Newsflash #1: Seoul slams North Korean missile test reports

Life on the Korean peninsular entered a new era of wailing and gnashing of teeth this week as millions of South Koreans collectively deplored reports that North Korea has test-fired ballistic missiles into the sea. Howls of protest and outrage could be heard all the way from Seoul to Beijing as an alarmed South Korean public demanded to know why these missile tests had been so inaccurately reported and most importantly; who could be blamed for this diabolical conspiracy to undermine South Korea's global standing ?

North Korea test-fires ballistic missiles 500km into open sea - but which sea ?

United Nations Secretary General Mr Han So-Lo confirmed that on Tuesday July 19th, North Korea launched 3 ballistic missiles into a clear area of open water approximately 500km off the east coast of North Korea. Mr Han complained; “These missile launches were followed by frenzied, inaccurate and totally irresponsible reports by the international media that North Korea had fired ballistic missiles into the “Sea of Japan”. This is unacceptable, do you hear, me ? Totally unacceptable !”. 

Mr Han was clearly very tired and emotional, as evidenced by his occasional lifting of one eye-brow higher than the other, a perceptible half octave elevation in the pronunciation of his adjectives and twelve small green bottles sitting empty on the wall behind him. He continued by imploring the international community for more responsibility and restraint in its reporting of these events.


Correct reporting: missiles fired into "The East Sea";

http://english.chosun.com/site/data/html_dir/2016/07/20/2016072000730.html

Incorrect reporting: missiles fired into the "Sea of Japan";

http://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/asia/north-korea-ballistic-missiles-launched-sea-of-japan-south-korea-a7143816.html

http://www.bloomberg.com/news/articles/2016-07-19/north-korea-launches-ballistic-missiles-into-sea-of-japan

http://www.abc.net.au/news/2016-07-19/north-korea-fires-series-of-missiles-towards-sea-of-japan/7640358



Mr Han opined; 

“For the last 2 decades, South Korea has worked tirelessly and lobbied relentlessly on every continent and through literally scores of national and international pressure groups for the sea east of Korea to be re-named “The East Sea” . This is a key demonstration of our global resolve to bury all references to Japanese Imperialism and it has absolutely nothing to do with trying to belittle Japan on the international stage (honestly). 

"Admittedly we were initially discouraged when most organisations simply dismissed our campaign out of hand. They conveniently claimed that they had no jurisdiction to change a name which has been established multilaterally on charts, maps and navigation almanacs for centuries already. But as recently as 2014 we finally had our first breakthrough ! After also rejecting the idea at first, Virginia’s House of Delegates finally agreed to make it legally binding to show “The East Sea” as an alternative name to the “Sea of Japan” in all their approved state schoolbooks. 

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sea_of_Japan_naming_dispute

http://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/pandering-to-northern-vas-koreans-is-going-to-extremes/2014/08/19/f9032eea-271e-11e4-8593-da634b334390_story.html

"How reckless therefore, that these first small shoots of progress on this issue should be effectively obliterated by this week's totally inconsiderate global media reports. This has cruelly trampled all over South Korea’s hard-fought, hard-won hard work by thoughtlessly perpetuating the use of this imperious reference - and for what ?  Just to highlight some extravagant new fishing techniques being tested by Kim Jong-Un and his Pyongyang cronies in North Korea. 

"This callous reporting has set back our "East Sea" campaign years, decades even. It is shocking and outrageous and as such, totally unacceptable.” repeated Mr Han. 

At the end of a clearly impassioned speech Mr Han finally invited reporters to ask questions.  A representative of The Tokyo Times asked humbly if, given the outstanding success in Virginia, South Korea would now begin campaigning to change the "East China Sea" into "The South Sea". At this point Mr Han sat down sharply (on his assistant) and refused any more questions.

Mr Han warned that from this day onwards, South Korea demands sincere apologies from everyone, everywhere.  Also he demanded immediate assurances that all references to “The Sea of Japan” shall be deleted and that this mis-nomer shall never be used by anyone, ever again. Ever.

