people are measured by the image they project with their wealth, beauty and audacity. How popular is the video of a has-been sitcom star fellating a rapper compared with the video of a never-was hotel heiress yawning while she's being ravished from behind ? 

In Korea more than ever, Image is King. 

It begins in school where pressure to conform to new trends is intense. This year's absolute must-have is the knee length 'caterpillar coat'; stuffed with pure duck-down starting at $800 for an unrecognised brand in Costco to $2,500 for a known label. Last year's waist length duck-down coats simply won't do. To try to wear one of these to school this year would be an invitation to ridicule. This year only knee length is in. 

http://m.koreaherald.com/view.php?ud=20171201000703

http://www.koreaherald.com/view.php?ud=20171201000635&ACE_SEARCH=1

Caterpillar jackets, the latest spine breaker

The parents who pick up the tab for kids who refuse to go to school without one refer to the coats as the latest  'spine breaker' reflecting the burden of earning the money to meet their kids demands. When special caterpillar coats were released to commemorate the forthcoming Pyeongchang winter olympics, the demand was predictably insatiable.

http://m.koreaherald.com/view.php?ud=20171201000744

Sadly, identical but unbranded coats made with synthetic fibres are simply not selling at all on account of their embarrassingly affordable price tag of only US$40

Projecting the right image in the job market is similarly crucial. Prevailing Confucian values still make it very awkward for an older person to work under a younger manager. So if a graduate takes a year or two after college to find a job, travel, learn a language or gain practical experience, it soon becomes impossible to place them as a new recruit in a team with a younger boss who graduated later and started employment directly after graduation. Therefore if a graduate cannot secure a job within 5 years of graduation, then there is a very real possibility they will be unemployable forever.



http://english.chosun.com/site/data/html_dir/2017/05/19/2017051901362.html


People go to superhuman efforts to compete for a job but analysis shows that candidates typically spend more on improving their image than improving their employee skills. 


http://english.chosun.com/site/data/html_dir/2016/07/02/2016070200438.html


For those who do get the job, projecting the right image remains essential. Watches must be Swiss, not Japanese, golf clubs must be American while cars must be German or at least Swedish. Of course handbags must be Burberry, Coach or similar, despite the US$1,500 plus required for the real thing or US$ 500 for an indistinguishable copy. 

Meanwhile if the employer deigns to issue corporate phones, laptops or monitors which are not made by Apple, then these will be 'spontaneously re-branded' by the embarrassed employee who will immediately fix Apple stickers over all the offending equipment.

Which brand of IT equipment was this before it was re-branded 'Apple' ?

Koreans are beautiful people. Due to a very healthy diet recent generations  are strikingly tall and appealingly svelte. However this is apparently not enough based on the pre-occupation with eyelid surgery, dental re-alignment, nose enlargement, breast augmentation, etc, etc. 

The prevailing belief that an ideal face has the ovoid shape of an upturned egg spurs some to part with upwards of US$ 3,500 to have their lower jaw shaved to achieve the right curves. In 2014 one doctor in Gangnam became infamous for erecting a towering display of the jawbone shavings.

http://english.chosun.com/site/data/html_dir/2014/01/23/2014012301819.html

Jaws: towers of bone shaved from patients wanting more ovoid faces

In the fuss which ensued the display was quickly removed with the explanation that the patient's names remained visible on the bones, which breached confidentiality agreements.

Advertising authorities have at last started to question the fixation with cosmetic surgery and the ethics of promoting it avidly to largely impressionable, increasingly younger and much less affluent audiences.  

Plastic surgery ads - to be banned on the subway from 2022

Recently the subway authority decided to ban the advertising of cosmetic surgery  stations on all the major commuting lines - but only from 2022. This is a classic Korean solution, paying lip service to the advertising authority while appeasing what is clearly a very profitable client base.

http://www.koreatimes.co.kr/www/nation/2017/11/281_240074.html



As Frankie said, we may have made a world where sex and money are the new gods. Movie stars with divine countenances can instantly have the life we would all choose, often despite drug addiction, alcoholism or sexual excesses which would disqualify them from the jobs of mere mortals. It is arguable that fake dimples, a cleft chin, a Breitling can help us to catch the job, promotion, club membership, partner, friends we feel are beyond us.  But while the perception remains, we will undoubtedly strive less to develop the wit, charm, intellect, tolerance, compassion and understanding which are more important for the longevity of our relationships.  At the same time, being measured by the image we project makes it increasingly unlikely that anyone will ever know us or appreciate us for who we really are.

Oscar Wilde:
"He has nothing, but he looks everything.
What more can one desire ?"