Elevator Protocol

It goes without saying that any unfamiliar country has countless protocols which seem odd at First Contact. For Korea, the internet and The Lonely Planet give fair warning about the importance of bowing (or scraping— if you’re a real brown-noser) and unswerving deference to elders. However precious little can be found anywhere about Elevator Protocol.

Jake and Elwwood on a Mission From God

One person alone in an elevator can pretty much do what he likes. He’s a little like Schrödinger's Cat; he may be in there, he maybe not, he may be both; who knows ?  But as soon as people share an elevator, strict protocols apply. 

Occupants immediately adopt a grid formation, 1x2, 2x2, 2x3 and so on. Everyone stands straight, shoulders back, hands to the side, head level. Under no circumstances, intentionally or otherwise, speak, mutter, hum, whistle, sneeze, glimpse cleavage, admire a sensual instep, reach for anything in your pocket, or inadvertently, in anyone else’s pocket. And never, ever, ever make eye contact. This protocol applies even if there are only two of you in the elevator, even if you have been married for 60 years and spawned 3 generations from your loins.

Last but not least, an elevator is NEVER full. The words “Don’t worry, I’ll get the next one” have never been used here in one sentence. Politeness obliges the people in the elevator to accommodate newcomers from each floor. The grid simply reforms to 5x5, 6x6, etc despite people turning blue from asphyxiation or turning red from involuntary sexual intimacy.