Ever wonder why you're alone in the world ?
The one common factor in all of your failed relationships is you ;)

Seoul Survival Skills: #1 The Poker Face

Anyone who enjoys their stand up comedy delivered dry like a vodka martini can appreciate the rare pleasure of an hour or so in the audience listening to Mr Jack Dee. His humour is as biting as his delivery appears effortless as he offers new perspectives on everyday events which you normally barely notice.

One evening at the Corn Exchange in Cambridge Mr Dee announced his great fortune at having taken delivery of his first baby some months earlier.  Said baby was incredibly strong, amazingly agile, inquisitive about everything within arm's reach, highly observant and a well-practiced mimic.  Mr Dee confided that in fact the whole parenting experience exposed him to an entirely new range of emotions which he had never believed possible; thoughts which he had never had before, and all so powerful that they defied his ability to put them into words. Dee reassured the audience with his trademark, dead-pan, poker face, that in all seriousness, there is no dictionary in any language anywhere which contains the vocabulary required to describe the thoughts, emotions and sheer disbelief which wracked every fibre of his being when he bent down to press the eject button on his VCR and out popped ..... a piece of cake !

There can be few places where poker face skills are more important to survival than Korea. Meals are just one of the many social arenas where one needs to be ready for just about anything which tests one's fight or flight reflex. Just for starters, take the everyday example of the innocuous oxtail soup.

Oxtail soup: this is what you thought you ordered.
You've had it at home every week since you were in diapers.

Oxtail soup: this is what they prepared in the kitchen.
The tail of the wretched animal flayed of its hide and sliced into its individual vertebrae.

Oxtail soup: this is what arrives at the table.
Each vertebra to be picked up with chopsticks and the meat to be sucked off with the lips.

Under these testing conditions, one must remember the basics;

• image is everything; in this case, maintain the illusion of mild-mannered, unflappable cool at all costs. Pretend not to have noticed that the soup was even served 
• cause no offence;
  remember that to be offended by the food is to offend the host and their choice
• express wonder, excitement and gratitude at the sheer novelty of the experience;
  Jean Giraudoux, George Burns and Alan Shore each agree that once we learn to fake sincerity then there is no end to what we can achieve.  Although such skill may admittedly be wasted on a mere lunch, consider it practice for the next inevitable emergency.

The next emergency may well occur at dinner with the time-honoured favourite Knee Bone Soup (Seolleongtang), containing the complete knee parts of the unfortunate animal whose tail provided such a challenging lunch.

Knee Bone soup: comes complete with bone, cartilage, gristle and all those other things that you relish for dinner 

http://english.visitkorea.or.kr/enu/FO/FO_EN_Recipes.jsp?cat1=21709&cat2=21715&cid=1035077

Although such traditional recipes are still very much a firm favourite with the older generation, these days some younger Koreans are starting to politely decline them in preference for something more appetising.

It is worth highlighting that the modern Korean diet is in fact a very healthy one; being focused on fresh meat and vegetables rather than lots of processed food and carbohydrates.  In common with much of Asia, seafood and seaweeds still form a larger proportion of the regular diet than in most western countries.  Live seafood restaurants are found everywhere, proudly displaying their fare in rows of large tanks in the front window to tempt hungry pedestrians.

Seafood and eat it, don't walk on by

However, even here one still needs to be prepared to maintain the well-practiced poker face if the food delivered to the table doesn't quite match expectations.

"Waiter, waiter, there's an octopus in my soup !"
Health warning: unverified anecdotes claim that the suckers often remain functional after cooking and can attach themselves to the inside of the esophagus if not chewed completely before swallowing.

  

Of course cooked octopus will immediately disappoint any Klingons who happen to be passing through this star sector. Therefore for those who prefer their food not only fresh and raw but actually wriggling, live octopus is just one service on offer.
(warning: not for the faint-hearted or for octophiles)

You flinched !  I saw you !